Unplugged

I am about to unplug the computer and I'm not sure when I will go live again. I'm heading out tonight or tomorrow for Georgia and at this time I haven't yet lined up the whole internet thing. Enjoy your holiday weekend! My plans include watching Season 1 of Scrubs on DVD and hitting up the movies for at least War of the Worlds and Land of the Dead. Look for future reviews!

Georgia here I come!

Well, That Was Fun...

Burned a vacation day to wait 13 hours for my movers to show up yesterday. Fun times. When they arrived at 9 PM, it took them all of 75 minutes to load the truck since I'm a professional packer. Moving basically every year since 1989 will teach you a think or two about packing up your shit.

As I was drifting off to sleep on my mattress in my barren room it occurred to me that I actually had the movers take part of something that should have stayed behind. Fuck me! I'm so out of it anymore with all this moving related stress. I just want it to be over already.

I'm Not Ready!

Back to work at Philly today which was a joke. Nobody wants to be there and I literally did nothing all day. Well, that's not entirely true, I managed to call and disconnect/connect all my utilities for my apartments. A little snafu with my Dish Network is still lingering and until that is resolved, I'm not sure what's going to happen with getting some internet hooked up down in GA. I can either kill Dish Network, pay $240 and climb up a ladder to remove some part from the dish over my apartment now OR I can petition my new landlord to allow them to mount a dish on a pole outside my new apartment building. The lease states no dishes can be mounted to the house, so I have a call in to clarify what the deal with the pole is. I kind of want to keep the service because I don't want to climb a ladder or put out the disconnect charge, even though I can get reimbursed for it. But I don't want to call Comcast for internet and then have to call them back for cable until I get the word from the landlord in GA.

Everything was moving right along until about 5:30 PM when a call from the movers has put me into full on panic mode. The guy in charge very nonchalantly says that tomorrow morning is my pick up date. Thanks for the fucking notice! I was expecting them to come on Thursday as requested, so I'm basically ill prepared and I'm currently frantically packing. I was scheduled to work tomorrow and had to burn a vacation day to deal with the movers. Sidenote: My friend Joolie used the same movers and they said they would deliver her shit anywhere from 5-14 business days from the pick up date. Huh? That's a great target range isn't it? So I guess the earliest I can expect my shit to arrive will be 5 business days from tomorrow which puts me well past the 4th of July. Sweet. This is gonna suck...

Tragic

It appears that Nike has run out of original ideas for promoting their sneakers and have decided to rip off Minor Threat. I wonder if Ian McKaye isn't raking in some loot for this? That would be ironic to say the least considering that Minor Threat basically only released one EP while they were together and the guy has literally gone out of his way to not make money from his music.


I guess if the Beatle's music can be used to sell sneakers, then so can some old ass album cover art from a band that not many kids today even know. (Gumsoles Gabe dropped this bomb on me. Cheers!)

Real World Austin

Please tell me you watched the first episode of the new Real World season? As much as I hated the Philly cast and season, the Real World is back in all it's sad glory with this Austin cast. In episode 1 you have female roommates making out, two females hooking up with the same roommate and a total brawl with broken cheeks! And did I mention this episode unfolds over the course of 2 days? From the preview of the season that followed the first episode, it appears as though this cast might rival Las Vegas as the most intoxicated and sexually adventurous ever.

I thought maybe there was a shark jumped last season, but I think I might be wrong...

Fond Farewell

I've been reading over my last two posts and I'm all over the place. Let me put this out there, I'm a tad frantic about this whole situation, but I'm not going to allow myself to be too upset over something I cannot change. I'm moving to Georgia and I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Although things might not be comfortable or how I would prefer them to be, I'm dedicated to making sure I survive this transition and I am focused on maintaining a positive attitude about it. Maybe my concerns are really just excuses? I'm going to be missing a lot of people that mean the world to me and maybe this is my way of trying to sabotage myself so I don't have to leave them? In reality, the situation is the same as it was 2 months ago, this is an opportunity for me to explore something different and make some money while doing it. As it creeps closer and I start to realize the gravity of this decision, I'm allowing that to enter my thoughts and it is clouding my judgment a little. Was it as bad as I thought down there? Probably not. I have a way of embellishing things, a poetic license if you will, to make this blog more interesting to you all. Yes the people talk funny, and yes they are kind of poor and uneducated, but that doesn't mean I'm going to hate it.

