Overdue?

It's been a while since I had a soul cleansing post, so since I'm kind of bored and predisposed working I guess I'll get all reflective about shit and whatnot. I may jump all over the map here, so bear with me. I'm tired, unfocused and I am a shade awkward when it comes to emoting about my issues or situation, so you have been warned.

Here's what I am learning about myself:

1. I don't really want to own a home.

I have been doing the research and looking for the perfect place to buy lately, but the fire has never really come up into my belly like I was hoping it would. I like it here for the most part, and the job is going well, but I don't see myself as a home owner. The responsibility, the financial aspect, it's all kind of overwhelming to me and honestly the only reason I'm considering it is to reduce my monthly rent payment somewhat. I've been clued into the fact that my rental company may have taken advantage of me upon moving here (shocker!) and I am paying an above market rent payment for a space that isn't that big. So, here's what I think I'm going to do in the short term. I'm going to find a new apartment for less and move before my lease is up. Joolie managed to break her lease with the same company with little hassle, so I know it can be done.

2. I really, really, really want to have a girlfriend.

Okay, let me explain this one by using this very clever analogy. I don't miss using crack because I've never used it. What I mean by this is very simple, I grew attached to the idea of having a girlfriend when I started to actually have some success with women. When I was just a lonely retard that couldn't get a girl to hook up with me more than once, I never thought about "being" with someone. I was more focused on getting a second date than planning out our lives together. Since moving here, I have managed to break free a little and I feel more confident which has equated to some modest success. This very limited exposure to connecting with a woman on different levels has made me want to take things further, makes me want to have a someone in my life for more than just a month, or two. Now I'm like a crackhead. So much so that I have started to think that giving up on something like I did without much of a fight was a dumb move. What I haven't quite decided on is do I feel this way because I think about this or do I think this way because this is how I feel about it? If that last sentence confuses you, imagine what it's like to be me? What I mean is that I don't want to work towards repairing a broken relationship if the only reason is for me to have a girlfriend. I want there to be other reasons, I want to sense that the relationship will have promise even if it may be a struggle.

3. Augusta, Georgia is drunk.

Although I've met some interesting people here in Augusta, and I think I'm actually at the point where I can say I have friends, for the most part I see a lot their lives being destroyed by alcohol. Let me provide some examples so that you can see what I mean. Punk Rock Baby is a drunk, something she is starting to realize and something I realized early on in dealing with her. Chris is a guy who was in the hospital a few weeks ago with pancreatis from binge drinking. Jason is going through a messy divorce and got drunk, attempted to beat up his wife's lover and instead got his good friend's ass kicked who was along for the ride. In just the last week a girl got her face smashed into a wall perhaps blinding her in one eye, this guy Chance got a DUI and I can't even imagine how many ugly people in this town fucked all the result of alcohol intake. Now I'm all for going out and having a good time, but this town doesn't know much about moderation. I guess living here your whole life may contribute some to bad habits, I've been bored more times in this town than not over the last 8 months, so maybe that's a contributing factor. All I'm saying is that I see a scary pattern developing and I'm happy that I don't have an addictive personality. Nor can I physically handle drinking more than once or twice a week at the most.

4. I am the gay friend who isn't gay.

I'm at the bar last night and in walks this guy who sort of resembles me, same body type, wearing glasses, same color tee shirt that I was wearing, and Joolie slips when instead of saying "Hey it's your doppelganger!" she says "Hey it's the male version of you!" Now I'm thrilled that Joolie and I have become Best Friends Forever, but I kind of wish she thought of me as a guy still. I'm not threatened by being labeled gay by anyone, God knows I don't give a fuck about sexual orientation. And Joolie knows I'm not gay, so I'm not implying that she was trying to out me at the bar in front of her boyfriend or anything. It's just that Joolie and I look at each other as best friends now and that role is typically held by someone of the same sex not the opposite sex. I'm just as guilty as she is by talking to her openly about porn, shitting, having sex; stuff usually reserved for conversations with my boys. And I'm not really concerned about this, as much as I think it's a funny story that explains a lot about me in a very quick way. As evidenced by my growing closeness to Sydney and Tena, I'm a pretty comfortable guy to be around. Okay, once you establish boundaries with me that is. There isn't a guy alive who is straight and has female friends that hasn't thought about them as either a girlfriend or a sex object, and I'm no different. The thing with me is that I get crushes on girls, fail to light a spark in them to find me interesting and decide that if I liked them enough to want to date them, then they must be pretty solid chicks. At that point I am able to just be a very supportive and considerate friend to them, even if I am a guy who used to want to fuck them. Most guys would probably find this to be torture and I'm not going to lie, it's not always easy to be viewed as a non-threat. However, the way each of these ladies contributes to my life is intregral to my survival right now. What kind of sucks a little is that other girls are usually quick to assume that I'm already with one of the girls I roll with or that I'm gay or they are threatened by the girls which is silly girl bullshit that I can't figure the hell out.

5. Johari Window

As my friend Jared pointed out in a comment on here, I need more introspection like a bullet to the head, but I can tell you that the word on the Johari window is that I found it incredibly insightful. Only about 10 folks took part in the experiment, but the cross section of people who did was pretty good and therefore I think the results will continue to fall into a pattern that has already emerged. The participants included family members, old friends, new friends, best friends, work associates and each sub group has similiar assessments of my quality of being. Realizing that the way I carry myself around a particular group of people determines for them who I am, was reason enough to justify doing this silly thing. Some things were no surprise to me, lots of people think I'm witty and complex, and I couldn't agree more. I was shocked a little to see that no one said I was kind, a quality I picked for myself. However, people did use words like helpful, caring, trustworthy and dependable which I think are similiar in concept to being kind. Another fun tidbit that came out of this was that people think I'm smart...10 of 11 people either chose intelligent or knowledgable to describe me. I do think I'm smart, I just shyed away from picking that because I didn't want to seem like a cocky fuck. I think it's funny that only two people agreed with my selection of self-concious, one being Joolie and the other my cousin Todd. But not as funny as only having two people confirm that I'm loving, one of which was my brother. Don't you people read this fucking blog???!!!?!?! Let's finish this off with a scary revelation, one that I found shocking about the Johari Window experiment. The person who pegged the most right was Punk Rock Baby and that's just all kinds of scary. Not because of who she is or what she's done, but because it only proves that I showed her who I really was and she figured me out. And her getting so many right made me think that putting yourself out there for people isn't such a bad thing even if things don't always work out the way you would have hoped they would.