Pervert Quiz

Clearly I did poorly on this quiz....

Deleriously Bored

Things on my desk right now:

$12
nail clippers
a middle finger notepad
cell phone
2 Ron Burgundy temporary tattoos
Windex
soiled napkin
1 imodium tablet
negatives and rolls of undeveloped film
4 eyeglass holders
my ITrip
ticket stubs to aforementioned Harold and Kumar and Garden State
pens
muppets mousepad
a teletubby doll
2 rocks from the pacific ocean beach in Cali
lots of bills and shit I should be filing or paying right now

Shaun of the Dead

I saw a preview for this movie...what an odd premise. It's a british zombie comedy? I guess the whole 28 Days Later phenom inspired some of those wacky brits to come up with this gem?!!? I did see the receptionist from the Office in the trailer, so perhaps this has promise? Click the title and see what you think...

Pearl Jam May Record A New CD

NEW YORK (Billboard) - After Pearl Jam reassembles in early October for its first live shows in nearly a year, the Seattle rock outfit will get busy on its eighth studio album.

Who fucking cares? These guys haven't been relevant in like 10 years. Eat shit Pearl Jam.

New Jersey

So I made it a double feature on my day off today. Tomorrow I am going to a warehouse to count clothes in boxes (don't ask), so I figured I'd make the best of this day. I love the inside of theater. No one knows me, no one talks to me. It's awesome. Anyway, ironically enough I went to see Garden State and Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle in New Jersey. This is ironic because both movies take place in NJ, the latter of which ends in good old Cherry Hill, where I was partaking in this cinema double shot. The Loews in Cherry Hill ain't too shabby by the way. Not very 2 for 1 friendly, but clean, reasonably priced concessions and they show some art flicks on ocassion.

But I digress...

Garden State is that rare gem that comes along only so often. I loved it from start to finish. It's like a chick flick for guys. You know the type, Beautiful Girls or Life Is A House. It's the kind of movie that I'm not sure girls will appreciate, but it's definitely better than 90% of the shit that comes to a theater near you. Soundtrack was dope, performances strong, great balance of drama and comedy. Go fucking see it.

Now Harold and Kumar on the other hand...Ugh. If you liked Dude Where's My Car and Half Baked, go see this hunk of crap. I'm not a real fan of stoner humor, but I started hearing people I respect say this movie was funny as hell. (I know better now...) Everything was obvious funny, not clever funny. Stick to Road Trip, even the pot humor in that movie is funnier than this one. Although I did think the scenes involving Kumar marrying a giant bag of weed was priceless. The rest was just pointless. You live, you learn.

P.S. This rarely happens, but every single preview before Garden State looked good. Sideways from Alexander Payne (Election, About Schmidt, etc.) looks tight. I was dreading Finding Neverland, another Peter Pan movie, but it looks decent and Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet are both swell actors. Even Motorcycle Diaries looks interesting.

Counterstrike Support Call

I don't know if I find this funny because I take these types of calls at work or because I know grown men who play games like this and can just imagine that Andrew is an alias for one of them.

Hungover

Got in from stripper insanity @ 4 AM, up at 11 AM and in work by Noon. Lager farts, topsy turvy stomach, beer sweats, the whole nine. Right now I'm sitting in air conditioning watching the TV and trying not to use my brain because it hurts. Congrats Matt! Your bachelor party was the bomb! And now I must shit mud...

Boobie Khan

There is no feeling like licking whipped cream off a stripper's landing strip. Like always, I was looking for a girl I knew to be working there, no luck.

How Far Will A Man Go To See Strippers?

Let's put it this way. I am about to head out to work from 3 PM - Midnight tonight. I get to come home, place my head on the pillow, get back up at 6:30 AM to head back to work so I can get out tomorrow at 4 PM. Why? Because I'm going to DayDreams tomorrow night to watch naked ladies giggle. It's my buddy The Blank's bachelor party, and since I am unable to attend this wedding in Colorado next month, I have to make a strong showing for him. Yeah, that's it...I'm only going to be a good friend. The boobs are just an extra. Like ketchup.

