A change in the weather...

Fall is upon us here in Georgia finally. The days are still a sunny 75, but the nights have brought a chill on that has made me sick. I've been steadily rocking my ceiling fans all the while and realized today when I woke up to a scratchy, sore throat that the constant spinning may have made me get sick. So it's Tylenol Sore Throat and bad television for me today. Having worked all weekend, I feel extremely unguilty about calling out today.

The sick does give me some time to think about all the stuff that is going on with me right now. I'm digesting the concept of Joolie seriously dating someone, some would even argue that I'm accepting it rather well. I would love to find fault in the guy, but I just can't. Although I'm scared that this is the situation I've been dreading since I moved here, being slowly pushed out of Joolie's life for someone who is better for her than I am, part of me is willing to have this experience just to see if Joolie is the great friend that I portray her to be all the time. I'm caustioulsy optimistic that we have developed a pretty tight friendship that will survive many ups and downs. I have been down this road before in my life and managed to fuck it up royally on more than one ocassion. Relishing the opportunity to make this time different is something that I want to be strong enough to embrace.

In focusing on my own plight, I am forced to accept the fact that I'm crazy about someone myself. It's not as easy for me as it is for Joolie, but I am more confident in my actions. More so than I have been. I feel that at this time in my life, I am more equipped than ever to deal with any rejection that might head my way. But I'm extremely hopeful/cocky that I will not be rejected if I just continually prove myself. What I think separates me from most guys is that I think about the small things, I outwardly show concern and passion for those that I'm interested in. My only concern is that I'm wasting my time on someone who is too immature. It's funny how the heart works. You can't really control the feelings you possess. Am I setting myself up for the big hurt? Let's hope not. But here's the thing...

Usually I would overthink shit and sabotage something before it begins based on my lack of self esteem or confidence. I've done this over and over again the last few years. Not anymore. I have decided that I am in a sink or swim situation, especially if Joolie finds love and I'm left to my own devices. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not looking to play games. I want to find happiness. And if that means I have to hit some speed bumps along the way, then I'll do it for the good of the fight. I just need to stay the course, keep chipping away and make her mine.