Dammit All To Hell

Having off from work has it's perks, like no work for instance, but apparently it has it's downsides as well. Let me give you an example. I was off for 4 days and returned to work at 4 PM yesterday only to find out that I was officially put back on the schedule for New Year's Eve, a day that we were closed and that we are now open. Apparently we are also open on New Year's Day so I guess it could be worse. What I don't like is how this little plan was hatched on Monday and I found on when I got in the office on Wednesday. Did anyone ever hear of a phone? What if I was going out of town? I do have on until the 4th of January, so it wouldn't be preposterous that I was leaving town.

Well this little snafu seals the deal that I am definitely not going away for new year's. My choices are narrowing down and I guess at some point I'll have to decide what to do. Since I'm about to go to work until 10 PM tonight and I'm back in at 10 AM tomorrow morning, I guess I won't be making said decision until the last fucking minute.

Things are also looking dreadful on the living front. My lease is up in 32 days and the dream of living in Brother Mike's new house are falling apart. Mainly due to the fact that there is no new house to live in. I have to consider renting, the financially aspect of that and whether or not I want to live with people. I also have a car which plays a role in where I can go. I forgot how much I dislike moving. I'm so unprepared. FUCK!

And....We're Back

I kind of took some time off from yapping about my daily grind and instead tried to enjoy my time off from work. A quick recap of the last 48 hours of my life goes something like this:

Watched the Door in the Floor on Sunday night. Ugh. Dreadful. Usually I like John Irving stories (Garp, Cider House, Simon Birch) but this one was just sad. Jeff Bridges is better than the material that's for sure.

Monday I went shopping. Got a pair of jeans at Old Navy for cheap. Got a hoodie that makes me look like a piece of sausage the way it encases me. But it was $13. Quite a deal even if it doesn't fit. Subsequently I wore the jeans I bought and went on to Old Navy dot com and bought 3 more pairs of pants that should come shortly in the mail. I have been rocking the same two pairs of pants since about April and they are about to fall off me, so this purchase of pants is long overdue. Slid over to Best Buy after the Old Navy purchase and tried to eye up something to get with my $150 in gift cards. I decided to hold off until I find a new place to live to see if I will need any appliances, namely a microwave. Instead I grabbed a 10 pack of CD-R's for $8 and made several impulsive buys near the register of movies that I think I like. Or at least I remember liking them...and they were all $6.00...and I used a gift card, so back off. The Gauntlet by Clint Eastwood, Best Laid Plans, the original Night of the Living Dead and Logan's Run. Knowing me, I will never actually view these DVDs, it's all about the ownership. I have quite a few movies that I have yet to watch that I have owned for years. It's amazing how they put shit up by the register that just begs to be purchased.

Monday night I went to see Life Aquatic with a couple friends. I think we were all in agreement that it was good, but not Wes Anderson's best work. I laughed, but not enough. I loved the look and the cast, it's just I was hopping for a quicker pace and more comedy. In any case, it was nice to go out as a group and I got to see some people I haven't seen in a while.

Monday night (continued) we watched the Eagles get whooped on Monday Night Football, drank some beers and played the What the Fuck drinking game for the second time. Listened to the really good Wicker Park soundtrack in the background.

Today I went to the mall with my sister Candace. I had gotten a watch that didn't fit my meaty wrist for XMAS from my stepfather and had to exchange it. I managed to get a watch I like, that fits and a credit of $16.00 that I could give my stepfather. Nice job! My sister had shit to return to Lane Bryant which is a creepy store. Lots of big bras and panties and pastels. On our way out of the mall, I couldn't help myself and "had" to stop in Bath and Body Works. I told myself I was just going to grab a loofa...$32 later I wound up with enough products for people to question my sexuality. I have always maintained the philosophy that if you can't get a girl to share your bed, at least you can make it smell like you do. I'm a sucker for body splash, fancy soaps, candles, all things fem. It's kind of sad actually.

Tomorrow I return to work. Yikes. Thankfully it's only for 2 days and then I'm off again for a few days. I still have no idea what I am doing for New Year's Eve and frankly I don't care all that much. I think it's a highly overrated holiday. I'm sure something will come up and I'll manage to enjoy it. Go with the flow...

Unwrapped

Ah, XMAS. It's over. This one is in the can and no one seems to have been hurt by the making of it. This is quite a feat for my family. Usually a fight or two develops that forces us all to choose sides or at the very least belittle the participant on the opposite side of ours to death. Not this year. Apparently my brothers sat down my stepfather the eve before the eve and put some sense in his ear. Flashback: this past Thanksgiving a fist fight almost broke out between my stepfather and his younger sister, my aunt. This was five minutes into the holiday dinner. I think everyone was bracing for a repeat performance...

Alas, no such luck. Everyone behaved themselves almost to the point of boredom. At various points, I was on the verge of throwing a fit just to spice things up a bit. My family has a nasty habit of not telling me what the plans for the holiday are and this year I was shocked to find out on XMAS Eve that we were not having dinner at my Grandmother's house on XMAS Day which is customary. Instead we were eating the XMAS meal at my stepfather's wife's sister's house. Now of course, my Grandmother played on the fact that I'm out of the loop and threw in her offer to eat at her house on XMAS morning more or less to try and piss off my stepfather's wife. Considering that both parties didn't decide to call me ahead of time and invite me anywhere, I was tempted to just not go anywhere and head home to eat tuna from a can by myself. But then I realized that this behavior isn't new, I haven't been invited anywhere from my family in so long that it has become "the way."

XMAS Eve was the pollyanna unveiling amongst my siblings. Everyone agreed this year that we MUST go back to picking names from a hat around Thanksgiving because the "grab bag" method just blows. Nobody understands the rules and some of the gifts were geared too much toward a particular gender which is no one's fault. In any case, I escaped with a Best Buy card for $50....and put forth a Target card for the same that Brother Mike swallowed up. The rest of the night consisted of seeing old faces from the neighborhood that pop in this one time a year to visit and a quick stop over at my roommate's parent's house down the block.

XMAS morning is was low key. I arrived late enough to miss the little kids tearing apart their presents. (I have a sister that is 2 and Brother Mike who lives at the old childhood home has that little stud Mikey.) But made it in time to take part in the feast we call breakfast. I got to open my gifts and then we watched Elf before dinner at the aforementioned stepfather's wife's sister's house. I love Elf as the new staple of XMAS. Move over A Christmas Story...

Dinner was brief, we rolled out as soon as our plates were empty to make an appearance at Granny's house before we hit up a movie at the suburbian multiplex. Our selection this year was Spanglish which is a great movie for a 13 year old girl. I'm not saying it was bad, but it was like Stella or My Girl....a mixture of comedy, drama and pre-teen subplots that are just hard for me to relate to. Paz Vega was hot, Tea Leoni was good as a bitch and Adam Sandler proved he can act in something that doesn't require a baby voice. It was a compromise since my sisters (3 of them between 19-20) just don't get Wes Anderson. I have no choice but to check out Life Aquatic over the next 3 days while I'm off from work. The important thing was that we made it to the movie this holiday...our tradition is back on track.

A recap of my XMAS gifts:

1. $190 cash
2. $100 to Best Buy
3. King of Queens Season 1 on DVD
4. $50 to Regal Cinema
5. 2 Shirts and a watch
6. $50 to Best Buy
7. David Sedaris' latest book
8. Eternal Sunshine on DVD
9. A Wine Tasting Guide
10. Discovered Covered by the Late Great Daniel Johnston
11. $25 to AMC Cinema
12. Wilco: A Ghost is Born
13. Elvis Costello: Almost Blue Enhanced CD

I'm sure there will be some more gifts trickling in over the next couple days. But I'm pretty satisfied with my lot. Giving is the fun part, getting them is gravy in my opinion.

Oh well. It's time to do something for me today. I'm done with the family shenanigans for now. I need to relax, unwind and visit with some folks. And do wash. Lots of laundry to do. XMAS is over.

Can't Fake The Funk

And can't shake the sick. I'm back to feeling like hell again today. Stuffy, achy and generally feeling ill. I was pooping liquid at work all yesterday, so I knew something was up. I guess I got a nasty cold/flu/yucky stuff thing that is going to stick around for the xmas joy. After the debacle that was Thanksgiving for my family, I can't wait to see what is going to go down this weekend. I plan on staying on the sidelines. Possibly with a fever.

Went and saw Oceans 12 with Brother Mike today. Hadn't been to a movie with Mike in probably a few years now. Those guys probably had the best time making that movie. It reeked of fun. The plot was thin in spots, but overall I enjoyed it. I like the rapport those guys have with each other. I loved the cameos, the Julie Roberts plot line, the one liners by Scott Caan, Casey Affleck and Eliot Gould. They could have done more with Carl Reiner and Bernie Mac, but with a movie like this you aren't going for character development. You are going for sheer entertainment value. And in that capacity it delivers.