Real Time with Bill Maher

Do you watch this show? Well, you should. It's a very entertaining talk show about politics. This week's guests were Michael Moore, Kim Campbell (Former Prime Minister of Canada) and some asshole Republican Congressman who walked off the show during Bill Maher's hilarious "New Rules" segment. And oh yeah, Ralph Nader was on and both Bill amd Michael Moore got on there knees and begged him not to run for President.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that Michael Moore said something interesting about the polls we keep seeing that show Kerry and Bush as neck and neck for November 2nd. Moore says that the formula that media outlets use to conduct the polls are no longer an accurate barometer because they only poll would be voters based on those who have voted in the past. This election will dramatically different due to 911, both the event and the movie. Tons of people who never voted are fired up about politics. The youth of America is going to make a play in this election and I for one am excited to see so many people taking an interest in the direction we go as a country. Is Kerry the messiah? Hell no. But he ain't Bush. First things first people....let's get Bush out and then stay on Kerry's dick like herpes.

Kerry/Edwards 2004!

XXX brown bunny XXX

Community leaders in Los Angeles are fuming after a giant poster was erected in Hollywood showing Chloe Sevigny performing oral sex on Brown Bunny co-star Vincent Gallo. The 60 foot poster has appeared on Sunset Boulevard next to the exclusive Chateau Marmont Hotel - to advertise the controversial film which stunned viewers at this year's Cannes Film Festival and will hit limited cinemas in America this month. But local activists have threatened to tear the raunchy hording down. The movie has provoked outrage because it features a graphic ten minute scene in which Sevigny actually performs fellatio on Brown Bunny director Gallo. But Sevigny recently defended the film's use of graphic sex: "There are a lot of misconceptions about the film. Most of the people who have been writing about it haven't even seen the film. When people do see it, they will realize that the sex in the movie is not in any way gratuitous, that is a truly heartbreaking movie. I am proud of it."

What kind of mind control does Vincent Gallo use? To be honest though, I was convinced that Casper was really fucking Chloe in the movie KIDS. Maybe I was right?

Revenge is PRICELESS

I know this link is like a hundred years old, but it's quite enjoyable. Click away perverts!

The Power of Flash Animation

Teen Movie Slut of the Week

Thora Birch and her Friends
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Thora Birch starred in many dumb movies as a child. Monkey Trouble with Keitel, All I Want For Christmas, Hocus Pocus are all movies that I haven't seen, and since she wasn't a teen when they were made it would be creepy for me to even comment on this section of her body of work. It wasn't until she stole the show as one of the 12 year old girls in Now and Then that Thora began to be noticed as a seriously talented actress. Her character name was ironically enough, Tina "Teeney" Turcell in Now and Then. Little did anyone know at the time that soon after the release of this movie, her career as a child actor would come screeching to a halt due to her development of Size DD boobs.

Which gets us to the heart of the matter. Thora was swell in the finely acted and Academy Award winning American Beauty. Not only did she bang some weirdo who loves floating plastic bags, she flashed those gigantic meat balloons of her's for the world to see. Good bless her parents for signing consent, as Thora was only 16 when this scene was filmed. Oh my! (Sidenote: Mena Suvari trying to get Mr. Spacey up in her was kind of cool too.)

In 2000, Thora played the graphic novel character Enid in Ghost World. This movie is significant for a couple reasons. One, Buscemi is super as a nerdy record collector. Two, without nudity and despite changing hair colors, Thora manages to look like a hot chubby girl with problems. Finally, we are introduced to another babe actress by the name of Scarlett Johanson who plays Enid's best friend.

Of course, I was convinced after seeing Thora in both American Beauty and Ghost World that she was going to become a very strong leading lady a la Scarlett has, but this wasn't the case. I think Thora messed up by playing a significat role in Dungeons and Dragons the movie. (Ugh.) You know what I say. Whip them out Thora and get back your career!

