Older, Not Exactly Wiser

Fully digesting my new age of 34, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that I feel just as lost as I was when I was 20. I have all these feelings for what seems like the wrong person. I'm in a constant state of not being good enough, and I feel like I should be more or less beyond this nonsense at my age. Over the last few months I've talked about the "get what you give concept" and how I don't quite understand why it doesn't work for me. I perhaps convinced myself, stupidly enough, that somehow I would have this revelation as to why it's not working, but I can safely say now that getting another year older didn't help me come any closer to grasping just why my life usually sucks.

Now I do realize that there is more to life than just finding the right person and falling love. There's TV afterall. The place that feeds the beast and falsely gives me such a sense of hope. And music to sum up all the evil thoughts about love in songs that I was always too lazy to write. And books, art, film...many distractions that have a way of always giving me that faint glimmer of hope. All help me stay the course and keep at it.

Maybe I thought I would wake up this morning and have some idea, some eureka! moment...but I didn't. I got up and drug myself to work and busted my hump devoid of any thought about my situation. Until I get home to the empty apartment and wish that she was here. But she's far from here, she's off somewhere not even concerned with who I am or what I can offer or how I can love her.

I'm tired. I'm old. I'm confused.

Well, this shit is kind of depressing. I had a really amazing weekend and it was one of my better birthdays ever, so how come I'm feeling like crap all of a sudden? God, I wish I fucking knew. The human mind is fascinating...and women, well, just look at the power they yield over a man. It's crazy I tell you. Just plumb crazy.

Eh, tomorrow is another day.