Catherine Zeta Jones is smoking hot. Again. I really don't like her, but man is she pretty. She's like movie star pretty. Julia Roberts is earning new respect for me lately. She looks like shit in this movie, just like she did in Closer. And I like that about her. She's like "fuck it, I'm over this Pretty Woman shit." You gotta respect that.

Tonight is household Pollyanna at the Ridge. I'm looking forward to it. What I'm not looking forward to is working 9-3 tomorrow. I have a feeling it will be non-stop complaint calls from people who were expecting their packages/giftcards before the holiday. I can't recall the last time I got up before 10 AM, so this should be interesting. Guess I'll chug some Nyquil tonight to put me out. I fucking need it. (Cough)

What the hell?

I laughed until I almost cried.

McGlincheys

It has been about 5 years at least since I stepped foot into the old dive bar in the city that I spent every Thursday night of my late teens/early twenties. Since my dear friend Rob was in from San Fran for the holiday and he was along side me for many of those Thursday nights and because I work literally 4 blocks away from it, we decided to take a trip down memory lane at Midnight last night and visit old McGlincheys for a couple brews.

Oh my God how some things never change. The decor is the same as it was 10 years ago. The guy working at the door is an old bike courier who used to be in there drinking like I was back in the day. Houston was bartending still. It was ridiculous how much this place fit like an old tee shirt you find tucked away in your attic. Even the way my clothes reeked of cigarettes when I came home was something I had long forgotten.

I had a couple $1.90 pints of Rolling Rock (a beer you have to drink when you go to McGlincheys) and took a piss in the entirely too small nasty ass bathroom. The lights came on at 2 AM and we got kicked out into the cold where the homeless await you to beg for money and most of the patrons sway to their locked bikes to try and maintian their balance for the short ride home to west or south philly.

Complete and utter nostalgia my friends. Or Deja Vu. In any case, it was really nice and comfortable. And seeing Rob, which happens only once a year these days, was brief but fulfilling. We are such good friends that it is easy to just talk about the good old days, or movies, or our current lives with such ease. His baby sis, Beth, was along for the visit as she has managed to be for the last couple of holiday get togethers. I don't think I know two finer people. A great end to a long day.

Tonya from Real World Chicago?

Holidaze Volume 1

Fake XMAS at my sister's in the god awful state of Jersey is officially a part of history now. I'm still aching from my flu(?) that came upon me on Friday and I spent much of the weekend in a Robitusin stupor, but it all turned out okay. I was happy to see my Dad and as per usual he went a shade overboard on his gift giving. My sister's kids are spoiled rotten to begin with, but Grandpa Joe just adds more fuel to the fire when he shows up with a car load full of toys that make the most unbearable noises. Is a talking bank necessary?

I was happy with my gifts for Dad this year, mainly because I decided against anything golf related. Over the last 10 years I have given a golf related gift to my Dad for every birthday, XMAS and Father's Day. It was time to let my sister be the bearer of golf balls and golf themed goodies. Instead, I turned to DVDs, something he will appreciate when he retires shortly. You can't golf every day. So I got him Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 1, About Schmidt and the complete The Office Series which I think he was happy about. Curb's a no-brainer, who doesn't like Curb? I was a little worried about the Office since he hasn't seen it, but I know he will like it. About Schmidt I know he likes. And as a bonus he saw Sideways last week and was raving about it, so the idea of a different Alexander Payne movie fit in nicely.

Despite having a prearranged agreement that I would get nothing for XMAS due to a loan I took from him for a tax situation I got myself into earlier this year, my Dad opted to get me a couple gifts. That bastard. I wound up with King of Queens Season 1 on DVD (this show is a constant talking point between the two of us as we both see a little of Doug in ourselves), $50 in cold hard cash, $100 Best Buy Gift Card and $50 to Regal Cinemas. Not bad at all. I'll tell you what, that guy is alright.

I was sad to see my dear old Dad's hopes of winning my fantasy football league wash away today. And not just because I know he would have tipped me nicely as comissioner. The man was so into it. I was happy that I was out of the playoffs so I could just sit back and watch the games. The poor guy did nothing but pace for an hour today checking his scores to see how bad he was getting beat by. There's always next year.

I'm Sick

I'm run down to the point that I am officially sick now.

I just came off of two 9 1/2 hours shifts at work in the last 28 hours and all day long my throat was scratchy and I was irritable. I think not having the heat on last night coupled with an ice cold shower at 10:20 AM this morning had something to do with it. I have never been so cold in my life than I was today in that shower.

I was just reading over my latest post about the Globes and noticed a hundred spelling errors. I'm blaming my shitty state of health. What sucks is that I was supposed to hit up a party tonight in Old City that would have been SWANK. And instead I'm sniffling away in my room listening to the latest Wilco CD. I could probably still head down there and force myself through the onslaught of whatever this ailment is, but I have to drive to my sister's house for "fake" XMAS tomorrow with my Dad and I kind of want to be in good spirits.

Fuck it in a bucket.

Golden Globes

The Golden Globes nominations came out this past week and I took the liberty of telling you who will win and a whole lot of other pointless shit about the films and television shows nominated. Mind you I haven't even seen most of these films, but I have a lot to say about a lot, so why should this be any different?

Noms for Best Picture, Drama: "The Aviator," "Closer," "Finding Neverland," "Hotel Rwanda," "Kinsey," "Million Dollar Baby."
Will Win: Finding Neverland

Actress, Drama: Scarlett Johansson, "A Love Song for Bobby Long"; Nicole Kidman, "Birth," Imelda Staunton, "Vera Drake"; Hilary Swank, "Million Dollar Baby"; Uma Thurman, "Kill Bill: Vol. 2."
Will Win: Imelda Staunton. Why? Mike Liegh's films are always wonderfully acted and the foriegn press picks the winner. Imelda is foriegn you know.

Actor, Drama: Javier Bardem, "The Sea Inside"; Don Cheadle, "Hotel Rwanda"; Johnny Depp, "Finding Neverland"; Leonardo DiCaprio, "The Aviator"; Liam Neeson, "Kinsey."
Tough call on this one. Johnny Depp was robbed of an Oscar last year for Pirates, but is his performance stronger than Javier's quadrapalegic? Maybe. I'll take Mr. Depp by a nose.

Picture, Musical or Comedy: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," "The Incredibles," "Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera," "Ray," "Sideways."
Another very tough call. Sideways was such a good movie, but I am in love with Eternal Sunshine. Considering that this category has the fucking Pixar junk in it, I'll go with The Incredibles as a winner. Fucking sad.

Actress, Musical or Comedy: Annette Bening, "Being Julia"; Ashley Judd, "De-Lovely"; Emmy Rossum, "Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera," Kate Winslet, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," Renee Zellweger, "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason."
What garbage. Winslet is amazing, but the Zellwegger can't lose. They love her. (Keep an eye on Bening...)

Actor, Musical or Comedy: Jim Carrey, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"; Jamie Foxx, "Ray"; Paul Giamatti, "Sideways"; Kevin Kline, "De-Lovely"; Kevin Spacey, "Beyond the Sea."
I would have said Jim Carrey hands down until Jamie Foxx showed up in that Ray trailer looking creepily like Mr. Charles and Paul G was given a great lead role finally. In a tight race, I'm going with the breakout performance of Jamie Foxx.

Foreign Language: "The Chorus," France; "House of Flying Daggers," China; "The Motorcycle Diaries," Brazil; "The Sea Inside," Spain; "A Very Long Engagement," France.
Flying Daggers. No doubt.

Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett, "The Aviator"; Laura Linney, "Kinsey"; Virginia Madsen, "Sideways"; Natalie Portman, "Closer"; Meryl Streep, "The Manchurian Candidate."
Portman was a bright spot in Closer for me, but Madsen was resurrected in Sideways. Virginia all the way.

Supporting Actor: David Carradine, "Kill Bill: Vol. 2"; Thomas Haden Church, "Sideways"; Jamie Foxx, "Collateral"; Morgan Freeman, "Million Dollar Baby"; Clive Owen, "Closer."
Foxx has a better chance with Ray than this one. Clive Owen was another bright spot in Closer and was able to go from nice guy, to prick, to down and out flawlessly, but Thomas Haden Church was just too fucking funny not to win this one.

Director: Clint Eastwood, "Million Dollar Baby"; Marc Forster, "Finding Neverland"; Mike Nichols, "Closer"; Alexander Payne, "Sideways"; Martin Scorsese, "The Aviator."
Forster. I don't even know why.

Screenplay: Charlie Kaufman, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"; John Logan, "The Aviator"; David Magee, "Finding Neverland"; Patrick Marber, "Closer"; Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor, "Sideways."
For me, Sunshine and Sideways are a toss up. Kaufman has the edge.

TV

Drama Series: "24," Fox; "Deadwood," HBO; "Lost," ABC; "Nip/Tuck," FX; "The Sopranos," HBO.
Lost is hot right now. I don't watch any of the others, so fuck me.

