Female Trouble

John Walters is fucking nuts. I have seen some of his work over the years, Pink Flamingos, Hairspray, Pecker....but I never saw Female Trouble. That is until now. Tonight on IFC. Oh my God. What a nutty fucking movie.

Sideways

It's funny how I recently commented on this very blog about my love for talky movies when they speak to me in some capacity. Sideways was without a doubt a fine film, but the essence of the lead character Miles played by the phenominal Paul Giamatti struck a nerve with me. It was almost surreal to me to be watching a character to whom I relate entirely to. It's truly a borderline frightening experience. A man who is snobbish about wine (insert film or music), depressed, unlucky in love, surrounded by friends who make the things that are hardest seem easiest. I was awe struck by how incredibily real the characters were in this film. You will hear a ton about how great the performances are and how strong the movie is, but I can honestly say that for me it was a movie that will forever encapsulate my mood at this point in my life. It's defining for me. And I should also mention that there are at least 2 scenes that almost brought me to tears they were just that funny. Well worth the price of admission. Indeed.

Holiday Shopping Bonanza

Last night was single handedly the worst night in my career at UO. At one point we had 30 people waiting on hold to place orders with 1 of the 7 people I had working. Of these 30 folks, some were actually holding for up to 20 minutes. It was relentless. I have a feeling something big is happening under foot and it's making me edgy. Did we not plan correctly for the onslaught that is headed our way in December? Are we not managing the situation adequately as a group? I wound up having to call the director at home and he was livid about the situation. And I was the trigger man. Yuck. I'm glad I'm off today, that's all I can say.

What did you do tonight that was so much better?

Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. I watched this tonight on Cinemax. The whole thing. I came to the following conclusions:

1. Topher Grace is very much the Anthony Michael Hall of this generation.
2. Topher Grace might actually pull off a transition to becoming a real actor (unlike AMH who need about 15 years of downtime before he was able to reinvent himself.)
3. Kate Bosworth is really pretty.
4. Any idiot can write a movie script.
5. I'm a total loser.

So I'm now fascinated with Torrents. My friend Filipino Freddie P aka Poptart showed me the magic of Azureus and the power of torrents. I'm not sure what the hell it is, or exactly how it works, but I am downloading music like a mother fucker as a result of it. In the past day and a half I have download the entire catalogues of Death Cab for Cutie and Rilo Kiley, Velvet Revolver, Neutral Milk Hotel, David Cross, Chevelle's new jawn, absolutely tons of shit. I'm listening to the new Eliot Smith CD now that I downloaded while Tad Hamilton was on.

It's a shame about Mr. Smith. I really liked him. It's weird when someone you admire and revere dies and then you hear them sing. I remember when I first learned Jeff Buckley died and I listened to Grace in bed in the dark. I was hard not to think of him drowning and get sad. I think I might be having a moment like that now with this Eliot CD. Talented artist are few and far between and they always seem destined for the grave. It's like their talent weighs them down until they can't go on anymore.

Onto brighter topics, I think I may have discovered that I am lactose intolerant! I know that doesn't sound like good news, but at least I can treat it. I bought some over the counter dairy aid shit and so far it appears to work. I'm going to continue to monitor what my body does with/without the aid to see if I'm correct. This could be the answer to my prayers. (Fingers crossed.)

Ice Cube

Where is the fucking snow? Is it just me or did the temperature drop like 40 degrees in the past 12 hours? I'm literally frozen solid. My hands are frostbite as I try to type this post. Perhaps I should turn the heat on? Then again, I have work @ 3 PM so why bother.

Turkey

Thanksgiving is today. Yippie! I really don't think Thanksgiving is that good of a holiday. I do like eating, but otherwise it's quite lame. Terrible football games are always on because somehow the NFL thinks that Dallas and Detroit are one day going to be competetive. My Grandmother's house is a 3 bedroom row home and we try to squeeze in over 40 people at this point which is just ridiculous....basically the living room is taken over by the males and the kitchen/dining room is full of the women and the basement is all kids, up to and including my generation. Usually I come late, leave early and head to the cinema with my siblings which is our tradition on Turkey Day. And did I mention it's raining? My hope for next year is that I find me a nice girl that has a very close knit family about 4 hours from Philly and we have to go there for Thanksgiving. (I need a change of scenary....for fuck's sake.)