Last night was my brother Dan's graduation party (and kind of my Bon Voyage celebration) and I was surrounded by the people who mean the most to me. Seeing what I am going to miss on such a large scale is frightening. For the most part, people are supportive. At least it appeared that way. I was very drunk from the onset, so a lot of last night is fuzzy to me. Spending some time just relaxing and drinking and celebrating with friends and family was just was I needed after my last week down south. My batteries are re-charged and I'm now certain I can do this. What I have is a group of people who want to see me succeed and support me no matter the circumstance. I know that if I decide to come back in a year, my family and friends will welcome that decision as they have accepted me all these many years. I'm not one for goodbyes, especially tearful, drawn out ones, but I want to at least acknowledge some folks for their support and good wishes last night.

Brother Dan gets a nod for allowing me to share his spotlight last night. This kid is talented and going to make something of his life and I'm happy that I had something to do with shaping who he has become. (Even if he wants to deny this very fact.)

My boys The Weasel, Gabe, Jared and JV not only came out to show their love for me, but they were willing participants in celebrating Dan's graduation. I'm lucky to have a great bunch of friends. Although we don't hang out as often as we would like, we are family and I know that I got four motherfuckers who got my back.

The Ridge Boys for whom I had some tee shirts whipped up as a memento of our time together on the Ridge. I was lucky to have met Myers, Jeffs and Larry when I was down on my luck and in need of shelter a few years ago. They got an old man for a roommate and I got some more younger brothers to cheer on and try to help as best I can.

Since I'm not dying, merely moving to another state, I'll try to wrap this up...

Audrey used her talent to make me a wonderful gift that I will cherish for a long, long time. I'm going to miss both her and Noele immensely when I'm gone. Their words inspire me. Their generosity impresses me.

I'm a lucky fucking guy. That's all there is to it.

What am I doing?

I'm just about to leave SC for home and I'm thinking to myself, "do I want to come back here in a week?"

The people are friendly, but very different. I'm wondering if I can maybe find a wife down here? The girls are kind of cute with their short skirts and southern accents, but it seems like if the girl is attractive and made it out of high school she already has a baby or two and possibly an ex-husband. I'm talking about the 21 year olds too, not the over 30 set. It's quite the culture shock to be honest. Good news: The young ones like to fuck! Bad news: I'm not sure I want to be a stepfather.

The job is the same. I'm not doing anything more than I was at my old job, which is okay. I'm getting a decent schedule and the opportunity to just come in and do my job and go home. Suits me fine now, but long term I'm not sure what the point of moving is if I don't have any opportunity to grow. All my new co-workers (fellow management folks) know each other either professionally, personally or socially which further intimidates me. And demographically they are all older than me and have families of their own, something I don't have. In Philly I have peers and employees that I can get along with based on common interests, whether it be movies or music or humor. Down here, it's going to be a struggle to get people to even laugh at my jokes or know what I am referring to half the time. Good news: I'll be the guy who knows the most about everything! Bad news: Will I find anyone to have a conversation with?

At this point, it's too late to back out...so I'm coming down for a year no matter what. I'm trying to remain optimistic. I'm looking forward to coming home today...

Hell Trip?

Things started off really rough on Sunday. I worked 7:30 AM to 3 PM and then rushed to the airport in Philly only to wait at the gate for 4 hours. Apparently this delay would cause me to miss my connection in Charlotte, so I wasn't going to arrive in Georgia until midnight. Fast forward to more delays, being on standby, almost not getting the rental car because Alamo in Augusta's airport closes at midnight, the airline losing my luggage and then the hotel being closed when we arrived at 2 AM.

The topper was then having to be called into work at 10 AM with no clothes to change into and little sleep only to organize some binders and meet only 1 new supervisor at the new location. Huh? Day 1 ends angry. Day 2 ends angry and smelly. Although my luggage did arrive at 4 PM Monday with nothing missing. We have been having major systems issues in our new site in SC, so training has been getting pushed back and everyone was given Monday off for us to regroup. Except for the guy who just worked, traveled for 11 hours and has no luggage. Nah, he should come in to organize shit.

I'm happy to report that yesterday went a little smoother. I met about 90 people and they run the gamut from dense to interesting. The crowd is certainly WAY different than I'm used to, but I'm embracing it. I'm the kid on the leadership team now. Figure that one out. When Joolie shows up, she will hold that title thankfully. All my new peers are 40+ and appear to know each other from either the neighborhood or a former place of employment. It's slightly intimidating to be honest. I'm anxious to carve my mark out here and establish myself. I did have the opportunity to give the entire new staff an overview of my life from birth to last week which had them all in stitches. I guess if nothing else, they laugh at my jokes which is comforting. I was afraid that Southern folk wouldn't get me....but the do.

I have so much more to discuss, but my hotel doesn't even allow you to rent a movie, let alone have internet. No cell signal either. I had to squeeze this in before work starts @ 8 AM, so I have to be brief.