Actress, Drama Series: Edie Falco, "The Sopranos"; Jennifer Garner, "Alias"; Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit"; Christine Lahti, "Jack & Bobby"; Joely Richardson, "Nip/Tuck."
Jennifer Garner is hot.

Actor, Drama Series: Michael Chiklis, "The Shield"; Denis Leary, "Rescue Me"; Julian McMahon, "Nip/Tuck"; Ian McShane, "Deadwood"; James Spader, "Boston Legal."
Spader is the man. But they love Chiklis and I'm assuming Leary falls into Chiklis status with a nomination from a show no one watches.

Series, Musical or Comedy: "Arrested Development," Fox; "Desperate Housewives," ABC; "Entourage, HBO; "Sex and the City," HBO; "Will & Grace," NBC.
I loved Entourage, but it's only like 10 episodes long. Arrested Development is the funniest show on TV right now. Fuck those Desperate Housewives. I'm already sick of the hype.

Actress, Musical or Comedy: Marcia Cross, "Desperate Housewives"; Teri Hatcher, "Desperate Housewives"; Felicity Huffman, "Desperate Housewives"; Debra Messing, "Will & Grace"; Sarah Jessica Parker, "Sex and the City."
Does it matter? SJP because Sex is over and all those Housewives cancel each other out.

Actor, Musical or Comedy: Jason Bateman, "Arrested Development"; Zach Braff, "Scrubs"; Larry David, "Curb Your Enthusiasm"; Matt LeBlanc, "Joey"; Tony Shalhoub, "Monk"; Charlie Sheen, "Two and a Half Men."
Incredibly hard choice between Larry David and Jason Bateman for me. I think I'll go with Bateman. But Shaloub seems to win like Chiklis for a show that NO ONE WATCHES!

Supporting Actress, Miniseries, Movie or Series: Drea de Matteo, "The Sopranos"; Anjelica Huston, "Iron Jawed Angels"; Nicollette Sheridan, "Desperate Housewives"; Charlize Theron, "The Life and Death of Peter Sellers"; Emily Watson, "The Life and Death of Peter Sellers."
Didn't de Matteo die on Sopranos. If so, she wins.

Supporting Actor, Miniseries, Movie or Series: Sean Hayes, "Will & Grace"; Michael Imperioli, "The Sopranos"; Jeremy Piven, "Entourage"; Oliver Platt, "Huff"; William Shatner, "Boston Legal."
Jeremy Piven and the Shat are both incredible. Make this one a tie. Pretty please.

Sidenote: Horrible Upcoming Movies

I forgot to rant about this the other day when I came home from Finding Neverland. How is it possible that some movies even get made? Don't the people making the movie realize it's a hunk of shit? If the preview can't interest you, then how do they expect the movie to actually make money once it is released?

There is the movie about a dog that smiles that stars Jeff Daniels as a minister and Dave Matthews as I guess himself. It's fucking dreadful looking, schmaltzy, Disney-esque crap. And then there is the fucking Zebra Seasbiscuit jawn with that hot little girl from Remember the Titans (man is she growing up fine....but verging on those ackward teen years of 16-18 as evidenced by the preview for this one....sort of like a female version of Haley Joel Osment in Secondhand Lions.) and Raising Helen. This one features talking animals, including the smart ass flies played by David Spade and that the tall King Of Comedy guy who hosted Showtime at the Apollo. This movie couldn't look worse if it tried. Now don't get me wrong, I do fully understand that these movies are geared towards kids and that I probably am not their target market. It just makes me angry when I know that there is a really good indie that might not get a shot at exposure because a company has invested millions in crap like Racing Stripes or Fucking Dog Smile at the Winn Dixie. A movie like A Very Long Engagement or the Woodsmen should be at every other mulitplex, not National Treasure.

I'm working on handicapping the Golden Globes, so stay tuned for future "the state of cinema" diatribes from me.

Cat and Mouse

Watched Infernal Affairs last night in the wee hours. Pretty cool Japanese movie centered on two moles, one is a cop infiltrating the Triads (Japanese Mafia) and the other is a triad who is a cop. Very intricate plot, clever cat and mouse game between the two operatives who don't know who the other is and are both trying not to get caught. I have been informed that this movie has 2 more chapters, one of which is a prequel that is quite good as well. I'm considering renting the whole series to see how this story develops. One word of warning, Japanese music is awful. It all sounds like that horrible karaoke backing track shit you hear in those Chinatown karaoke bars.

It's Over, or Has It Begun?

A full ten days until the Eve of Christmas and I am done with my shopping. A world record for me. Usually I have at least one or two hold out gifts that I need as the day looms large, but not this year. I probably spent more than I should, and I know I bought for way too many people I shouldn't have, but it's all good. I think everyone will enjoy what I've managed to procure them this year. I have written all my cards (well over 100 this year) and wrapped 90% of the gifts, so now I can go on cruise control and start handing them out.

In other Holly Jolly news, looks like I will be donning a Santa Suit for the ladies at work some time in the near future. The price one must pay for being rotund enough. Since I appear to be in good spirits this year, I guess it's only befitting that I sweat in that red straight jacket for everyone's amusement. I'm sure the kids will be lining up to sit on my lap and tell me what they want from Santa. God help me.

Work is getting hairy. Guess all those last minute shoppers are losing their patience...I'm sure that someone's holiday will be ruined by the likes of me. I have the power to make or break some teenage rich kids life this year and I intend to use it. "I'm sorry, your Ask Yoda doll won't be making it on time....no really I am."

To celebrate my completion of shopping for the holiday, I took in Finding Neverland today. (Ah, AMC giftcards...I love you.) Well, Mr. Depp has done it again, another superb performance. I cried like a little bitch about mid way into it, even though I'm not that big a fan of Peter Pan the story. It's mushy and fantastical, so if you like that type of crap, go see it. I did find it funny that Dustin Hoffman played the producer of JM Barrie's plays in the film and was once Hook in that crappy Robin Williams movie. Hmmm, interesting casting choice I suppose. My only word of warning, don't expect to see Kate Winslet looking her finest. Dumpy and dying she is. (oops....)

Another Gem From The Crucial Brutal Gang

Smooth Sailing

Well, it's another weekend of working the closing shift at work both Saturday and Sunday night. Can't complain since it's been relatively relaxed cosidering it's retail and we're less than 2 weeks from XMAS. When I work until midnight on the weekends I really start to feel detached from the real world. So many people are doing things on their weekend and I'm just going to work like it's Monday morning. Oh well, I'm off this coming weekend and will be celebrating XMAS early with my Dad over in Jersey at my sister's crib. I'm really looking forward to the holidays this year. I have no idea why? This post is utter bullshit and I'm going to end it right now.

Dating and the Modern Man

So tonight I went on a date. It's been years since I have actually gone on a date, so I wasn't sure what to expect, but I'm happy to report that it was fine. Nothing overly romantic, just nice flowing conversation and enjoyable food. Oddly enough, I managed to eat Morrocan food without shitting my pants. (The half bottle of Pepto washing down 2 Imodium on the drive to her place probably helped with that.) The downer was that we chose to see Closer at the Ritz and it was absolute shit. Great actors, great director, horrible movie. Not a likable character in the bunch. Clive Owen has some killer lines however.

It was nice to get back on the dating horse. It went well and I'm happy about that. Good for me.

My Head Just Exploded. (Yeah...that HEAD)

Cheers to Ralph @ CrucialBrutal for posting this.

CONICELLI FUCK YOU!

The other day I got a junk email from the car dealership that I purchased my ECHO from and I decided to send them back a nasty email about their constant bombardment of letters and emails to a guy that they fucked over. I paid for floormats that never came in the mail and it's been over a year. Anyway, read the emails below and laugh hysterically. Now.


Dear Mr. Richard:

I received your e-mail today and I was very upset that you are obviously unhappy with our dealership.  I went back and read your first e-mail that was received on 4-14-04.  I never personally received this e-mail. It went right to the salesperson and I was never given the opportunity to help you.

I am very sorry for any inconvenience you may have experienced. It is very upsetting to receive an e-mail that displays such anger from one of our customers.

We do care very much about our customer and I can assure you that, I can still help, I will. Please let me know what I can do. My email address is lconicelli@conicelliautoplex.com.

Thank you,
UNSIGNED


Dear Mr. Conicelli,

I appreciate the concern, although I am quite skeptical that there is any meaning behind it. I bought a car from Larry Palmer over a year ago. When I bought the car, he said that someone had stolen the floor mats from the car in the lot, but it was no problem...he would have a set sent to my house direct from Toyota.

After waiting about a month, I followed up. After all, I did pay for the mats. It wasn't like I was cut a break for the car missing them or anything. So Larry goes over the instructions he gave to Toyota and apparently he provided an incorrect house number for my address. A case of not being able to read his own handwriting. He left me with the idea that he would take care of getting them re-sent to the proper address lickety split.