Gobble, Gobble

Before Sunset

I love movies that are talky as long as the talk is interesting or speaks to me in some sense. I just finished watching Before Sunset, the sequel to Before Sunrise starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy and it's definitely talky...but I loved it. Rick Linklater is a big fan of making films that are heavy on the dialogue, like Slacker and Waking Life, and Ethan has dabbled in making films like Tape and Chealsea Walls, so these guys know what they are doing. They understand the importance of the dialogue and the flawlessness of the acting. You don't have much else, so you better make what is said as strong as possible. Some of the sentitments in Before Sunset hit some incredibly close to home, it's kind of intense. I remember when I was getting out of college, I felt the movie Kicking and Screaming had the same kind of effect on me. I felt like the movie was meant just for me. Anyway, I guess the point of this late night entry is to say....rent this shit!

Sidenote: I think Ethan Hawke is probably the best actor to come out of my generation. (River Phoenix would have been a shoe in had he made it.) I'm putting Johnny Depp a little ahead of my generation just to clarify. But look at Ethan's resume, it's really strong.

Dead Poet's Society, A Midnight Clear, Waterland, Alive, Floundering, Before Sunrise, Reality Bites, Gattaca, Great Expectations, Hamlet, Tape, Training Day and Before Sunset.

Depsite the fact that he is beginning to look more and more like shit (heroin?), he has an intensity and naturalistic approach to his acting that mesmerizes me. Call it a man-crush or something. I've just always liked him.

Airbag Blues

Car crashes suck. Aside from the damage to the car and the nonsense you have to deal with insurance wise, there is an actual chance of injury or death.

A couple weeks ago my sister Kiki was hit by some dude and totally fucked up her ride. On Friday night, another sister of mine (TJ) was in an accident where the ex love of my life was behind the wheel. This one was a shit storm as the car is totaled and everyone was kind of beat up physically.

Everyone is fine, but I'm skittish with my sisters behind the wheel these days. I'm not sure with cell phones, hormones and music blasting that they are actually paying attention to what they are doing. I'm not suggesting that either of these accidents were the fault of anyone, I'm just saying is all.

Since I waited until I was 25 to learn how to drive, obviously I think that you have to develop a sense of maturity to understand that you are in control of an automobile that can easily become a killing machine before you should be afforded a license to drive. I guess since I can't force my sisters to take the bus like I did, I'll just have to hold out hope that these minor scrapes have at least taught them a lesson and that they will act more responsible behind the wheel.

Music Makes the World Move

I played my stereo today for the first time in weeks. That shit cranks. Being part of the IPOD nation, I rarely find use for the goddamn component system that has probably cost me a $1,000 over the years with add on, speakers and what not. And now that I finally own a car with a built in dash CD player, I usually reserve my CD listening for the drive time. Anyway, Jimmy Eats World sounds good blarring....

What I really wanted to discuss is the newest U2 album that "drops" today in a Best Buy near you. I'm that guy. The one who laughs at idiot who still shell out mucho dinero to go see the Rolling Stones play the VET or Robert Plant sans Jimmy Paige just cos he was in Led Zepplin 400 years ago. I grew up with these artists being "classic rock" bands, so I don't have the connection to them that some fans have. But with U2 continuing to put out records, I wonder if one day I will be the guy who pays $300 to see U2 play Lincoln Financial Field? I'm genuinely excited about the new U2 record, Uno, Dos, Tres, Catorce! I recall reading that they were going to do a whirl wind US tour in the Spring and my first thought was "I must go and support U2!" Scary. But I have very fond memories of U2, old and relatively new ones.

1989: Senior year of high school, fully immersed in spending every waking hour watching MTV, I came across a video for With or Without You. I thought it was the greatest song I had ever heard. I spent many nights going to sleep in my parent's basement drifting off to sleep singing along to every track on Joshua Tree dreaming of what college would be like.

My Birthday, 1991: I'm in my second year of college and Achtung Baby is released. I'm caught up in the U2 explosion for the next six months. The one and only time I sleep out to buy concert tickets is to see this tour come to the Spectrum, a show that I almost blow off completely when the girl I was in love with at the time lost 2 of our foursomes tickets in a drain on Packer Avenue. I spent the show being marveled by just how amazing U2 are as live performers and consoling a crying girl who had to tell 2 of her friends that she lost their tickets moments before the show.

Spring 2001: I'm in Amsterdam with friends, high on hash and watching Dutch Music Television in my room at the Bicycle Hotel, a dive hostel kind of place and on comes the video for Stuck In A Moment and You Can't Get Out of it. Maybe it was the hash, but man I cried like a baby for no reason.