Real World Austin, Wonderland (the book) and various other musings will be forthcoming. So hang in there and chew on this until I get back.

Falling Into Place?

This week has been kind of productive I guess. I've manage to pack up some things, downsize a bit and get my belongings itemized. I've also worked through some issues with the costs associated with my new apartment, i.e. I'm using my relocation allowance towards my rent for a while until I locate a suitable area to consider "buying" a house. (God forbid) And just today I've figured out what shift I will be working in South Carolina. A big part of my decision to go was that my job was going to shift from being so all over the map with hours to something more consistent and normal. I'm pleased to report that this is in fact the case and I'm very happy that I'll be working 1 PM to 10 PM steadily Monday-Friday. Every month I will have to give up a weekend and that's alright by me considering that I'm very happy with having a steady shift, and one that I prefer no less. My new peers in SC actually allowed me and my cohort Joolie to get first pick on what shift we wanted to work which was not only surprising, but a tad exciting. Finally I feel like I have some seniority in life!

I'm still not sure what the hell to expect when I do move, especially with regard to my job, but I'm getting more used to the idea of moving. There are a ton of things that are flat out getting on my nerves anymore, and I'm eager to make a change. I have big plans to get my life together and try to break out of this shell I've created around myself. All that I have left to worry about now is getting through the next week of traveling down to SC (hotel living sounds nice....HOT SHOWERS!) and squaring away things with the movers. I'm flying solo on my drive down, which is actually preferable....a clean break if you will. Along the way I'm stopping at Dad's house to visit for a hot minute in VA.

I wish I had more time to spend with people that I'll miss. The way my schedule with work bounces up against my employees, I've been having to say goodbye to people (or forgetting to say goodbye to people) that I'm not going to see again. Just today I realized that I wouldn't see a chick again based on my trip to SC and her getting her shifts covered during my last week. And then of course I totally forgot that I was not going to see someone again and wound up not even saying goodbye to her. It's all so complicated. And since there doesn't appear to be any farewell party afoot, I'm trying to strum something up with a few choice peeps for the 25th of June, aka MY LAST SATURDAY here. I'm sure it will be half assed, but I'm very eager to spend at least one night letting loose with "my kids" from work. Considering this is the night after my brother Dan's graduation party, the last weekend in June is quickly aiming to be a lost weekend.

Plus/Minus - Philly

Things I Will Not Miss About Philly:

1. Living across the street from the biggest loser bar in the Roxborough area.


2. Traffic. Everywhere. Kill Me.


3. Not having Hot Water for the last 5 weeks here.

Things I Will Miss About Philly:

1. Snow.


2. Knowing that if I wanted to, I could do any number of things of a cultural nature.


3. Seeing people bathing in the fountains like that ain't nasty as hell.

Freakier Sight of the Night?

Christian Bale bone thin in The Machinist or Wang Chung belting out Nelly's Hot In Herre on Hit Me Baby One More Time?

The Machinist is classic De Palma with it's slow unraveling and twists and turns. I was enthralled by Bale's performance and not merely because he looked like the "new" Lindsey Lohan throughout. Remember Guy Pearce in Memento? On par with that. Eerie as fuck with one hell of a pay off at the end. Decent ride.

How I managed to watch Hit Me Baby is beyond me. Let's call it a need for me to be in the know on all things kitsch. Tender moment for me was seeing Howard Jones, a guy I loved when I was in 9th grade, belt out his classic No One Is To Blame. I even thought his version of Dido's White Flag was pretty solid too. Fucking Cameo is a mess. Odd moment of the night was remembering a Sony industry "party" I attended back when I was a pseudo rock star for the release of Sophie B. Hawkins album. I was sitting poolside and she was playing acoustically for industry folks barefoot and stoned out of her head. From the looks of it tonight, she's still a fan of the pipe.

The Heart of Rock N' Roll Is Still Beating.

Huey Lewis is a genius. I downloaded his Greatest Hits and took a trip down memory lane tonight. Good times, good times. I remember when my Dad bought Sports on vinyl, he had such a hard on for Huey Lewis. I'm sure he made me go see them more than once when I was like 10 years old. But I'm not sure I was complaining....because the songs were incredibly catchy.

If you didn't watch 30 Days on FX tonight you missed out. Morgan Spurlock, the guy who made Super Size Me, now has a TV show that is kind of good. Tonight's episode exposed the horrors of minimum wage in the USA. Both he and his wife lived solely on two full time minimum wage salaries to see if they could make it a month. Guess what? They didn't. Watch this shit and get educated and stuff.

Things continue to fall into place with the move much to my chagrin. I'm actually pulling this off. Ridiculous.

