I Never Learn

Whenever I am around a buffet, I usually have the sense to stay away from it. Food made in mass quantities just cannot be prepared properly. And despite my expansive waistline, I'm quite sensitive in the stomach region. Another reason to leave that shit alone. Well, tonight I was feeling a little light headed at a graduation party and decided that perhaps some bread, a salad and some potato salad might do the trick and not cause me any pain. Wrong. Within 10 minutes I could feel the churning and burning in my abdomen. To add to this misery I have my baby brother shunning me because I'm in pain and therefore not much fun to be around. It's tough to socialize and ogle women when you are about to shart yourself at any moment. I finally had my fill of Electric Slide and decided to head home early...spending another in a long line of lonely nights home alone instead of shaking my groove thing with recent college grads at Whiskey Tango, the local White Trash bar of choice on this fine spring evening. As I pulled off onto the street in route to beautiful Roxborough, I felt the aching that has become all to common place in my life. I had no choice by to drive unusually fast through residential neighborhoods on my way towards the home of my childhood. The quaking in my bowels was too much for my belt, so I was forced to loosen it and undo my jeans button. I made the 15 minute drive in under 6 and quickly raced up the front steps, unlocked the door (thank God my key still works) and nestled my large frame on that tiny bowl and let loose. Another one of those moments in life when you think to yourself, "why me?"