I can listen to U2 anytime, anywhere and be happy. They continue to put out quality music and if I do become that 50 year old guy lining up to see them in Vegas, so be it. I'm a fucking hypocrite. Sue me.

P.S. I used my Tower Records giftcard from my work peeps to buy the new jawn today and so far, so good.

My New Mantra

Check out the Skip reference in this cartoon.

Thanks to Goonland.com

False Start

Okay, so admittedly I know nothing about buying a home. I perhaps jumped the gun by saying that Brother Mike had gone ahead and sucessfully procured some real estate in this fair city of ours. There is a technicality referred to as a "home inspection" that took place on Friday and revealed that this place isn't all that it was cracked up to be. Structural damage doesn't sound promising.

So we begin again. The search presses on. Atlantis where are you?

Worst Musical Purchase Ever.

dragnet
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Battle For PA?

Eagles ran over the Deadskins today, but the Steelers also won again. Could this year be the year where it's all Pennsylvania in the Superbowl?

The Day After

So I'm officially 33 now and it's remarkable to me how I don't feel any different than I did the day before I turned 33. Of course what I mean by that is that I felt like shit before and after this historic event. My peeps at work really came through yesterday and gave me presents, cards, desk decorations...it was all so festive and it took my mind off the fact that I was at work on my birthday. I got off at Midnight and plowed through the family calls with their salutations and best wishes, came home and did what I normally do after work. Eat some dinner at 1 AM and watch television until 4 in the morning. Today I took an extra long while to get a move on, not because I'm old, just because I was robbed of sleep the night before by some loud mouth whores who were in my house for some unknown reason and because it's shitty out. What's the rush? I'm not going to do anything, so why get out of bed at all. I'm so sick of the same old shit. I'm not even interested in going to see a movie and I love going to the movies.

My live in brother thinks I'm depressed, but in reality I'm just bored with my life, my friends, my alternatives. I don't see the value in "celebrating" another year on the calendar by getting drunk. People are astounded by this kind of behavior, as if that is what you MUST do to prove to the world you have survived another year. "Slug down 33 shots and you'll feel better about getting old, old man!" Not for me. I'm sick of bars, hangovers, drunk fights with people. It's as if people are incapable of doing anything of merit without it involving alcohol anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-booze or straightedge or anything, I'm just trying to remember the last time anyone in my life suggested doing anything that didn't involve drinking.

I'm content not doing anything for my birthday this year. I even sucessfully called off the parental dogs with their usual birthday dinner and cake extravaganza this year. The turnout to family birthday parties of those over 31 are pathetic anyway. Last year I think 4 people showed up, why beat a dead horse? My 30th was off the chains, but since then, it's really just been a going through the motions sort of event. All my sisters are at the age where they tell you they want to spend time with you, but they really don't. They are teenagers. It makes them feel good to extend the courtesy of "next week we should hang out" knowing that they would rather be in church than spend time with their 33 year old brother. It's a dance of sorts. I don't blame them for this type of behavior, I know it's because they are young and that they no longer need me to procure alcohol for them. I still love them.

I'm a little old for birthday parties, I guess that's the bottom line. But by not having a party, people think you must be trying to avoid the inevitable, that you are getting old. I'm okay with getting old. I made it a good long time before I ever "grew up." Some would say that I'm still not fully grown.

Day of Birth

When I look in the mirror I don't see 33. I guess that's a good thing?

XMAS is Coming...

The new 20th anniversary version of Do They Know It's Christmas Time is yummy. Look who's on this track!

Chris Martin, Sir Paul McCartney (bass guitar), Bob Geldof. Midge Ure, Radiohead, Robbie Williams. Dido, Bono, The Thrills, Joss Stone, Keane, The Darkness. Dizzee Rascal, Ms Dynamite, Snow Patrol, Sugababes, Travis, Danny Goffey (Supergrass, drums), Morcheeba, Ash, Damon Albarn (serving tea)

Thanks for the link Stereogum!

A House, A Home

Brother Mike has done it! A house was bid upon and procured in a matter of minutes. I haven't seen it, but it sounds enticing...minus the paneling. 6 Bedrooms of varying sizes, 2 full baths, ample parking, a pool and it's apparently not the sketchiest neighborhood in all of Phily. Barring any complications, I will be taking up residence with him in January of 2005. And thus begin another chapter in my life...