Ah, Sisterhood

Today I saw Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with my friends Noele and Audrey. I feel like a loser, so lay off. It was worse than I imagined and I wanted to laugh a lot. Thankfully, the beers and conversation following the movie made up for it.

To my sisterhood sisters, not to be confused with my real sisters, I present this homage to today's movie trip.

TomKat

I'm not going to lie. I was a huge fan of Dawson's Creek, mainly because of how hot I thought Joey Potter was. Pacey's witty dialogue was that little something extra that made it okay for me, a man in my mid-twenties, to enjoy oggling Katie Holmes for 46 minutes per week. I can remember the day I heard about The Gift being filmed and how Katie was going topless....one of the happiest days of my life. Actually, I guess technically the happiest day was when I went to see The Gift and saw those melons in the flesh on the big screen. Oh wait, actually, come to think of it, I guess renting The Gift on DVD and being able to pause on that particular scene in the film, yeah that was the happiest day. Not of my life....but it's in the top ten.

And I'll also admit that I probably like Tom Cruise as an actor. The guy has made cheese that I either have seen and hated (Top Gun, Cocktail) or didn't bother seeing at all because it looked so bad I couldn't bear it (Days of Thunder) but if you look at his resume as a whole, there is some quality work there. The Firm, Minority Report, Mission Impossible, Risky Business, The Outsiders, Taps, The Color of Money, Young Guns, Rain Man, Born on the Fourth of July, A Few Good Men, Magnolia, Jerry Maguire, The Last Samuri and I'm sure War of the Worlds are all very likeable movies and his presence in them is vital to their success.

Here's the rub. I'm not sure that this relationship is fake and I'm not saying that I think Katie needs to be freed. If Katie has decided to convert to Scientology, so be it. Not my business. And Tom Cruise being a looney now isn't because he is a Scientologist or a delusional Hollywood figure, it's because he's scoring a hot chick half his age. All I'm saying is that it just doesn't seem right. Katie seems a little more unattractive to me in Tom's arms and that's really the bottom line people. Given that 94.67% of all Hollywood hook ups end tragically, I'm certain that this is a summer fling which will all but be forgotten by 2006. The fact that right now this romance is inescapable says more about us then it does about TomKat. Wouldn't you agree?

Who's Bad?

When will California actually hire lawyers that can convict someone? Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all charges of child molestation today. I would be willing to bet that if they found him balls deep in the ass of a 10 year old, he still would have been found not guilty. Why? Because California is fucked. OJ got off. Robert Blake got off. Phil Spector will get off.

The only people who get found guilty are the poor.

Sometimes I wish that we could cut California off from the US and let it float out into the Pacific. Especially when I see The Pacifier make 100 Million at the box office or hear Arnold Schwarzenegger giving a speech. But then I see something like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting down with L. Ron and I feel better.

Broken Back, Breaking Balls

Today was 'move out' day for Brother Mike at his storage facility. Mike is one step closer to actually moving into his home that he purchased oh, like 3 months ago. I was along mainly to break everyone's balls and keep things light. Comic relief if you will. Not that I'm not dog fucking tired and writhing in pain from lifting shit...

Since I'm in the process of moving myself, I can honestly say that I never want to become the pack rat that Brother Mike is. I know for a fact that I just moved trash, actual trash from one place to another. And I was part of the crew that moved this same trash into storage like 2 years ago. Fucking nuts. I'm down sizing a bunch due to the big move and I made it known to Mike that he needs to do the same. Clutter is terrible. Having shit in boxes in your garage is a waste. Keep it light...that's my new motto.

Musical Family

I was out drinking with my brothers a few weeks ago with Brother Mike's fellow tech support dudes and the question came up about whether or not "the brothers" ever worked together musically. Considering my musical past, opera singer/death metal singer/white rapper; Brother Mike's forray into Space Rock as a guitar virtuoso and Brother Dan's ability to play drums, bass, guitar and sing, one would think that somewhere along the line we would have put together a family band or something. Well, we didn't. Here's why. About 2 years ago my brother's (then calling themselves Tom and Vince for some unknown reason) decided to work together and results were less than positive. Click the link and see what I mean.

Milestones

Well tonight was my sister Malia's 21st birthday and the family celebrated by going to dinner at a little place called Chickie's and Pete's. If you know me, then you know I loathe this place because it usually contains all the people I would rid the world of and tonight was no different. But I put aside my disdain to help celebrate with baby sis and tried to have as much fun as a could surrounded by retards. Didn't get too drunk and wasn't really in the mood to make it a crazy night, I guess I'm too in my head over this move to really let loose. In any case, Happy Birthday Malia.

