Grey Day

It's Mother's Day. Great. Since I don't have a Mom anymore, this is one of those days that you just naturally block out. Just like her Birthday or the anniversary of her death. I try not to think about them as they approach on the calendar, but once the day hits you pretty much have no choice but to reflect a little. And with Mother's Day, well how do you escape the commercialism of a day like today?

Making matters worse is that it's supposed to thunder storm and rain all afternoon putting a squash on the idea of sitting poolside and drinking the day away. Although, I can't say I really have the desire to drink anyway. This past week I've been an emotional wreck at times and last night I walked into a scene out of Spun or Trainspotting where everyone at the bar was fourteen levels ahead of me on the drunk scale. This meant that no one could carry on a conversation, not that I like conversing with wasted folks anyway, but it was especially surreal since 3 of the participants intoxicated were people who have gone on record that they were sobering up and kicking the booze. Two of those folks are doing it for health reasons as well, so it's really sad to see people make decisions that are self destructive, and clearly more so when you are completely sober and in sound mind.

Watching people continually just drink away all their problems is something that I'm not comfortable with. I'm just not. And as a result, I decided my best move was to peace out after a quick hello to folks. Ten minutes is all I lasted. I guess my tolerance for this type of behavior is a bit of a reflection of my own actions this last week as well. Two drunk episodes where my mood changed on a dime and I became angry or sad. I could make an excuse that I'm just out of it since Mother's Day was on it's way, but that would be a lie. Like I said, we kids of the deceased are masters of blocking that kind of shit out until the day of. Nah, I'm more or less just slightly down about my lack of intimacy here in Georgia. These people don't know me, and when people don't know you, they don't really care about you. And when you have an epiphany that the people you are surrounded by in a bar don't really know you or care about you, well if you are me, you just kind of snap a touch.

My cheery disposition on life sometimes wanes into this gloomy area from time to time. Usually I'm able to dust myself off and trudge on. Maybe I can do it again this time? But right now I just want to think about my Mom. And not think about my distance from family and my anger towards everyone else. And maybe I will drink a couple...

Perhaps I'm a hypocrite? Or just ill equipped to deal with shit?