Beautiful Girl

There's a gal in my life that I'm so fucking attracted to it hurts. I don't see her as often as I would like, but when I do....man...I just want to walk up to her and kiss her. I can honestly say that I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time...and part of me wants to supress all desire because lurking around the corner is our old friend REJECTION. I'm not afraid of rejection, just tired of it. When you have been rejected as much as I have, you manage to grow accustomed to it. It still stings, but you survive. Maybe I just create reasons to NOT do anything about my lust. I'm a complicated person, a contradiction of sorts. I'm a leader and very outgoing, but also horribly shy and lonely sometimes. I don't think being with someone will make me happy, but at the same time I wonder if it will?

Sofitel

If you are ever in the city and need to find a quality place to drop a deuce, let me recommend the Sofitel on the corner of 17th and Sansom. Now I know what you are thinking, "Isn't that near where you work Skip?" Yes it is. And that's why I can safely say it's the cat's meow of facilities.

My workplace bathroom is sorry. It's basically a small closet oddly situated in the middle of a hallway that connects the elevators to the main section of the floor. You got a toilet, a small baby sized sink and that's it. Considering that I am on the bigger side (more to love ladies) and quite a dumper, I have taken up using the bathroom across the street at Sofitel. Pathetic, perhaps. However, don't judge until you see what Sofitel has to offer for yourself. The towels that you use to dry your hands are like fine linen, better than my fucking bath towel at home. And the shitters have doors on them. I mean actual doors. Floor to ceiling doors. With locks. It's like a little office or something. Amazing.

You have to be a little James Bond to get in the hotel and to the 2nd floor without drawing much attention to yourself, but it can be done. I stick out like a sore thumb with my horrible dress and incredible girth, yet no one has said a word to me about wandering the halls over there.

Until I'm told otherwise, I know where I'll be sitting pretty.

Bunch of Movie Reviews

The Clearing - 3 out of 5 stars

Robert Redford, Helen Mirren and Willem Dafoe are all very strong actors, too bad this story line had nowhere to go. It's essentially a hostage thriller, but it plays longer than it is. The time line keeps moving back and forth confusing the viewer and the ending is just anti-climatic. Watch it for the acting, that's about it.

Intermission - 4 out of 5 stars

Irish black comedy featuring a ton of Irish talent. Colm Meany (the dad in the Commitments), Colin Farrell and Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later lead) are the main three men in this interwoven story about love, money and fame. The story lines about a girl with a mustache and a little kid who throws rocks at moving cars are so wrong that they are so right. There's jerking off, rough sex, kidnapping, bank robbery, drinking and brown sauce sandwiches everywhere in this little Irish community. I didn't laugh out loud, but I was interested all the way through this one.

Naughty Little Nymphos 7 - Got the job done.

Wasted and Ready

Irony. I am addicted to Propel by Gatorade. What's ironic about it is that it's marketed as "fitness water" and I clearly am not their target audience. But damn that shit is tasty.

My weekend off is coming to a close and it wasn't the usual lame affair, although it wasn't exactly a rollercoaster of fun. I think working until Midnight on Fridays messes up my whole vibe. I spent the better part of Saturday dealing with housing issues with brother Mike. We found a house that we liked, put the ball in motion, filled out paperwork and pulled out again before the ink was dry. This time it wasn't crack house related, more economical. In any case, I don't want to watch my brother sign away his life on a house that just isn't right for him. But the dude is under mad pressure, some of it placed on himself by himself. More to the point, I got tied up in this nonsense instead of doing anything of "value" such as seeing Sideways or buying some new slacks. I guess I could have gone and done that today, but instead I just wasted another day off away...

After Rock and Bowl I got back home @ 1:30 AM and finished Beautiful Girls with a couple roommates who were finishing up a bottle of the Goose. Didn't exactly crash right away and as a result didn't really get a move on today until well after 1 PM. Today was perfect for getting things done as the Eagles weren't on to distract me....

So then what's my excuse for doing ZILCH today? Don't know. I am doing wash now. That's progress right? I finished my column on Movie Soundtracks although I'm not entirely happy with it. I drank Propel. Alright...I'm reaching. In any case, it was nice to be off two days in a row.

Rock and Bowl

Considering the music playing at the bowling alley, it was more like Pop and Bowl, but it was a good ole time nonetheless. Tonight I braved Jersey and headed to a work related birthday party that took place at a bowling alley. And not just any bowling alley, the fucking largest bowling alley I have ever seen. This thing had like 100 lanes of action, and it was all dark and there were disco lights. Totally rad.