MTV Movie Awards

Trainwreck. That about sums it up folks. Jimmy Fallon is just not funny enough, even though I really like the guy. Most of his jokes were really corny and he seemed to be on stage too much....like helping people present things when he should have been working on funnier jokes. The best thing I can say about him was that he at least looked like he wanted to be there, unlike most presenters and winners.

The cast of Fantastic Four and their scripted banter was mindnumbing. Ryan Gosling is a weirdo as proven by his "acceptance" of best kiss. Rachel McAdams, who won 3 trophies, almost seemed embarassed to be associated with the show and these movies she made before she was a somebody. The only actually winner that seemed genuine was Jon Heder (Napolean Dynamite) and good for him!

Highlights

The Revenge of the Sith spoof between Natalie Portman and Jimmy Fallon as Anakin.

The presentation of a big Silver bucket of popcorn to the cast of The Breakfast Club. The janitor guy should have been allowed on stage though....especially if Emilio doesn't bother to show up. And where was John Hughes? I could have done without the Yellowcard cover of Don't You Forget About Me however.

Eminem pretending to be Triumph and insulting Lindsey Lohan.

Lowlights

Katie Holmes is a total freak now that she is banging Tom Cruise. I heard about his shenanigans on Oprah, so I guess they are both freaks now. It was mega awkward having a chick that everyone knows you are banging present you with a life time acheivement award. Not to mention that you are like 40, so your lifetime is still kind of happening.

Dustin Hoffman winning for best comedic performance and then instead of "connecting" with the MTV generation, he acts like your Dad who is trying too hard to act like a youngster. Dustin, you are a good actor, but come on dude....less is more.

Eminem performing that terrible song with all the Crank Yankers puppets.

Even the "fake" movie that Vince Vaugh has been good for in the past, and Ben Stiller has done for MTV, was very weak. Essentially is an extended promo for the Wedding Crashers that just wasn't funny at all.

Daily Affirmation of Why I'm Moving

What's worse then being stuck behind some Jersey asshole, while having to take a monster shit, who doesn't understand that where Main Street and Ridge Ave split the constant fucking GREEN turn light means that you can fucking go?

Deciding to go around him after honking at him 3 times and then getting pulled over for crossing a double yellow line, forced to sit in pain while your shit keeps trying to force itself out while two cops take their good old fucking time issuing you a $115 ticket for unsafe driving.

That's what.

The irony of the story is not that I ultimately shit my pants, no I managed to keep it tucked until I was able to drop it in the bowl. The irony was that I eventually pulled over at the top of the Ridge Hill, which if you know where I live you will understand that I was fucking 30 yards from my toilet as I waiting 20 minutes to be issued my ticket. Ha.

I can't wait to leave this city behind. I'm considering not paying the ticket just so I can tell chicks in Georgia that I'm a fugitive with outstanding warrants.

One Last Time At The Art House

With my impending move approaching quickly, I took the last two days to say my goodbyes as it were to a couple of places that have a special place in my heart. Ever since I discovered the Ritz Theaters in high school, I have frequented the place as much as I could. On Fridays in the summer, my friends and I would see 4 films in a row between the two theaters (now 3) in the Old City area. My college years were spent learning about indie cinema in those very plush and comfortable seats. Reservoir Dogs, Clerks, Naked Lunch, movies that changed my life were first digested in those hallowed halls. Over the past couple years, while in the Manayunk area, I've grow attached to the Bala theater about 10 minutes from my house. It's an old time Main Street cinema place that specializes as much as it can in showing movies of value and not just popcorn fair. Both institutions will be severely missed since I've already seen the movie scene down in Georgia and it's multiplex junk.

Moving on, here's what I can offer about my final films at each theater.

Kung Fu Hustle 9:50 PM at Ritz at the Bourse

My expectations for this movie were about as high as could be for a kung fu movie. I'm a huge fan of not only Jackie Chan and Jet Li, but the recent "artistic" chop sockey's like Crouching Tiger, Hero and House of Flying Daggers (alright maybe not Daggers). The trailer for this movie made it look like Snatch meets Kill Bill meets Dogville, but instead it's Naked Gun with karate. And I'm not a fan of movies that are over the top with slapstick and sight gags. The special effects were hokey, as I've mentioned many times on this here blog, I'm not into making shit look like cartoons. What this movie did do by accident was reaffirm my love for Jackie Chan. You may not get much plot, but at least his action is real. If I want to see Mummy shit, I'll rent Mummy. If I want to see fight scenes where people are clearly on wires, I'll rent Crouching Tiger. I could go on and on, like this movie and it's rambling and confusing plot, but I'll just say that I wish my last experience at the Ritz was a better one.


