Together Alone

Well, well, well...

80's night will probably become a phrase I use to describe evenings of intense emotions and situations from this point forward. I took last month's night off and went to Atlanta, so it's been 60 days since my last experience and I had forgotten what this event does to me. It's like a werewolf and the full moon. I somehow always seem to go crazy on this one particular night. The rest of the month is as normal as can be.

In any case, I have come to the conclusion that by spending so much time with Joolie that we are both in dire need of getting laid. Let me clarify before you all start reading into this comment. My connection to Joolie is unlike any relationship I've had with a female; and I try extremely hard all the time not to fuck it up. The way I'm molded, I have serious issues with jealousy and self esteem...and to suppress them takes a huge amount of effort on my part. We get along, at least on the surface we do. Underneath it all I sometimes think that she feels a little smothered by me, and rightly so. I fail to make friends and therefore I rely heavily on her for my social outlets here in Augusta. Last night I was slighted by her and reacted like a fucking 2 year old when I showed up at her house a bit tipsy. The rest of the evening we spent drinking and cavorting like two peas in a pod, but I think it is becoming quite clear that neither of us is very happy here even when we are doing fun things together. This is my opinion mind you, and I've been known to be quite wrong on many, many things. I recall at some point, while blindingly drunk, deciding to have some type of heart to heart with her about who know's what and this is usually where I fuck up most of my relationships with people. Alcohol impairs judgment. It's on the label for fuck's sake.

The way I see it, the more time I spend with her and the more I tune out the rest of the world, the more I will intensify my feelings for her, zone in on making her my #1 priority and most likely scare her to the point that she will have to quit her job or frantically move back to PA. Now this would suck royally because I can't imagine my life right now without her in it. Maybe this is the gist of what we discussed last night? Although it may have come out differently from my slurring mouth. Essentially I need to find someone to formulate a relationship with, or fuck if you will, to reduce the pressure I feel like I am putting on Joolie. Or she needs to find some guy to make her happy here, and slowly push me off to the side and help me accept my role in her life as "really great friend." The way things are now, we both seem to be what I call Together Alone a lot. We spend lots of time in our own heads, thinking and worrying about so many aspects of our life and the uncertainty and unpredictability of what lies ahead. It's great that we can rely on each other when we need a lift...again, I'm making assumptions here that Joolie feels the same way in that she appreciates that I care for her. But at the same time we never seem to just both be enjoying ourselves at the same time for very long. I went through some severe funk, as you may recall, and Joolie helped me through it all in her very unique, non-judgmental and reserved way. Now that she is funking out a bit, I feel obliged to return the favor and be a cheerleader, which I'm not certain is working. All I want is for her to be happy here, and for us to be the best friends we can be. Not fucking that up is going to be a real challenge for me, but I just hope she can overlook my oaflike behavior and see that everything I do and say comes from a good place.

Adding to an already odd evening, a girl that I basically cut out of my life a few weeks back charmed me into overlooking her faults and we appear to be working on being friends again. The same reasons I decided to eliminate her from my world are still there (the worthless boyfriend, the shallow relationships with men who view her only as a sex object and the puppy dog face that she uses to get people to give in to her) but since I'm trying to make things work here, I'm not going to focus so much on how fucked up I think she is and just keep up my guard a little.

I have thought long and hard about what went wrong between us and how we arrived at a place where I decided it was necessary to stop speaking to each other. What I came up with is that leaving behind a boyfriend in Philadelphia puts her in a bad place from time to time. I think this chick is basically missing the physical part of her relationship and attempts to gain some of the illusion of it by being touchy feely with me and perhaps I mistake that for a connection that is deeper than it is. I came to the conclusion that in her defense, I cannot imagine what it would be like to make this type of move in my life and have someone that I love be back in my old town and not here with me. We started the evening not having said more than 10 words to each other in weeks and ended it lying in bed discussing all the things that we have been through in the past couple of weeks we weren't speaking. Time heals all wounds I suppose. It's incredibly comforting to have someone just lay there in the dark and talk to me. Even if we are both just filling a void.

The bottom line I suppose it that I prefer Together Alone to plain old fucking useless Alone. I'm back to being grateful that I have some people in my life here that I think are amazing. The women I find myself constantly dancing, drinking, laughing, playing and working with are very special people and I need to remember that instead of always looking for a reason to be a sour puss or the wounded emo bitch. Things could be a lot worse, I could be a hermit with zero friends or blind or unfunny.