In my foursome, I came in 2nd in the first match and was leading in round 2 when our hour of fun was up. (Shame.) I was thankful that my bowels complied (with some medicinal coaxing) to allow me to have a little fun in life. It was cool hanging with people that I usually only see in the office. Practically half my team showed up to this event...

I will say that bowling to O-Town or Luther Vandross can be demanding. But Dancing Queen is the perfect bowling song. You just want to strap on roller skates and boogie when that shit cranks up.

All in all. Crunk time. Tena the birthday girl is like the coolest chick in the world, so I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Feeling Funky

I spent much of today in a bit of a funk. Might have been the 8 AM wake up call from my brother calling off the dogs on househunting today or it might have been the drive to Temple when I woke up finally at 11:30 AM to hand over my parking ticket to one of my sisters to take home? (I'm trying to get that fucker fixed...I ain't got no $300 for a parking ticket.) Maybe it's not shaving in over a week? I guess I'm growing a beard? More likely, I'm just not shaving and eventually an odd looking beard will appear. I have no idea why other than sheer laziness. I haven't been keeping up no my show watching on tv, I'm not finishing this column I am writing, I'm just lagging on all kinds of shit. What's going on? I need to have fun this weekend and shake off whatever this funk is that I am balls deep in.

Got a party to attend on Saturday night that I'm stoked about. Hopefully my spastic colon will allow me to enjoy the evening. I can't recall the last time I had an alcoholic beverage. Anyway, I should really get shit wrapped up here at work and head home....

Egg-citing!

I'm all for new experiences, but getting my house egged at 3:00 AM by some losers wasn't exactly what I would consider fun. I was laying in bed, still awake mind you, watching Real Time on demand and all of a sudden my windows are getting pelted with oranges. I get up, look out the window and see nothing. But right away I have a suspicion that it's this guy who my brother had it out with a few months back. Did you ever have a friend in high school who never really graduated? You know, you go to college and this guy stays in his parent's house and lays bricks for a living. Well my brother has one of those and this dude is obnoxious. The last couple times he came around our house he stole shit and broke in our back window, just total scumbag shit. So anyway, my brother laid it out on the line and told him to never come around here again about 5 months ago.

Then last week my brother runs into him at a bar where this asshole starts to hit on my sister. I guess seeing my brother made this guy remember how he is "banned" from our house which sucks since he lives in the NE and loves to get drunk in Manayunk.

Anyway, having a sense that it might be this guy throwing oranges at my window, I stayed on my feet and waited for the next cycle of destruction to hit. This guy isn't the type to just do one thing and roll on....he's got ADD or something, so I knew he would be back. And true to form about 10 minutes later there are 3 guys on the street bombarding my house with a dozen eggs that they most likely purchased at the 7-11 up the street. Ridiculous.

I woke up my brother and he confirmed for me what I already knew. It was the guy. I saw him the second time round waddling back to his car parked in the gas station parking lot and my brother confirmed that it looked like this guy's car pulling off into the street and taking off towards 76.

Another day in the life. I'm too old for this shit. I swear.

Mikey...

Mikey
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

People keep asking me why on earth I would want to live with my brother Mike and his family. They say that living with a 2 year old will be a nightmare. Well, I say look at this picture.

This kid is my ticket to getting ass. He's hot. As far as kids go. And I don't mean that in a creepy uncle way. If I take him out to the park or the movies by myself....oh my....can you imagine?

A dreamboat in diapers.

Ironic How This Dude is From Ohio.

This Just In....Jury Duty Blows

As I drifted away to sleep at roughly 2:30 AM, I thought to myself..."how bad could jury duty be?"

Well, let me tell you.

The alarm went off at 7 AM and as soon as I opened my eyes, I knew that today was gonna suck. I got a shower, grabbed my summons and hit the road. Naturally it has been quite some time since I needed to drive into the city on a work day, so needless to say traffic was a peach. After I parked at 13th and Filbert, I rolled over to the municipal court building and couldn't make heads or tails of the lines they have going. It's like the fucking airport. You got metal detectors, conveyor belts, uneducated security staff. Anyway, after getting in the wrong line, I was shown to the line that you have to wait in to "check" your cell phone. Huh? It's barely 8:15 AM and I am now seriously doubting why I even decided to attend this jury duty thing. What can they do if you fail to show? Arrest you? Fine you?