Layer Cake 4:30 PM at the Bala

You may have heard about this one. It's directed by the guy who produced Guy Ritchie's movies, back when Guy made movies that didn't suck. Oh wait, this guy produced Swept Away too. Oops. Anyway, it's kind of the same British look at the underbelly of gangster life but minus all the clever and funny Guy Ritchie parts. It's more subdued and noir than flashy and coy, and I'm partial to the flash and witty dialogue. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy this flick. Very well crafted, strong actors, good use of music....just not all that exciting. The cliche of "one last job before I retire" is fucking done. Please find another set up, but I will admit some of the triple crosses keep you guessing which is always nice. I hate movies that you can figure out in 10 minutes and it becomes an exercise just to get through 90 more minutes.

Already Gone

I'm sitting at home, doing laundry today, and I started to think about the reality of my timeline. I'm literally gone already considering that when I'm not down in South Carolina working, I'm working here. And if I'm not working, I'm doing something either related to family or to moving. It's beginning to sink in and make me somewhat unnerved.

I just got word that I'm needed from June 19-24 to help with training down in SC, further limiting the time I have to spend here with friends and family. I'm looking forward to spending time with family at my sister's 21st birthday on Saturday night, and then I guess after that I pretty much will be flying back and heading directly to my brother Dan's graduation party on the 24th. And then I head out the following Friday to my final destination of Georgia. Wow. It's coming to a quick close...

Celebrity Endorsements 2020

I was thinking today while watching Judge Shows, how there a ton of commericals featuring washed up actors/actresses pitching medicaid, life insurance and diabetes testing supplies to old folks who are retired and most likely watching TV during the day. Lou Rawls wants you to get "quality life insurance", Delta Burke and Wilford Brimley are pushing the testing supplies from Liberty Medical, Bernie Koppel from the Love Boat is shilling some prescription plan for old heads, it's a circus out there.

Considering that these has beens are all over the TV in 2005 ptiching products to the senior set, I was thinking about what the future holds for us when we hit 50-60 years of age. Who will be hawking old people junk to us on the tube? Okay, we have Lou Rawls now, so maybe we'll get R. Kelly to inform us of our life insurance options in the future. Kellie Martin or the girl from 7th Heaven that isn't Jessica Beil can push diabetes supplies. Maybe Dawson Leary's Dad could help out with that. Data from Star Trek the New Generation will inform us about prescription plans. Can you see it?

Cinema Palooza!!

Ah, the joys of hotel life. Since finding an apartment went rather smooth in GA, I turned my attention to other pursuits the last couple of days. Namely, renting movies in my hotel room and even venturing to the theater once I signed my lease. And naturally after a day of travel today, that included a 7 AM wake up call, a car ride back to Columbia, SC and then a 2 hour flight delay, I turned my attention to my neglected Netflixes that had been waiting for me to return. Here's my assessment of what I've watched over the last 48 hours or so.

Night #1 in hotel - National Treasure

Where else could I have seen this hunk of shit without being completely ashamed and embarrassed? I'm in a shitty hotel in Georgia on a Thursday night digesting my Waffle House dinner and looking for some mindless entertainment...enter Nic Cage in a horrible hair piece to brighten up my night. Now the problems with this film are too far to name, but let's look at sheer geography for starters. There's a critical chase sequence that takes place in my fair city of Philadelphia and the characters are all over the fucking place like the Reading Terminal Market is in Old City and the Liberty Bell is near City Hall. Come on now. My work place was even featured prominently in the movie when Nic and his band of treasure hunters need to change garb. Again, I hate to knit pick, but if you are featuring Urban Outfitters in Philly in a movie, why not actually film the scene in the Philly UO instead of the one in whatever city this movie was really filmed in. What is even more disturbing is that the movie was filmed in Philly, just not that scene at Urban Outfitters??? Wait a second, I'm trying to make sense of what these filmmakers were doing when in fact the movie centers around a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence that leads to buried treasure. Forgive me. This is Disney drivel that is trying way to hard to be Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Post Lease Signing - Crash

Possibly the best drama I've seen in 2005. Very strong script revolving around racism in all it's many forms, with a very talented cast. The guy who wrote Million Dollar Baby is behind this directing his own script with some on screen and off screen help from Don Cheadle (slowly becoming a powerful Hollywood player) as an actor/executive producer. Matt Dillon gives a very understated performance as a racist cop who is caring for his elderly father. Sandra Bullock plays against type as a WASPy bigot married to Los Angeles DA Brendan Fraser (who didn't annoy me at all....shocking!). But the strongest performances come from the faces you may not recognize in this one. The Hispanic locksmith, the Persian shop owner, the TV director and his wife...this is a great ensemble piece in the tradition of Altman's Short Cuts. The script is drenched in authenticity without becoming overly preachy. All the characters flaws are on display, and redemption comes for some, but not for others. A real winner of a movie.

