Up To My Ears In Shit

Today began with a nice vomit session on the way to work. The stress of the past couple of weeks has gotten to me and I'm at a bit of a breaking point. What's keeping me together right now is that I am on the verge of having some much needed time off for the holidays. Although I feel secure with my job, as hectic and overwhelming as it can be sometimes, I am experiencing an immense amount of turmoil in my life outside of the job. My confusion over what Jamie and I are up to has been lingering there in the distance as I try to focus on a) slaving away at work during the busiest time of year and b) trying not to fuck up perhaps the beginnings of a great relationship with her.

I've shifted a lot of my attention towards Jamie of late and as happy as it makes me, sometimes it feels like I'm the only one actually interested in anything beyond the moment. We have great times together, but eventually situations occur that make me very confused about her ability to contribute to a relationship with me. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, considering that she is coming off a tumultuous relationship, rather a few in a row, and I don't want to push her too hard. To be honest, I am the kind of person who desires so much to be loved that I'm trying not to rock the boat too much on the glimmer of hope that this shit works out for us. And this could be a mistake that I regret for a long time or it could be a very wise decision. The not knowing which it is right now is killing me.

Right now I am experiencing chest pains. Wow. This is awesome.

So much uncertainity is a bitch. And most likely the cause of said chest pains. Is this the work of my overactive brain that doesn't allow me to spend a moment enjoying anything in life? Here I am again detailing the misery of my mundane life instead of just putting on some music and going the fuck to bed. Alternating between episodes of Scrubs on DVD and drunken phone calls from my "friend who is a girl but not my girlfriend" after perhaps the shittiest day of work this year has wound me up and is no doubt the cause of my chest pains. Sprinkle in some late breaking news from back in Philly that should make me happy but only makes me sad, and I've got the makings of a shitty week. And it's merely Tuesday.

Where am I going? What am I doing? Why can't this shit just be easy? I'm a good fucking person, I do everything right. I am always here when I'm needed, fully supportive, 24-7. Why can't I just be rewarded with some fucking normalcy? Why can't I just win on ocassion? At this point I feel like my trip home will be a real test for me, a crossroads if you will. As much as I would love to come home and spout off that I've fallen in love with a super, amazing girl, I don't want to do it unless I feel like this is real. I've been a sucker too many times in my life, and I don't want to go there again.

I've had a crappy day. And maybe I'm not in the best mind set to be dealing with any of this right now. Perhaps I should go to bed, close my eyes and imagine that everything is okay. Maybe I'm just scared about a lot of things and it's making me think too much. Whatever the case is, I don't see me sorting anything out this evening...