Once you check your cell, then it's off to another line which is wrapping down the hall of the building. At the end of this line you get your parking validated, you turn in your summons and you grab some papers to fill out. Then it's off to the waiting room. A gigantic waiting room filled with the ugliest people on earth. This is where I would spend the next 3 and 1/2 hours trying to keep myself awake. I read the Inquirer, USA Today, an issue of Golf Magazine from 3 years ago. Dreadful.

We are told early on that lunch is at Noon, so as I see the clock coming up on the lunch time hour I am concerned that I am going to be here all day long. Just waiting. As luck would have it, I am selected as a pool of 20 potential jurors for a civil case over in City Hall. (Or should I say Shitty Hall? That place could use a "While You Were Out" makeover.) I march over there with my other possible jurors in utter silence. It's like a funeral, everyone is afraid to speak to anyone else. The only upside I am seeing is that the one hot female in the giant waiting room is in my group, the very lovely Megan aka Juror #9. Since I'm #18 and that is double 9, I immediately think the gods are at work and this is no mere coincedence. Once we are seated in our court room, we are told that we will break for an hour lunch until 1:15 PM. Ugh. This blows....

My sensitive stomach is aching for food, but we all know that if I eat I am most likely going to be labeled "the juror with a load in his pants" in the afternoon session of this experience. I break down and grab a bagel from a cart and fall asleep on the sidewalk outside the Hall of Shame. It was cold, but my 4 and 1/2 hours of sleep weren't cutting it. I was sure to get back to the courtroom a touch early to catch a glimpse of Juror #9. We sat in the hall across from each other and listened to our respective IPODs in total silence. I stared at her and she looked as though my staring made her uncomfortable. So much for the work of the gods.

After lunch we get sworn in and the lawyers pull us in a room one by one to ask ridiculous questions about what you do for a living. The case before us was an auto accident between a black man (plantiff) and a black woman (horrible driver), as I gazed around the room I knew right away that I was going to get tossed. Of the 20 of us, we were 10 men and 10 women. Since 8 jurors were needed, I suspected 4 men and 4 women would ultimately comprise the jury. That meant I had a 60% chance of NOT making the cut. Throw in the fact that 7 of the 10 men were white and the plantiff and defendant were black, I was convinced that improved my chances greatly. Low and behold, an hour later I am not selected. My suspicions were completely accurate as the jury wound up being 4 men, 2 black and 2 white and 4 women, 3 black and 1 white.

So finally at about 3 PM we are given our $9 checks and released into the wild. Wow, a whole $9? Good thing parking was only $7 and my bagel was $1. I made a dollar for 7 hours of hell. Oh wait a minute...............

Since I'm hardly near the Reading Terminal Market these days, I figured I would take the opportunity to buy some fresh breads and meats. It's only 3 and I can run in there right quick and still beat it home before traffic gets to crazy. So I jetted from the muni building to the market, grabbed some bagels from Le Bus (mmm), some ground turkey for dinner and some fallafel for the hell of it. I was in and out of the market, over to the parking lot for my car and out on Filbert St before I realized that I never retrieved my "checked" cell phone. FUCK!

Now since I had paid for parking already, I wasn't looking to go back into a lot for 1 minute at a cost of $15 every 20 minutes...with an hour minimum charge. (Fucking robbery those lots are.) I decided to roll over to the municipal building, look for a spot out front to jump into or double park, run out and grab my phone. Sounds easy eh? Well I found a spot alright. Right out front. I was in and out in literally 2 minutes tops. Cell phone in hand. What do I see in front of me? The meter maid from hell already writing me a ticket for parking in a handicap meter spot. Doh. I walk up calmly to her, explain my situation (waste of time) and politely wait for her to complete my ticket. I got in my car and drove off thinking, "oh well, that sucks." It wasn't until I looked at the ticket that I wanted to be dead. $300!!! Are you fucking nuts!!!! Checking your cell phone in because people can't be trusted to turn them the fuck off leads to me getting hit with a $300 ticket for parking at a handicap meter for 2 lousy minutes!!! Is this for real???!!!

I'm now down $299, extremely tired and more depressed than I was yesterday. Thank you Philadelphia. I love you.

Voting, Now This?

So tomorrow morning at 8 AM yours truly will be hoping like hell he doesn't get selected for a trial when I attend my first jury duty session for the city of Philadelphia. I've lucked out making it this long without getting picked to even go, so I guess it's not all bad. What sucks is working until Midnight and then having to be at City Hall at the fucking crack of dawn. So much for a day off from work...

