Bummed Out

I feel ill. Always. I can't recall the last time I felt "good" health wise. I wouldn't say I'm a hypochondriac which is defined as the persistent conviction that one is or is likely to become ill, often involving symptoms when illness is neither present nor likely, and persisting despite reassurance and medical evidence to the contrary. The symptoms are there, I just choose to ignore them. And that's not good for business.

I'm happy to report that I have experienced little pain, discomfort or infection from my root canal on Wednesday, however my stomach has been in a state of quake all week. I'm convinced it's colitis or Crohns at this point. Here's what I found about both of them using the trusty internets as my guide.

The most common symptoms of Crohn's disease are abdominal pain, often in the lower right area, and diarrhea. Rectal bleeding, weight loss, and fever may also occur. Bleeding may be serious and persistent, leading to anemia.

The symptoms of ulcerative colitis may include:

1) Diarrhea. Some people may have diarrhea 10 to 20 times a day. The urge to go to the bathroom may wake you up at night.
2) Rectal bleeding. Ulcerative colitis usually causes bloody diarrhea and mucus. You also may have rectal pain and an urgent need to empty your bowels.
3) Abdominal pain, often described as cramping. Your abdomen may be sore when touched.
4) Constipation. This symptom may develop depending on what part of the colon is affected. Constipation is much less common than diarrhea.
5) Loss of appetite.
6) Fever. In severe cases, fever or other symptoms that affect the entire body may develop.
7) Weight loss. Chronic symptoms, such as diarrhea, can lead to weight loss.

With the exception of weight loss, I think this covers the bases. Clearly some of you are wondering why I just don't see a doctor about this illness and get it over with. Well, here's why.

1) I hate hospitals. I know Doctor's have offices, but I'm convinced that whatever I have will lead me to a hospital.
2) My mother had all kinds of health problems (she did have colitis, diabetes, cysts, etc.) and died at age 44. (See #1)
3) I don't trust medication. It's artificial. And it's corrupt...see Pfizer.
4) I'm lazy.
5) I always think it will go away.

I guess I'm making things worse by neglecting whatever it is that makes me a psycho when it comes to number 2. I don't really feel like leaving the house much as a result of my constant, nagging pangs of needing to poot. And as I have previously mentioned, this makes my lifestyle mirror that of a serial killer. Not good for trying to obtain the all important girlfriend.

Right now I'm at a point where I see plenty of gals around that I wouldn't mind asking out, but I don't feel comfortable actually going out. Can you imagine the following scenario?

"Hey. You wanna come over to my house tonight and watch TV?"
"How about we get a drink instead," she retorts.
"Well, see...I can't be away from my toilet so I'm gonna have to pass."

Naturally I'm being romantic in my notion that this is how my attempt at courting will pan out. More realistically her retort will be, "leave me alone LOSER." But I think you get my point. I'm crippled by my insecurity surrounding my fawlty bowels. And this is on top of being fat with a large shaped head and a sarcastic outlook on life.