The One That Got Away

On the verge of 33, I guess I'm at that point in life where you start to reflect a little more clearly on how you spent your twenties. Not a mid-life crisis or anything like that, just some recollections of events and what not. Being single and childless, I have plenty of time to spend on reflection. Not that I want to be married and have kids, I'm merely saying that I bet all bachelor's once they hit a certain age think about what it would have been like if you chose a different path.

I think a story I heard yesterday at work put me in this odd state of rememberance. This guy was talking about his high school girlfriend who was really cool and how her sister wound up married to The Edge. He was saying that if things worked out differently, his brother in law right now would be The Edge. That's fucked.

Maybe seeing my buddy Rob's sister last night added to this decision to piece things together. I remember vividly in college of having a huge crush on Beth who was still in high school at the time. Sounds sick now that I am 33, but I was 20 at the time and she was probably 15 or 16 which isn't too bad. I'm thinking she might actually be responsible for my continued obession with young gals. Hogwash!

I can only blame myself for continuing to look at teenage girls as a viable dating alternative. I'm not sure why I do this. I mean the attraction factor comes across as possibly illicit considering my continued maturity. Lolita looks pretty in that two piece...fucking sicko. Maybe it's the uncomplicated behavior of a teenage girl. She's more concerened with material things than procreating. I rule out dating most women in my demographic simply because I don't want kids and I'm allergic to cats. That wipes out a ton of eligible single women.

Whatever the fascination with women 20 and under is, I'm sure it is making me seem more and more like a dirty old man instead of a real person. I'm a bit of a caricature to most, potty mouthed and willing to say anything to make people uncomfortable. But I think there must be a deeper reason for how I act and who I ultimately am. Was it because I wasn't a cassanova in high school? Was it because my parent's divorced when I was 3? Was it because I went to an all boy's high school? Part of me thinks that all of these had an impact on shaping who I am today.

I have spent a large part of my life not having any intimacy with a member of the opposite sex. I have had relationships, but nothing longer than say 6 months. It's odd. Sometimes I am happy to say that and other times I think it makes me seem a bit like a freak. I don't exactly crave a relationship, but sometimes I wonder why I am not more actively looking for one. The older I get, the more distant I am becoming with my friend's who are all grown up. Most of them are married, dating someone or having kids....and here I am doing nothing. I work, I watch TV, I read, I sleep, I blog. I'm not a go getter when it comes to women. Fear of rejection is a huge part of that. It's not just fear, it's actually rejection that I have suffered that beats me back into my shell. Most of my casual hook ups in the past few years have all been a drunken mistake that some girl made. How's that for your self esteem? Mr. Mistake. I'm not saying that these women were cruel enough to refer to me as a mistake to my face, but their behavior the following day says it all. (Ever get the feeling that you are sharing to much? That's where I am RIGHT NOW.)

Is there a point to all this rambling? I guess so. It's just that I wish I could have made one of these hook ups turn into a relationship of some sort. It would be nice to have some experience longer than 6 months to draw on. Even if it's for material to shape my dreams or musings. In college I spent a lot of time being 'the friend' to girls. I should have been more forthcoming and just told them straight out that my angle was to be a boyfriend, not a friend. I've spent the last few years doing just that and as a result I don't have many female friends. Some women look at me like a pig, not just my physical stature, but my personality as well. And that sucks. How do I fix it? I don't know. I remember back in the day, when I had female friends, they would always tell me that I was too nice. Apparently boyfriend's are assholes and until I become one, I won't succeed. I like being nice. I like being concerned about people. And supportive. And complimentary. What the fuck is wrong with that. I think that I get a bum rap sometimes. I'm not a pervert because I like one of my sister's friends. I can't help who I like. If I feel a connection or attraction to someone, I need to act on it consequences be damned. I'm getting to old for this shit. Either I am going to become a hermit who is extremely social at work, but otherwise hides in his room or I'm going to find the right gal to make mine.

Bottom line. I'm currently accepting applications for a girlfriend. Must be between the ages of 18-24, must like attention and pampering, must like movies. If you are a bitch, all the better. The machocist in me is attracted to the bitchy ones.