I'm already looking to get this week over with and it's Sunday night.

I Tried to Resist...

About 14 months ago a Friendster of mine turned me onto MySpace.com. He said it was going to be the next best thing and that I should set up an account over there. Well, I did and then quickly forgot about it. Now I'm surrounded at work by My Space lunatics and I was forced into reigniting my profile on there and actually making an effort to locate friends. And that process is very addictive. I spent way too much time in the last couple waking hours putting names into the search finder just to see what I can strum up. And now I must take a much need break and eat some Dunkin Donuts which will surely make me ill.

I'm Throwing Up on Myself.

Ewww
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

What's the worse part of this photo?

Tara Reid's hairdo?
Her crackheadish smile?
Her nasty eye shadow?
Her frankenboob?

At least she ain't lying about getting new tits. Looks to me like they cut off the nipple, shoved in a water balloon and Lilo and Stiched that shit up. I probably could have performed a better boob job and I ain't been to no medical school.

Bummed Out

I feel ill. Always. I can't recall the last time I felt "good" health wise. I wouldn't say I'm a hypochondriac which is defined as the persistent conviction that one is or is likely to become ill, often involving symptoms when illness is neither present nor likely, and persisting despite reassurance and medical evidence to the contrary. The symptoms are there, I just choose to ignore them. And that's not good for business.

I'm happy to report that I have experienced little pain, discomfort or infection from my root canal on Wednesday, however my stomach has been in a state of quake all week. I'm convinced it's colitis or Crohns at this point. Here's what I found about both of them using the trusty internets as my guide.

The most common symptoms of Crohn's disease are abdominal pain, often in the lower right area, and diarrhea. Rectal bleeding, weight loss, and fever may also occur. Bleeding may be serious and persistent, leading to anemia.

The symptoms of ulcerative colitis may include:

1) Diarrhea. Some people may have diarrhea 10 to 20 times a day. The urge to go to the bathroom may wake you up at night.
2) Rectal bleeding. Ulcerative colitis usually causes bloody diarrhea and mucus. You also may have rectal pain and an urgent need to empty your bowels.
3) Abdominal pain, often described as cramping. Your abdomen may be sore when touched.
4) Constipation. This symptom may develop depending on what part of the colon is affected. Constipation is much less common than diarrhea.
5) Loss of appetite.
6) Fever. In severe cases, fever or other symptoms that affect the entire body may develop.
7) Weight loss. Chronic symptoms, such as diarrhea, can lead to weight loss.

With the exception of weight loss, I think this covers the bases. Clearly some of you are wondering why I just don't see a doctor about this illness and get it over with. Well, here's why.

1) I hate hospitals. I know Doctor's have offices, but I'm convinced that whatever I have will lead me to a hospital.
2) My mother had all kinds of health problems (she did have colitis, diabetes, cysts, etc.) and died at age 44. (See #1)
3) I don't trust medication. It's artificial. And it's corrupt...see Pfizer.
4) I'm lazy.
5) I always think it will go away.

I guess I'm making things worse by neglecting whatever it is that makes me a psycho when it comes to number 2. I don't really feel like leaving the house much as a result of my constant, nagging pangs of needing to poot. And as I have previously mentioned, this makes my lifestyle mirror that of a serial killer. Not good for trying to obtain the all important girlfriend.

Right now I'm at a point where I see plenty of gals around that I wouldn't mind asking out, but I don't feel comfortable actually going out. Can you imagine the following scenario?

"Hey. You wanna come over to my house tonight and watch TV?"
"How about we get a drink instead," she retorts.
"Well, see...I can't be away from my toilet so I'm gonna have to pass."

Naturally I'm being romantic in my notion that this is how my attempt at courting will pan out. More realistically her retort will be, "leave me alone LOSER." But I think you get my point. I'm crippled by my insecurity surrounding my fawlty bowels. And this is on top of being fat with a large shaped head and a sarcastic outlook on life.

What's Next for Me?

OUTBOUND CALL CENTRE SUPERVISOR

Our rapidly growing Call Centre is currently seeking to fill outbound supervisor positions. Representing Fortune 500 clients, Gemma Communications has been serving the Canadian market for over 4 years and is looking to add additional members to its team. Our 350-seat state of the art call centre offers an opportunity for future growth, benefit package, and is in demand for top quality supervisors.