Fast forward to the end of another month with no mats arriving. I made calls to Larry that went unanswered. I have emailed. I have mailed letters. You guys send out so much propaganda about how NICE you are...when I first bought the car, I got literally 15 letters from every employee there...but when I send in a letter, or email or make a call...NOTHING. It's sad. I paid for mats, didn't get them. Larry Palmer is an asshole. (Sorry, but he is...and I bet he doens't even work there anymore based on his history which I had to hear about endlessly on my test drive.)

This was my first car purchase on my own at the age of 31. I was gullible and took the Conicelli name to mean something more than it did. What's funny is that when I first came home with my new car and told my Dad about the mats, his words to me were....DID YOU GET IT IN WRITING THAT THEY WOULD SEND YOU A SET? I said no. And he said, YOU'LL NEVER SEE THEM. I thought otherwise. Looks like Father Knows Best afterall.

I honestly don't care what you do about this situation now. I can live without floor mats. But trust me. You'll never see my face again....not for service, not for another car, not if my life depended on it. I constantly warn people to avoid the Conicelli name at all costs, which isn't much, but it's the only leverage I have. You care about customer loyalty and increasing market share....and I'm gonna try what I can to make sure that both are that much harder. One man vs. the Goliath. Oh well. It's all I can do.

Thanks,
Scott Richard
Proud Toyota Echo Owner (minus floormats)
Former Conicelli Customer

What's Worse?

Would you rather be a Columbian Drug Mule or an albino?

I watched Maria Full of Grace late last night and boy was it good. It had the feel of a documentary almost, it was inimate and involving. I particularly liked the realistic nature in which the writer/director explored the concept of a drug mule, especially the realism concerning how the drugs are smuggled. Very gritty shit. Made me think about how I'm happy I don't need to turn to something like being a mule to survive.

I also bought a Smoothie in town yesterday and was assisted by a man who was in his late 30's and albino. I thought about how his life must be so different than mine just because of how he looks. A kid I work with said he used to work at the smoothie place in question and knew the guy. Apparently he is a total Dungeons and Dragons guy, lives for managing the smoothie place and has zero "real" friends. This confirmed my suspicion that being an albino must suck.

Maybe I should eat dinner....

People really know how to spend money. It's odd working in a catalogue/website call center this time of year. Yesterday we took something like 6500 calls, probably 3500 were for orders placed over the phone. It's nuts.

I'm trying to remain positive and upbeat because there ain't no sense in being upset about work. It's going to be busy and ocassionally suck, but oh well. It's a living.

XAMS shopping is plugging along nicely. We picked our household pollyanna last night and I had some luck with brainstorming on what people I know would like. It's kind of fun buying things for people...spending money sucks, but the process of picking things out can be fun. It's time consuming though. I've been on every inch of Amazon the last couple days and I'm still struggling in the little kid department. How do I know what a 5 year old girl wants? I don't even know what a 21 year old girl wants. I know what a 21 year old doesn't want....an over 30, porky boss staring at their tits.

merry fucking xmas
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Why I Hate Raccoons

1. This big fucker keeps getting into our trash besides the house like there's pussy in them thar cans. And this week I was responsible for taking the cans to the curb for trash removal tomorrow morning. So I just spent the last 20 minutes shoveling up wet trash from all over the place and getting all nice and pretty for the trash truck men. It was wet and nasty, like a crack whore's box and now I stink.

2. That long car ride back from Conneaut Lake, PA when I was 12 years old and my aunt Barb and uncle Sam decided they wanted to take a raccoon as a pet back to Philly without a cage. (After all Uncle Tom practically house broke 'em) I spent a grueling 9 hours wedged into the space between the back of the driver's seat and the bottom of the back seat covered by a blanket fending off a wild fucking racoon that would eventually have to be shot for "getting out of line" with a neighbor kid or some shit a few years later. Did I mention that the other factors that contributed to this ride being the most miserable of my life were my screaming 2 year old cousin Todd who was riddled with the flu and the fact that I was recently bitten by a bat and suffering from the effects of rabies. It's a long story...

Getting the XMAS show on the road...

December, as a month, really just seems like a build up to one day and then shortly after, we are in a new year. The undertaking of the holidays can be consuming at times, with so many things to worry about and the inevitable money issues that always seem to crop up around this time of year. I usually am pretty well planned out when it comes to attacking XMAS like the beast that it is.

Yesterday I contributed to the last XMAS at the Ridge by buying a tinsel tree from work. The 40% discount made the purchase of such an item easier to swallow. And I loathe real trees. I think it's kind of selfish to kill a tree just to hang decorations on it. So my tree looks kind of sad, but I love it. It's blue and shiney and slender. It will get the job done, despite looking a little out of place in our living/dining area which looks like the Grizwalds decorated this year.

Phase 2 of the holiday season kick off is sending out your XMAS cards which I laborously licked, stuffed, wrote, signed, stamped and sealed today. Going out in the mail Monday so that most of them get to the recipient in plenty of time to reciprocate the sentiment. (You reading this??? Yes, you!)

I have been working on my XMAS list for a few weeks and can already claim a couple of small shopping victories prior to December 1. The only piece of the puzzle missing at this point is the Ridge pollyanna which seems to have hit an impass. I'm looking to keep it in the family, since last year's included a couple guys who have all but become invisible to these parts. Since the 5 of us have been in the house a few times this week and we haven't picked yet, I'm kind of wondering if this think is even going to happen. Assuming it will shortly, I have narrowed my list this year down to a very managable 25 people including the homefront pollyanna. My siblings are still testing out this new fangled anti-Pollyanna thing that was put into effect last year which I'm not sure I actually like. I'm not sure anyone likes it, but we are hardly ever in the same room to pick names that we basically have no choice. So everyone buys a generic gift and we blindly pick one from the pile and enjoy. I may still be bitter from last year when I became the proud owner of a back massager that was exchanged for random purchases at Target before january 1. What's tragic in all of this is that between house mates and siblings, I have about 12-15 people that would appreciate an Urban Outfitters purchase, but I will only have 2 of these people to buy for and my discount becomes useless in the family one. And God knows I will have an impossible time finding something at UO for my Grandparents. "look grandpa, it's a belt buckle and a bottle opener! Sorry. I forgot you wore only elastic waisted pants these days."

In any case, I guess you could say that the holiday season does make me feel hopeful and happy. I love giving gifts to people. I love seeing people that I don't often see. I love the idea of drinking a beer on a cold winter evening with my dear friends. I even think I like seeing my family on XMAS. Maybe I'm having an allergic reaction to the envelope glue on my XMAS cards?

December Has Blown In

So today was my first day of parking at a new garage in town. I signed up to pay for a parking spot monthly since I refuse to take the fucking bus anymore. SEPTA wants to raise fares, cut off weekend service, etc. and they can blow me before I'll give them another dime. Plus I do pay quite a bit monthly to drive my precious Echo, so I figured why the hell not?

Anyway, I squared away all the necessary shit with this woman at my company and when I pressed her for my first day protocol at the garage and she told me the following, "pull in and tell them you are a new monthly" and that was it, I kind of sensed I was in trouble.

Naturally I get there today and they have no clue who I am. The guy was cool and told me that I could park there, fill out some exception form and I should be cool. I was shocked that he was so chill about it. It wasn't until I picked my car up at 12:15 AM that I realized why he was so cool. He wasn't fucking there and didn't care. The dude working at night didn't have a fucking clue about anything. He almost didn't want to give me my fucking car. It's ridiculous, but would you expect any less at this point? Tomorrow is another day.

The good news from today is that I got a picture taken with Santa. My gal pal Joolie from work was gracious enough to come with me and we got matching pictures taken. They look rad. It's the kick off of employee appreciation at work and they had some dude dress up for a couple of hours for employees to get pics with the fat man in the red suit. Sadly though, I was bigger than the guy playing Santa. Thankfully I have no self esteem left to lose.

I have to get a crown fitting tomorrow morning, so I absolutely need to get up earlier than I am used to these days. It's a tooth thing, not a royalty thing. My schedule has me so out of wack anymore I can barely tell what day it is. On Tuesday, I was sound asleep at 11:50 AM and my boss called asking if I was coming to work since I was supposed to be there at 11 AM. I'm not sure if I'm coming or going anymore. Maybe it's old age? Maybe my night owl tendencies?

In other news, the whole lactose intolerant thing was a fallacy. I have been taking these stupid Diary Relief pills before I eat, but I'm still shitting like a cancer patient. I have to call my doctor tomorrow and make that physical appointment. Life was so much easier when you had a parent to do this shit for you. I think this is why people have kids....to make them do all the shit they don't want to do. "Get me a glass of water! and Paint the house!"

Clearly I'm rambling. And I'm tired. And my back hurts. And I need to get laid.

Female Trouble

John Walters is fucking nuts. I have seen some of his work over the years, Pink Flamingos, Hairspray, Pecker....but I never saw Female Trouble. That is until now. Tonight on IFC. Oh my God. What a nutty fucking movie.