Downer

I was feeling good today. Got my new glasses, ate a hearty breakfast a Denny's, read the Philly Weekly and took a long drive. And then I got online and whammo! an instant message from someone that I was not eager to speak to. What is it about girls who fuck you over and then constantly crave forgiveness? Isn't life too short to keep going backwards and trying to sop up some mess you made? You dicked me over! I dealt with, I'm over it. Don't keep trying to get me to be your friend. Here's how the male's mind works.

You rejected me.
I hate you.
You want to be friends.
I can easily reconsider hating you and go back to thinking about fucking you.
(Stay strong dude...)
No, I hate you.

It's simple people. When you find someone that you think has all the qualities that you want in a partner, you do stupid shit. It's better to go out, drink your face off, make sure she did too and lay a smacker on her lips. No fucking waltzing around shit. No pining. This ain't a Shakespeare play, it's a game. Romance and honesty are dead. It's about small talk and flirting.

I'm cool with this person reaching out to me. It's just that now I'm in a lousy mood. I don't get off on telling people that they just weren't the person I thought they were. I don't like causing people pain. I wish I could be friends again. I'm just a weakling...a coward. I'd rather put up a fence than eat shit stew. If I'm your friend again, you win. Not only did I make an ass out of myself, but now I get to be your buddy! A friend with no benefits! You can tell me about your latest crush, or which emo band you are listening to these days! And I get to constantly remember how I felt on the day I opened my mouth every time I look at you or see your messages pop up on my Mac or hear your screeching laugh. I'm weak. And now I'm down. Again.

Reality Television Whore

My Tuesday night consisted of watching Big Brother, Amazing Race, a taped episode of Trading Spouses on FOX and then I popped in the second disc of the first season of The Joe Schmo Show. (I never watched Spike TV, so I missed this one when it was on...) I'm exhausted right now, but I don't have work until 3 PM and I just fucking love television. I'm so glad I volunteered to write a column about reality TV for a new website that is launching in October. I needed an excuse (or justification?) to watch more television.

Time for bed. Tomorrow I get new shades from America's Best. I'll be rocking like Dokken!

Doppelganger

I forgot to mention this tasty tid bit from Illinois. Some fucking loser Cub fan walking past me outside the game yelled in my face the following: "Hey Michael Moore!" I was thinking to myself, do I where my politics on my sleeve or what? Did this jack off think that I would be offended? I hadn't shaved in a couple days, so I guess I brought it on myself. The stunning part of this exchange was that the tool bag was holding some chick's hand while he berated me. Even a fucking loser like that has a girlfriend. Pathetic.

From the Desk of Rivers

O'Reilly....watch your ass!

Starting Sept. 7, Sundance will package the best of Al Franken's three-hour weekday radio program into a one-hour telecast of highlights that will air at 11:30 p.m. the same night, with repeats at 2:30 a.m. and 7 a.m. the next morning.

Nice.

Home Sweet Hell.

I'm back from Chicago. Things I want to talk about (and some I don't.):

1. Phillies lost 2 of 3. This sucks. To add insult to injury, they lost on Sunday and Maddox didn't win his 300th game. Seeing that feat might have taken the edge off the loss.

2. I shared a full size bed (Lenox Suites claims it was Queen Size) with a grown man. And he attempted to cuddle with me one night while he was asleep.

3. I ate like a king at ESPN Zone across the street from my hotel and pulled the old Dine and Dash. (I was drunk obviously...)

4. Saw that black dude from the Practice outside my hotel.

5. Drank a malt liquor/energy drink called Sparks that a co-worker of mine has raved about for weeks. It was quite delicious...thanks for the tip Joolie.

6. Found a 40+ Midwestern woman mildly attractive while the Phils were leading on Friday.

7. Found same woman unbearably annoying once Phils were losing on Friday.

8. Watched Myers and the Weasel get schooled in pool by 2 dykes.

9. Saw the Village shitfaced. Not sure if I liked it. At one point I was snoring so loud Myers had to smack me to wake me up. Apparently I was disturbing the audience from waiting for what M. Night will do next. That crazy Indian has done it again.

10. Didn't shit myself or throw up at any point. God I'm good.