Qualifications:
Minimum of 2 years of outbound sales and management experience in an outsourcing call centre a must.
Ability to coach, mentor and develop direct reports.
Proven track record of consistently meeting and exceeding client objectives.
Ability to motivate and manage a team of 15-20 sales agents Ability to identify and address areas of opportunity relative to performance and provide solutions.
Proficient with Excel.
Ability to work under pressure in a fast paced environment.
Ability to multi-task
Works well individually and with teams
Location is in Toronto.
Salary rage is $35-38,000/year plus bonuses.
Position is Fulltime permanent and individuals must be flexible to work Monday to Sunday and be available to work evening hours.

Okay. In looking at the qualifications, I can say check, check, check, check, check (kind of), CHECK, check, check, cold/but not a Bush state, could be worse and Saturdays off. I'm thinking about it....

Collective Depression

It's official, we are going to be under fascist rule for 4 more years. I can't bear to listen to the acceptance speech that is on CNN right now for fear that I will just start crying and never stop. I can't believe that I live in a country where they let this asshole get away with all the shit he does. I look around and see nothing but sad faces, people who really gave a shit about the election and supported the overthrow of our leader. Every away message is sentiment of disgust and confusion. It's just sad.

All I can say is that we have to stay strong and keep the fight going. Put pressure on this retard president of ours to listen to what we want as citizens of this nation. The Democratic party needs to get its shit together and form a united opposition to the Republican machine. The Michael Moore's and Bill Maher's of the world need to keep calling this regime to task. And the youth who came out with a vengeance cannot hide away until it matters again in 4 more years. Get involved, stay involved and let's take this motherfucker down together.

Painful

Tomorrow morning at 8 AM I have a root canal scheduled. Now normally I would be freaked out by the event since my experience with dentists is full of horror stories. But right now, with the direction I see the election going, I am looking forward to the pain. It can't be worse than having Bush at the helm for four more years. I am totally freaked out that this thing is so fucking close. The hope of our country rests in the hands of Ohio. Oh my God. Ohio? I guess the silver lining is that I am too old to be drafted to go to Vietnam. Oops, I mean Iraq.

I hope that when I wake up tomorrow, it was all a dream and that John Kerry is the winner. If not, I'm looking into jobs in Montreal once I get home from the dentist.

Clever

I Saw Saw

Aside from some over the top acting at various points, Saw delivers with chills and thrills. I was expecting a tad more on the gore front, but I was still presently suprised by the twists and turns in the plot. I commend the makers for dusting off Cary Elwes and Danny Glover and giving them some much needed work. Mr. Glover was this close to signing on for Gone Fishin' 2: Electric Eel Bugaloo with Joe Pesci. And Cary, well he has made only one film since Princess Bride that was watchable and no one saw it. (The Cat's Meow with Eddie Izzard as Charlie Chaplin) I do question the use of the screenwriter as the second lead in this flick however. He's over the top from jump, but his screenplay was solid considering how easy it is to put together a contrived horror film these days.

I was also thrilled to see Rob Zombie's new flick, The Devil's Rejects, previewed prior to Saw. The gang's all back and it looks demented just like House of 1,000 Corpses. And I saw this other preview that looked interesting, perhaps a foriegn film of some sort (no dialogue in the preview, just a voiceover....common marketing ploy for foreign movies.) and looked like a revenge thriller. High Tension. God Bless IMDB....it's a french film, Haute Tension. Anyway, looks kind of dark and cool.

Do It.

My civic duty is done. I managed to get to the polls, figure out the voting machine and cast my ballot for the Kerry/Edwards ticket. I was surprised by the lack of turnout at the polls, but I did go off peak at 10 AM. Most folks vote before or after their 9-5, so I wasn't all that concerned. However, the people there handing out their propaganda underwhelmed me even more than the turnout. What happed to enthusiasm? If you want me to vote for Bush/Cheney, fucking tell me so. Don't hand me a little piece of paper with shit on it....engage me. Oh well. The Move On lady wasn't very vocal either, so maybe I just look like a man who is determined and they didn't want to bother.

By the way, I live in the city. Not the sprawl of central PA. So why the hell are the poll workers playing country music? The lady who asked for my name was toothless and singing along to country music. I thought I was in Alabama for a minute. People who work the polls are fucking scary? Do they get paid for this work? I wonder...

I hope everyone who reads this took the time and effort today to make their voice count. Regardless of your choice, you have to vote.

Yogi Bush Cartoon

Schlange Man!