Night in hotel #2 - Assault on Precinct 13

I've an Ethan Hawke fan, as I've probably mentioned in the past, but even good actors take what is referred to as a paycheck picture in the movie business. This mess is a remake of a movie, apparently. I can't seem to figure out what was so great about it that it screamed to be remade, but oh well, it was better than National Fucking Treasure. Larry Fishburn plays a mob guy who teams up with some crooked cops....wait a second, who fucking cares? This movie was shit. Drea D'Matteo from Sopranos I'm convinced is a tranny, and Maria Bello who has a pretty busted body (see The Cooler) loves to flaunt her tiny breasts to ad nauseum in this movie. The action was yadda, yadda, paint by numbers....and Ethan looked bored as hell.

Tonight - Netflix presents Overnight

Really good documentary about the writer/director of the cult favorite Boondock Saints and his rise (not quite) and fall in Hollywood. The back story on this guy is incredible, Harvey Weinstein fronts him 300K, allows him direct his own script, buys him a bar and even helps the guy's band get signed to a record contract and then it all goes horribly wrong. This should be shown in every film class in the country so that these egomaniacal pricks about the roll out to Hollywood can see what they really look like. The dude is a 100% asshole with a GOD complex and it's riveting to see how many guys he has under his power. He's preaching the word of fame, money, the future....it's nuts....and eventually things break down. My only complaint is that no one really stood up to him, or at least it wasn't captured on film anyway, the way that you want it to happen. Very engrossing look at the evil side of Hollywood.

Hit Me Baby One More Time

This has got be the most evil and horribly executed reality TV show I have ever laid eyes on. Much like a car crash, I was unable to avert my eyes. Even when Flock of Seagulls (well, one pathetic, puffy and barely recognizable Seagull anyway) was covering Ryan Cabbrera; I couldn't look away. Of the acts that were officially "bands" I'm not sure any had more than 3 original members performing like seals for a completely paid studio audience and overly enthusiastic and annoying Aussie (?) giant named Vern who was the "host" of this trainwreck.

I can say that I must thank Tiffany, she of mall singing fame, who did help me coin what I think is a relatively unheard of term I am now copyrighting. Tiffany looked like a MILNTF, Mom I'd Like Not To Fuck, with her jumbo boobs resting atop of her 40 inch waistline and her nasally, whining voice. The bitch had the audacity to butcher Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway. if I was there, I would have stabbed her in the boob. Apparently there are 2 more episodes on tap featuring some more artists in need of ridicule like Tommy Tutone and Haddaway. NBC is fucking lost man. Friends! Frasier! Someone help!

I'm an Urban Outfitter!

Once I touched down on Thursday evening into Columbia, SC, I rented a crazy sharp blue Pontiac Sunfire 2-door to make the journey to Augusta, GA. The hotel I was booked at was the very same one I stayed out the last time I visited the area to determine if I could live here. I was pleased to find out that Columbia, SC was a very quick drive (an hour) from Augusta since not many bands pass through the Augusta area anymore. Since I was starved and the hotel is located just steps from one of the half a million Waffle Houses in the area, I figured "why not?" A little Smothered and Covered never hurt nobody. Did it? In any case, I grabbed an Augusta Chronicle to scour the classifieds for apartments during my meal and right there on the front page was a little blurb about my company moving to the area. I turned to the business section and came across a front page story detailing the ribbon cutting ceremony that took place on Wednesday at the new facility with a picture of my old friend the governor of South Carolina. Come to think of it, I am pretty sure I never did blog about my last trip down to the SC/GA area in great detail. Let's just say that I rode down on a very tiny plane on loan from the Governor and was wined and dined enough to say yes to the prospect of moving. (Clearly) The reason I mention this now is that the story about the ribbon cutting event started off with a couple quotes from the Governor and it appears that my compatriots and I made quite an impression on that old Southern Boy....

100% Fit to be an Outfitter

Web posted Thursday, June 2, 2005
By Betsy Gilliland | South Carolina Bureau
TRENTON, S.C. - Several months ago, Gov. Mark Sanford saw the most oddly dressed group of people he had ever seen at Aiken Municipal Airport. Little did he know that he was getting his first glimpse of his new neighbors.

The young people, sporting tie-dyed skirts, crocheted vests and multiple body piercings, were the advance team for Urban Outfitters, a Pennsylvania specialty clothing and accessory company that announced in May that it was moving to Trenton.

"It is stuff that I would never buy and my wife would never wear," Mr. Sanford told about 200 people at a ribbon-cutting ceremony Wednesday. "And it hits me how great that is. ... There is a whole big and growing market of folks who do and who will.