Sideways

It's funny how I recently commented on this very blog about my love for talky movies when they speak to me in some capacity. Sideways was without a doubt a fine film, but the essence of the lead character Miles played by the phenominal Paul Giamatti struck a nerve with me. It was almost surreal to me to be watching a character to whom I relate entirely to. It's truly a borderline frightening experience. A man who is snobbish about wine (insert film or music), depressed, unlucky in love, surrounded by friends who make the things that are hardest seem easiest. I was awe struck by how incredibily real the characters were in this film. You will hear a ton about how great the performances are and how strong the movie is, but I can honestly say that for me it was a movie that will forever encapsulate my mood at this point in my life. It's defining for me. And I should also mention that there are at least 2 scenes that almost brought me to tears they were just that funny. Well worth the price of admission. Indeed.

Holiday Shopping Bonanza

Last night was single handedly the worst night in my career at UO. At one point we had 30 people waiting on hold to place orders with 1 of the 7 people I had working. Of these 30 folks, some were actually holding for up to 20 minutes. It was relentless. I have a feeling something big is happening under foot and it's making me edgy. Did we not plan correctly for the onslaught that is headed our way in December? Are we not managing the situation adequately as a group? I wound up having to call the director at home and he was livid about the situation. And I was the trigger man. Yuck. I'm glad I'm off today, that's all I can say.

What did you do tonight that was so much better?

Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. I watched this tonight on Cinemax. The whole thing. I came to the following conclusions:

1. Topher Grace is very much the Anthony Michael Hall of this generation.
2. Topher Grace might actually pull off a transition to becoming a real actor (unlike AMH who need about 15 years of downtime before he was able to reinvent himself.)
3. Kate Bosworth is really pretty.
4. Any idiot can write a movie script.
5. I'm a total loser.

So I'm now fascinated with Torrents. My friend Filipino Freddie P aka Poptart showed me the magic of Azureus and the power of torrents. I'm not sure what the hell it is, or exactly how it works, but I am downloading music like a mother fucker as a result of it. In the past day and a half I have download the entire catalogues of Death Cab for Cutie and Rilo Kiley, Velvet Revolver, Neutral Milk Hotel, David Cross, Chevelle's new jawn, absolutely tons of shit. I'm listening to the new Eliot Smith CD now that I downloaded while Tad Hamilton was on.

It's a shame about Mr. Smith. I really liked him. It's weird when someone you admire and revere dies and then you hear them sing. I remember when I first learned Jeff Buckley died and I listened to Grace in bed in the dark. I was hard not to think of him drowning and get sad. I think I might be having a moment like that now with this Eliot CD. Talented artist are few and far between and they always seem destined for the grave. It's like their talent weighs them down until they can't go on anymore.

Onto brighter topics, I think I may have discovered that I am lactose intolerant! I know that doesn't sound like good news, but at least I can treat it. I bought some over the counter dairy aid shit and so far it appears to work. I'm going to continue to monitor what my body does with/without the aid to see if I'm correct. This could be the answer to my prayers. (Fingers crossed.)

Ice Cube

Where is the fucking snow? Is it just me or did the temperature drop like 40 degrees in the past 12 hours? I'm literally frozen solid. My hands are frostbite as I try to type this post. Perhaps I should turn the heat on? Then again, I have work @ 3 PM so why bother.

Turkey

Thanksgiving is today. Yippie! I really don't think Thanksgiving is that good of a holiday. I do like eating, but otherwise it's quite lame. Terrible football games are always on because somehow the NFL thinks that Dallas and Detroit are one day going to be competetive. My Grandmother's house is a 3 bedroom row home and we try to squeeze in over 40 people at this point which is just ridiculous....basically the living room is taken over by the males and the kitchen/dining room is full of the women and the basement is all kids, up to and including my generation. Usually I come late, leave early and head to the cinema with my siblings which is our tradition on Turkey Day. And did I mention it's raining? My hope for next year is that I find me a nice girl that has a very close knit family about 4 hours from Philly and we have to go there for Thanksgiving. (I need a change of scenary....for fuck's sake.)

Gobble, Gobble

Before Sunset

I love movies that are talky as long as the talk is interesting or speaks to me in some sense. I just finished watching Before Sunset, the sequel to Before Sunrise starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy and it's definitely talky...but I loved it. Rick Linklater is a big fan of making films that are heavy on the dialogue, like Slacker and Waking Life, and Ethan has dabbled in making films like Tape and Chealsea Walls, so these guys know what they are doing. They understand the importance of the dialogue and the flawlessness of the acting. You don't have much else, so you better make what is said as strong as possible. Some of the sentitments in Before Sunset hit some incredibly close to home, it's kind of intense. I remember when I was getting out of college, I felt the movie Kicking and Screaming had the same kind of effect on me. I felt like the movie was meant just for me. Anyway, I guess the point of this late night entry is to say....rent this shit!

Sidenote: I think Ethan Hawke is probably the best actor to come out of my generation. (River Phoenix would have been a shoe in had he made it.) I'm putting Johnny Depp a little ahead of my generation just to clarify. But look at Ethan's resume, it's really strong.

Dead Poet's Society, A Midnight Clear, Waterland, Alive, Floundering, Before Sunrise, Reality Bites, Gattaca, Great Expectations, Hamlet, Tape, Training Day and Before Sunset.

Depsite the fact that he is beginning to look more and more like shit (heroin?), he has an intensity and naturalistic approach to his acting that mesmerizes me. Call it a man-crush or something. I've just always liked him.

Airbag Blues

Car crashes suck. Aside from the damage to the car and the nonsense you have to deal with insurance wise, there is an actual chance of injury or death.

A couple weeks ago my sister Kiki was hit by some dude and totally fucked up her ride. On Friday night, another sister of mine (TJ) was in an accident where the ex love of my life was behind the wheel. This one was a shit storm as the car is totaled and everyone was kind of beat up physically.

Everyone is fine, but I'm skittish with my sisters behind the wheel these days. I'm not sure with cell phones, hormones and music blasting that they are actually paying attention to what they are doing. I'm not suggesting that either of these accidents were the fault of anyone, I'm just saying is all.

Since I waited until I was 25 to learn how to drive, obviously I think that you have to develop a sense of maturity to understand that you are in control of an automobile that can easily become a killing machine before you should be afforded a license to drive. I guess since I can't force my sisters to take the bus like I did, I'll just have to hold out hope that these minor scrapes have at least taught them a lesson and that they will act more responsible behind the wheel.

Music Makes the World Move

I played my stereo today for the first time in weeks. That shit cranks. Being part of the IPOD nation, I rarely find use for the goddamn component system that has probably cost me a $1,000 over the years with add on, speakers and what not. And now that I finally own a car with a built in dash CD player, I usually reserve my CD listening for the drive time. Anyway, Jimmy Eats World sounds good blarring....

What I really wanted to discuss is the newest U2 album that "drops" today in a Best Buy near you. I'm that guy. The one who laughs at idiot who still shell out mucho dinero to go see the Rolling Stones play the VET or Robert Plant sans Jimmy Paige just cos he was in Led Zepplin 400 years ago. I grew up with these artists being "classic rock" bands, so I don't have the connection to them that some fans have. But with U2 continuing to put out records, I wonder if one day I will be the guy who pays $300 to see U2 play Lincoln Financial Field? I'm genuinely excited about the new U2 record, Uno, Dos, Tres, Catorce! I recall reading that they were going to do a whirl wind US tour in the Spring and my first thought was "I must go and support U2!" Scary. But I have very fond memories of U2, old and relatively new ones.

1989: Senior year of high school, fully immersed in spending every waking hour watching MTV, I came across a video for With or Without You. I thought it was the greatest song I had ever heard. I spent many nights going to sleep in my parent's basement drifting off to sleep singing along to every track on Joshua Tree dreaming of what college would be like.

My Birthday, 1991: I'm in my second year of college and Achtung Baby is released. I'm caught up in the U2 explosion for the next six months. The one and only time I sleep out to buy concert tickets is to see this tour come to the Spectrum, a show that I almost blow off completely when the girl I was in love with at the time lost 2 of our foursomes tickets in a drain on Packer Avenue. I spent the show being marveled by just how amazing U2 are as live performers and consoling a crying girl who had to tell 2 of her friends that she lost their tickets moments before the show.

Spring 2001: I'm in Amsterdam with friends, high on hash and watching Dutch Music Television in my room at the Bicycle Hotel, a dive hostel kind of place and on comes the video for Stuck In A Moment and You Can't Get Out of it. Maybe it was the hash, but man I cried like a baby for no reason.

I can listen to U2 anytime, anywhere and be happy. They continue to put out quality music and if I do become that 50 year old guy lining up to see them in Vegas, so be it. I'm a fucking hypocrite. Sue me.

P.S. I used my Tower Records giftcard from my work peeps to buy the new jawn today and so far, so good.

My New Mantra

Check out the Skip reference in this cartoon.