I've linked the entire story to this post so that should you wish to learn more, you can. What I find funny overall is the amount of inaccuracies contained in the story, especially relating to our encounter with the Governor. No one was wearing tie-dye or a vest, but I guess these were the closest items the Gov could think of to describe our style of dress in the wackiest possible way. I'm not going to lie, Joolie does have some peircings, but the horror tattooes that cover her arms completely and the tats on her neck should have at least got a mention. Mr. Sanford also must not realize that Urban Oufitters is the company behind Anthropologie, a store that I'm sure his wife shops at. But again, to make us seem like crazy Yankees, this kind of zany quote plays better for the locals I'm sure. The state of journalism in this region is severly lacking, but I guess I shouldn't complain too much since I use my degree in Journalism to assist women with their clothing and accessory needs.

My New Apartment

I'm so fucking sick that I am currently in a Fedex Kinko's paying for the internet to blog this shit. Let me tell you, now that I have an apartment here in Augusta, GA there isn't much to do until my flight leaves tomorrow morning....and the hotel is beat. Anyway, back to the apartment situation.

I hooked up with this really cool chick Tiffany at this realty company run by a Yankee from New England. The realty company shares office space with the Democratic Party's headquarters in downtown Augusta, so there is some Blue in this here Red State. Two houses down, in the heart of the city (which means within walking distance to all the night life options this town has to offer), my realtor is in the process of restoring this old mansion place. Eventually it will be 7 fully rented apartments of varying size. I managed to grab #4, a 2nd floor, 2 Bedroom/2 Bathroom unit that is divine despite it's unique layout. All I can say is claw foot tubs are hot looking. Now the price was a bit more than I want to spend, but the accommodating Democrat landlord threw in a washer and dryer for free to secure me as the next tenant. So I'm now paying $695 for a nice two bedroom located in the heart of Augusta. The spare room will be up and running for all visitors...so book your slot early. If shit gets bad, I'll grab a roommate is how I'm justifying it. Plus my dollar goes real far in this place. $6 movies, $1 PBR's all the time, internet/cable/phone bundled for $60 a month...why not splurge a little on my digs, right?

I have much more to tell about this little journey down south...trailer parks, bad TV, horrible newpapers, etc. It will all be revealed. Hang on tight.

The Move Report

This installment of Skip moves to a God forsaken Red State is sponsored by an illegal download of the new Coldplay album X&Y which is yummy as all hell. The same cannot be said for the move situation. In fact it's giving me indigestion. A lot of indigestion.

So as of today I haven't heard from the so-called realtor that was appointed by my "relocation expert" to assist me with finding an apartment in the Augusta, Georgia area. I kind of sensed that shit wasn't going to go well when I spoke with this woman once about 4 weeks ago and she indicated that she wasn't all that familiar with the loft apartment scene in the area. In fact, she had me email her all the links I had come up with on my own online. She never did reply to that email....oh well, as usual I digress.

I wouldn't be that worried about not hearing from her, but since I'm heading down to the Augusta area TOMORROW, I guess you could say that I kind of expected to hear a little something from her by now. Wait, that's a lie. My friend Joolie, who is also moving down and is at this moment wandering around Augusta trying to find a place on her own, gave me a head's up last week that she talked with our "realtor" (apparently we were assigned the same lady) who seemed completely unaware that she was looking to rent as opposed to own. Our realtor then pawned Joolie off onto another realtor who deals with "rentals" who unfortunately wasn't available the times that Joolie was in the area. What a joke! I'm already looking to skull fuck these Southern Belles in slacks and vests who call themselves realtors. Face it bitch you are a wife. Not a realtor. If you were, you would fucking hustle for clients. Did that come off as too angry?

So here I am, spending Memorial Day weekend attempting to contact realtors and apartment complexes on my own a few days shy of rolling into a new town where I know nothing and absolutely MUST find a place to live. I only have this one shot to find a place, otherwise I'm either living in a hotel with all my shit in storage or I'm staying put here in Filthly with no job. Who is around Memorial Day weekend for me to contact you ask? Well, nobody. At this point, I have basically two leads on places and Joolie in the trenches calling me each day with a progress report on her findings. After her first day, my voicemail went something like this....

"I can't find shit for under $600 anywhere and I can't reach any realtors on the phone. I drove by Aiken which closes at dusk, Augusta looks a little better. I'm going to die down here. I just know it. I'm tired and need to go to bed."

Doesn't sound too promising.

So I'm going to need all of you lot to suck it up and talk to God for me. Ask him to help me find a place. I would ask myself, but he and I aren't really on speaking terms anymore. Thanks for helping me out.