Thanks to Goonland.com

False Start

Okay, so admittedly I know nothing about buying a home. I perhaps jumped the gun by saying that Brother Mike had gone ahead and sucessfully procured some real estate in this fair city of ours. There is a technicality referred to as a "home inspection" that took place on Friday and revealed that this place isn't all that it was cracked up to be. Structural damage doesn't sound promising.

So we begin again. The search presses on. Atlantis where are you?

Worst Musical Purchase Ever.

dragnet
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Battle For PA?

Eagles ran over the Deadskins today, but the Steelers also won again. Could this year be the year where it's all Pennsylvania in the Superbowl?

The Day After

So I'm officially 33 now and it's remarkable to me how I don't feel any different than I did the day before I turned 33. Of course what I mean by that is that I felt like shit before and after this historic event. My peeps at work really came through yesterday and gave me presents, cards, desk decorations...it was all so festive and it took my mind off the fact that I was at work on my birthday. I got off at Midnight and plowed through the family calls with their salutations and best wishes, came home and did what I normally do after work. Eat some dinner at 1 AM and watch television until 4 in the morning. Today I took an extra long while to get a move on, not because I'm old, just because I was robbed of sleep the night before by some loud mouth whores who were in my house for some unknown reason and because it's shitty out. What's the rush? I'm not going to do anything, so why get out of bed at all. I'm so sick of the same old shit. I'm not even interested in going to see a movie and I love going to the movies.

My live in brother thinks I'm depressed, but in reality I'm just bored with my life, my friends, my alternatives. I don't see the value in "celebrating" another year on the calendar by getting drunk. People are astounded by this kind of behavior, as if that is what you MUST do to prove to the world you have survived another year. "Slug down 33 shots and you'll feel better about getting old, old man!" Not for me. I'm sick of bars, hangovers, drunk fights with people. It's as if people are incapable of doing anything of merit without it involving alcohol anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-booze or straightedge or anything, I'm just trying to remember the last time anyone in my life suggested doing anything that didn't involve drinking.

I'm content not doing anything for my birthday this year. I even sucessfully called off the parental dogs with their usual birthday dinner and cake extravaganza this year. The turnout to family birthday parties of those over 31 are pathetic anyway. Last year I think 4 people showed up, why beat a dead horse? My 30th was off the chains, but since then, it's really just been a going through the motions sort of event. All my sisters are at the age where they tell you they want to spend time with you, but they really don't. They are teenagers. It makes them feel good to extend the courtesy of "next week we should hang out" knowing that they would rather be in church than spend time with their 33 year old brother. It's a dance of sorts. I don't blame them for this type of behavior, I know it's because they are young and that they no longer need me to procure alcohol for them. I still love them.

I'm a little old for birthday parties, I guess that's the bottom line. But by not having a party, people think you must be trying to avoid the inevitable, that you are getting old. I'm okay with getting old. I made it a good long time before I ever "grew up." Some would say that I'm still not fully grown.

Day of Birth

When I look in the mirror I don't see 33. I guess that's a good thing?

XMAS is Coming...

The new 20th anniversary version of Do They Know It's Christmas Time is yummy. Look who's on this track!

Chris Martin, Sir Paul McCartney (bass guitar), Bob Geldof. Midge Ure, Radiohead, Robbie Williams. Dido, Bono, The Thrills, Joss Stone, Keane, The Darkness. Dizzee Rascal, Ms Dynamite, Snow Patrol, Sugababes, Travis, Danny Goffey (Supergrass, drums), Morcheeba, Ash, Damon Albarn (serving tea)

Thanks for the link Stereogum!

A House, A Home

Brother Mike has done it! A house was bid upon and procured in a matter of minutes. I haven't seen it, but it sounds enticing...minus the paneling. 6 Bedrooms of varying sizes, 2 full baths, ample parking, a pool and it's apparently not the sketchiest neighborhood in all of Phily. Barring any complications, I will be taking up residence with him in January of 2005. And thus begin another chapter in my life...

Beautiful Girl

There's a gal in my life that I'm so fucking attracted to it hurts. I don't see her as often as I would like, but when I do....man...I just want to walk up to her and kiss her. I can honestly say that I haven't felt this way about someone in a long time...and part of me wants to supress all desire because lurking around the corner is our old friend REJECTION. I'm not afraid of rejection, just tired of it. When you have been rejected as much as I have, you manage to grow accustomed to it. It still stings, but you survive. Maybe I just create reasons to NOT do anything about my lust. I'm a complicated person, a contradiction of sorts. I'm a leader and very outgoing, but also horribly shy and lonely sometimes. I don't think being with someone will make me happy, but at the same time I wonder if it will?

Sofitel

If you are ever in the city and need to find a quality place to drop a deuce, let me recommend the Sofitel on the corner of 17th and Sansom. Now I know what you are thinking, "Isn't that near where you work Skip?" Yes it is. And that's why I can safely say it's the cat's meow of facilities.

My workplace bathroom is sorry. It's basically a small closet oddly situated in the middle of a hallway that connects the elevators to the main section of the floor. You got a toilet, a small baby sized sink and that's it. Considering that I am on the bigger side (more to love ladies) and quite a dumper, I have taken up using the bathroom across the street at Sofitel. Pathetic, perhaps. However, don't judge until you see what Sofitel has to offer for yourself. The towels that you use to dry your hands are like fine linen, better than my fucking bath towel at home. And the shitters have doors on them. I mean actual doors. Floor to ceiling doors. With locks. It's like a little office or something. Amazing.

You have to be a little James Bond to get in the hotel and to the 2nd floor without drawing much attention to yourself, but it can be done. I stick out like a sore thumb with my horrible dress and incredible girth, yet no one has said a word to me about wandering the halls over there.

Until I'm told otherwise, I know where I'll be sitting pretty.

Bunch of Movie Reviews

The Clearing - 3 out of 5 stars

Robert Redford, Helen Mirren and Willem Dafoe are all very strong actors, too bad this story line had nowhere to go. It's essentially a hostage thriller, but it plays longer than it is. The time line keeps moving back and forth confusing the viewer and the ending is just anti-climatic. Watch it for the acting, that's about it.

Intermission - 4 out of 5 stars

Irish black comedy featuring a ton of Irish talent. Colm Meany (the dad in the Commitments), Colin Farrell and Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later lead) are the main three men in this interwoven story about love, money and fame. The story lines about a girl with a mustache and a little kid who throws rocks at moving cars are so wrong that they are so right. There's jerking off, rough sex, kidnapping, bank robbery, drinking and brown sauce sandwiches everywhere in this little Irish community. I didn't laugh out loud, but I was interested all the way through this one.

Naughty Little Nymphos 7 - Got the job done.

Wasted and Ready

Irony. I am addicted to Propel by Gatorade. What's ironic about it is that it's marketed as "fitness water" and I clearly am not their target audience. But damn that shit is tasty.

My weekend off is coming to a close and it wasn't the usual lame affair, although it wasn't exactly a rollercoaster of fun. I think working until Midnight on Fridays messes up my whole vibe. I spent the better part of Saturday dealing with housing issues with brother Mike. We found a house that we liked, put the ball in motion, filled out paperwork and pulled out again before the ink was dry. This time it wasn't crack house related, more economical. In any case, I don't want to watch my brother sign away his life on a house that just isn't right for him. But the dude is under mad pressure, some of it placed on himself by himself. More to the point, I got tied up in this nonsense instead of doing anything of "value" such as seeing Sideways or buying some new slacks. I guess I could have gone and done that today, but instead I just wasted another day off away...

After Rock and Bowl I got back home @ 1:30 AM and finished Beautiful Girls with a couple roommates who were finishing up a bottle of the Goose. Didn't exactly crash right away and as a result didn't really get a move on today until well after 1 PM. Today was perfect for getting things done as the Eagles weren't on to distract me....

So then what's my excuse for doing ZILCH today? Don't know. I am doing wash now. That's progress right? I finished my column on Movie Soundtracks although I'm not entirely happy with it. I drank Propel. Alright...I'm reaching. In any case, it was nice to be off two days in a row.

Rock and Bowl

Considering the music playing at the bowling alley, it was more like Pop and Bowl, but it was a good ole time nonetheless. Tonight I braved Jersey and headed to a work related birthday party that took place at a bowling alley. And not just any bowling alley, the fucking largest bowling alley I have ever seen. This thing had like 100 lanes of action, and it was all dark and there were disco lights. Totally rad.

In my foursome, I came in 2nd in the first match and was leading in round 2 when our hour of fun was up. (Shame.) I was thankful that my bowels complied (with some medicinal coaxing) to allow me to have a little fun in life. It was cool hanging with people that I usually only see in the office. Practically half my team showed up to this event...

I will say that bowling to O-Town or Luther Vandross can be demanding. But Dancing Queen is the perfect bowling song. You just want to strap on roller skates and boogie when that shit cranks up.

All in all. Crunk time. Tena the birthday girl is like the coolest chick in the world, so I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Feeling Funky

I spent much of today in a bit of a funk. Might have been the 8 AM wake up call from my brother calling off the dogs on househunting today or it might have been the drive to Temple when I woke up finally at 11:30 AM to hand over my parking ticket to one of my sisters to take home? (I'm trying to get that fucker fixed...I ain't got no $300 for a parking ticket.) Maybe it's not shaving in over a week? I guess I'm growing a beard? More likely, I'm just not shaving and eventually an odd looking beard will appear. I have no idea why other than sheer laziness. I haven't been keeping up no my show watching on tv, I'm not finishing this column I am writing, I'm just lagging on all kinds of shit. What's going on? I need to have fun this weekend and shake off whatever this funk is that I am balls deep in.

Got a party to attend on Saturday night that I'm stoked about. Hopefully my spastic colon will allow me to enjoy the evening. I can't recall the last time I had an alcoholic beverage. Anyway, I should really get shit wrapped up here at work and head home....

Egg-citing!

I'm all for new experiences, but getting my house egged at 3:00 AM by some losers wasn't exactly what I would consider fun. I was laying in bed, still awake mind you, watching Real Time on demand and all of a sudden my windows are getting pelted with oranges. I get up, look out the window and see nothing. But right away I have a suspicion that it's this guy who my brother had it out with a few months back. Did you ever have a friend in high school who never really graduated? You know, you go to college and this guy stays in his parent's house and lays bricks for a living. Well my brother has one of those and this dude is obnoxious. The last couple times he came around our house he stole shit and broke in our back window, just total scumbag shit. So anyway, my brother laid it out on the line and told him to never come around here again about 5 months ago.

Then last week my brother runs into him at a bar where this asshole starts to hit on my sister. I guess seeing my brother made this guy remember how he is "banned" from our house which sucks since he lives in the NE and loves to get drunk in Manayunk.

Anyway, having a sense that it might be this guy throwing oranges at my window, I stayed on my feet and waited for the next cycle of destruction to hit. This guy isn't the type to just do one thing and roll on....he's got ADD or something, so I knew he would be back. And true to form about 10 minutes later there are 3 guys on the street bombarding my house with a dozen eggs that they most likely purchased at the 7-11 up the street. Ridiculous.

I woke up my brother and he confirmed for me what I already knew. It was the guy. I saw him the second time round waddling back to his car parked in the gas station parking lot and my brother confirmed that it looked like this guy's car pulling off into the street and taking off towards 76.

Another day in the life. I'm too old for this shit. I swear.

Mikey...

Mikey
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

People keep asking me why on earth I would want to live with my brother Mike and his family. They say that living with a 2 year old will be a nightmare. Well, I say look at this picture.

This kid is my ticket to getting ass. He's hot. As far as kids go. And I don't mean that in a creepy uncle way. If I take him out to the park or the movies by myself....oh my....can you imagine?

A dreamboat in diapers.

Ironic How This Dude is From Ohio.

This Just In....Jury Duty Blows

As I drifted away to sleep at roughly 2:30 AM, I thought to myself..."how bad could jury duty be?"

Well, let me tell you.

The alarm went off at 7 AM and as soon as I opened my eyes, I knew that today was gonna suck. I got a shower, grabbed my summons and hit the road. Naturally it has been quite some time since I needed to drive into the city on a work day, so needless to say traffic was a peach. After I parked at 13th and Filbert, I rolled over to the municipal court building and couldn't make heads or tails of the lines they have going. It's like the fucking airport. You got metal detectors, conveyor belts, uneducated security staff. Anyway, after getting in the wrong line, I was shown to the line that you have to wait in to "check" your cell phone. Huh? It's barely 8:15 AM and I am now seriously doubting why I even decided to attend this jury duty thing. What can they do if you fail to show? Arrest you? Fine you?

Once you check your cell, then it's off to another line which is wrapping down the hall of the building. At the end of this line you get your parking validated, you turn in your summons and you grab some papers to fill out. Then it's off to the waiting room. A gigantic waiting room filled with the ugliest people on earth. This is where I would spend the next 3 and 1/2 hours trying to keep myself awake. I read the Inquirer, USA Today, an issue of Golf Magazine from 3 years ago. Dreadful.

We are told early on that lunch is at Noon, so as I see the clock coming up on the lunch time hour I am concerned that I am going to be here all day long. Just waiting. As luck would have it, I am selected as a pool of 20 potential jurors for a civil case over in City Hall. (Or should I say Shitty Hall? That place could use a "While You Were Out" makeover.) I march over there with my other possible jurors in utter silence. It's like a funeral, everyone is afraid to speak to anyone else. The only upside I am seeing is that the one hot female in the giant waiting room is in my group, the very lovely Megan aka Juror #9. Since I'm #18 and that is double 9, I immediately think the gods are at work and this is no mere coincedence. Once we are seated in our court room, we are told that we will break for an hour lunch until 1:15 PM. Ugh. This blows....

My sensitive stomach is aching for food, but we all know that if I eat I am most likely going to be labeled "the juror with a load in his pants" in the afternoon session of this experience. I break down and grab a bagel from a cart and fall asleep on the sidewalk outside the Hall of Shame. It was cold, but my 4 and 1/2 hours of sleep weren't cutting it. I was sure to get back to the courtroom a touch early to catch a glimpse of Juror #9. We sat in the hall across from each other and listened to our respective IPODs in total silence. I stared at her and she looked as though my staring made her uncomfortable. So much for the work of the gods.

After lunch we get sworn in and the lawyers pull us in a room one by one to ask ridiculous questions about what you do for a living. The case before us was an auto accident between a black man (plantiff) and a black woman (horrible driver), as I gazed around the room I knew right away that I was going to get tossed. Of the 20 of us, we were 10 men and 10 women. Since 8 jurors were needed, I suspected 4 men and 4 women would ultimately comprise the jury. That meant I had a 60% chance of NOT making the cut. Throw in the fact that 7 of the 10 men were white and the plantiff and defendant were black, I was convinced that improved my chances greatly. Low and behold, an hour later I am not selected. My suspicions were completely accurate as the jury wound up being 4 men, 2 black and 2 white and 4 women, 3 black and 1 white.

So finally at about 3 PM we are given our $9 checks and released into the wild. Wow, a whole $9? Good thing parking was only $7 and my bagel was $1. I made a dollar for 7 hours of hell. Oh wait a minute...............

Since I'm hardly near the Reading Terminal Market these days, I figured I would take the opportunity to buy some fresh breads and meats. It's only 3 and I can run in there right quick and still beat it home before traffic gets to crazy. So I jetted from the muni building to the market, grabbed some bagels from Le Bus (mmm), some ground turkey for dinner and some fallafel for the hell of it. I was in and out of the market, over to the parking lot for my car and out on Filbert St before I realized that I never retrieved my "checked" cell phone. FUCK!

Now since I had paid for parking already, I wasn't looking to go back into a lot for 1 minute at a cost of $15 every 20 minutes...with an hour minimum charge. (Fucking robbery those lots are.) I decided to roll over to the municipal building, look for a spot out front to jump into or double park, run out and grab my phone. Sounds easy eh? Well I found a spot alright. Right out front. I was in and out in literally 2 minutes tops. Cell phone in hand. What do I see in front of me? The meter maid from hell already writing me a ticket for parking in a handicap meter spot. Doh. I walk up calmly to her, explain my situation (waste of time) and politely wait for her to complete my ticket. I got in my car and drove off thinking, "oh well, that sucks." It wasn't until I looked at the ticket that I wanted to be dead. $300!!! Are you fucking nuts!!!! Checking your cell phone in because people can't be trusted to turn them the fuck off leads to me getting hit with a $300 ticket for parking at a handicap meter for 2 lousy minutes!!! Is this for real???!!!

I'm now down $299, extremely tired and more depressed than I was yesterday. Thank you Philadelphia. I love you.

Voting, Now This?

So tomorrow morning at 8 AM yours truly will be hoping like hell he doesn't get selected for a trial when I attend my first jury duty session for the city of Philadelphia. I've lucked out making it this long without getting picked to even go, so I guess it's not all bad. What sucks is working until Midnight and then having to be at City Hall at the fucking crack of dawn. So much for a day off from work...

I'm already looking to get this week over with and it's Sunday night.

I Tried to Resist...

About 14 months ago a Friendster of mine turned me onto MySpace.com. He said it was going to be the next best thing and that I should set up an account over there. Well, I did and then quickly forgot about it. Now I'm surrounded at work by My Space lunatics and I was forced into reigniting my profile on there and actually making an effort to locate friends. And that process is very addictive. I spent way too much time in the last couple waking hours putting names into the search finder just to see what I can strum up. And now I must take a much need break and eat some Dunkin Donuts which will surely make me ill.

I'm Throwing Up on Myself.

Ewww
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

What's the worse part of this photo?

Tara Reid's hairdo?
Her crackheadish smile?
Her nasty eye shadow?
Her frankenboob?

At least she ain't lying about getting new tits. Looks to me like they cut off the nipple, shoved in a water balloon and Lilo and Stiched that shit up. I probably could have performed a better boob job and I ain't been to no medical school.

Bummed Out

I feel ill. Always. I can't recall the last time I felt "good" health wise. I wouldn't say I'm a hypochondriac which is defined as the persistent conviction that one is or is likely to become ill, often involving symptoms when illness is neither present nor likely, and persisting despite reassurance and medical evidence to the contrary. The symptoms are there, I just choose to ignore them. And that's not good for business.

I'm happy to report that I have experienced little pain, discomfort or infection from my root canal on Wednesday, however my stomach has been in a state of quake all week. I'm convinced it's colitis or Crohns at this point. Here's what I found about both of them using the trusty internets as my guide.

The most common symptoms of Crohn's disease are abdominal pain, often in the lower right area, and diarrhea. Rectal bleeding, weight loss, and fever may also occur. Bleeding may be serious and persistent, leading to anemia.

The symptoms of ulcerative colitis may include:

1) Diarrhea. Some people may have diarrhea 10 to 20 times a day. The urge to go to the bathroom may wake you up at night.
2) Rectal bleeding. Ulcerative colitis usually causes bloody diarrhea and mucus. You also may have rectal pain and an urgent need to empty your bowels.
3) Abdominal pain, often described as cramping. Your abdomen may be sore when touched.
4) Constipation. This symptom may develop depending on what part of the colon is affected. Constipation is much less common than diarrhea.
5) Loss of appetite.
6) Fever. In severe cases, fever or other symptoms that affect the entire body may develop.
7) Weight loss. Chronic symptoms, such as diarrhea, can lead to weight loss.

With the exception of weight loss, I think this covers the bases. Clearly some of you are wondering why I just don't see a doctor about this illness and get it over with. Well, here's why.

1) I hate hospitals. I know Doctor's have offices, but I'm convinced that whatever I have will lead me to a hospital.
2) My mother had all kinds of health problems (she did have colitis, diabetes, cysts, etc.) and died at age 44. (See #1)
3) I don't trust medication. It's artificial. And it's corrupt...see Pfizer.
4) I'm lazy.
5) I always think it will go away.

I guess I'm making things worse by neglecting whatever it is that makes me a psycho when it comes to number 2. I don't really feel like leaving the house much as a result of my constant, nagging pangs of needing to poot. And as I have previously mentioned, this makes my lifestyle mirror that of a serial killer. Not good for trying to obtain the all important girlfriend.

Right now I'm at a point where I see plenty of gals around that I wouldn't mind asking out, but I don't feel comfortable actually going out. Can you imagine the following scenario?

"Hey. You wanna come over to my house tonight and watch TV?"
"How about we get a drink instead," she retorts.
"Well, see...I can't be away from my toilet so I'm gonna have to pass."

Naturally I'm being romantic in my notion that this is how my attempt at courting will pan out. More realistically her retort will be, "leave me alone LOSER." But I think you get my point. I'm crippled by my insecurity surrounding my fawlty bowels. And this is on top of being fat with a large shaped head and a sarcastic outlook on life.

What's Next for Me?

OUTBOUND CALL CENTRE SUPERVISOR

Our rapidly growing Call Centre is currently seeking to fill outbound supervisor positions. Representing Fortune 500 clients, Gemma Communications has been serving the Canadian market for over 4 years and is looking to add additional members to its team. Our 350-seat state of the art call centre offers an opportunity for future growth, benefit package, and is in demand for top quality supervisors.

Qualifications:
Minimum of 2 years of outbound sales and management experience in an outsourcing call centre a must.
Ability to coach, mentor and develop direct reports.
Proven track record of consistently meeting and exceeding client objectives.
Ability to motivate and manage a team of 15-20 sales agents Ability to identify and address areas of opportunity relative to performance and provide solutions.
Proficient with Excel.
Ability to work under pressure in a fast paced environment.
Ability to multi-task
Works well individually and with teams
Location is in Toronto.
Salary rage is $35-38,000/year plus bonuses.
Position is Fulltime permanent and individuals must be flexible to work Monday to Sunday and be available to work evening hours.

Okay. In looking at the qualifications, I can say check, check, check, check, check (kind of), CHECK, check, check, cold/but not a Bush state, could be worse and Saturdays off. I'm thinking about it....

Collective Depression

It's official, we are going to be under fascist rule for 4 more years. I can't bear to listen to the acceptance speech that is on CNN right now for fear that I will just start crying and never stop. I can't believe that I live in a country where they let this asshole get away with all the shit he does. I look around and see nothing but sad faces, people who really gave a shit about the election and supported the overthrow of our leader. Every away message is sentiment of disgust and confusion. It's just sad.

All I can say is that we have to stay strong and keep the fight going. Put pressure on this retard president of ours to listen to what we want as citizens of this nation. The Democratic party needs to get its shit together and form a united opposition to the Republican machine. The Michael Moore's and Bill Maher's of the world need to keep calling this regime to task. And the youth who came out with a vengeance cannot hide away until it matters again in 4 more years. Get involved, stay involved and let's take this motherfucker down together.

Painful

Tomorrow morning at 8 AM I have a root canal scheduled. Now normally I would be freaked out by the event since my experience with dentists is full of horror stories. But right now, with the direction I see the election going, I am looking forward to the pain. It can't be worse than having Bush at the helm for four more years. I am totally freaked out that this thing is so fucking close. The hope of our country rests in the hands of Ohio. Oh my God. Ohio? I guess the silver lining is that I am too old to be drafted to go to Vietnam. Oops, I mean Iraq.

I hope that when I wake up tomorrow, it was all a dream and that John Kerry is the winner. If not, I'm looking into jobs in Montreal once I get home from the dentist.

Clever

I Saw Saw

Aside from some over the top acting at various points, Saw delivers with chills and thrills. I was expecting a tad more on the gore front, but I was still presently suprised by the twists and turns in the plot. I commend the makers for dusting off Cary Elwes and Danny Glover and giving them some much needed work. Mr. Glover was this close to signing on for Gone Fishin' 2: Electric Eel Bugaloo with Joe Pesci. And Cary, well he has made only one film since Princess Bride that was watchable and no one saw it. (The Cat's Meow with Eddie Izzard as Charlie Chaplin) I do question the use of the screenwriter as the second lead in this flick however. He's over the top from jump, but his screenplay was solid considering how easy it is to put together a contrived horror film these days.

I was also thrilled to see Rob Zombie's new flick, The Devil's Rejects, previewed prior to Saw. The gang's all back and it looks demented just like House of 1,000 Corpses. And I saw this other preview that looked interesting, perhaps a foriegn film of some sort (no dialogue in the preview, just a voiceover....common marketing ploy for foreign movies.) and looked like a revenge thriller. High Tension. God Bless IMDB....it's a french film, Haute Tension. Anyway, looks kind of dark and cool.

Do It.

My civic duty is done. I managed to get to the polls, figure out the voting machine and cast my ballot for the Kerry/Edwards ticket. I was surprised by the lack of turnout at the polls, but I did go off peak at 10 AM. Most folks vote before or after their 9-5, so I wasn't all that concerned. However, the people there handing out their propaganda underwhelmed me even more than the turnout. What happed to enthusiasm? If you want me to vote for Bush/Cheney, fucking tell me so. Don't hand me a little piece of paper with shit on it....engage me. Oh well. The Move On lady wasn't very vocal either, so maybe I just look like a man who is determined and they didn't want to bother.

By the way, I live in the city. Not the sprawl of central PA. So why the hell are the poll workers playing country music? The lady who asked for my name was toothless and singing along to country music. I thought I was in Alabama for a minute. People who work the polls are fucking scary? Do they get paid for this work? I wonder...

I hope everyone who reads this took the time and effort today to make their voice count. Regardless of your choice, you have to vote.

Yogi Bush Cartoon

Schlange Man!

Trick or Treat?

Eagles gave us a scare today with a close one against the Ravens, but they pulled it out and now stand alone as the only team in the NFL without a loss. Pittsburgh shoved it up the Pats' ass this week, so now they get to try and give out 2 undefeated teams their first loss back to back weeks. Bring it on.

Busted out the camera today to snap some shots of the little ones in costume. Ventured to the great NE to see my nephews, niece and baby sister in full on Halloween mode. Hyper chocolate eating frenzy!! Was disappointed in how lame my old neighborhood has become with the whole trick or treating thing. When I was a kid, you were on the street with a hundred other kids all trying to make it around the block as fast as you could. Tonight I stood outside waiting to give out candy for 20 minutes between groups of kids. And these kids today have no fucking enthusiasm. They mumble and put no effort into their costumes. I think I saw about forty kids with wings on their backs; including 3 of my sisters. You call this a costume? Come on now...

Oh well. Clearly I'm not alone in thinking that this Halloween was a complete disappointment. All of my sisters were in agreement that without our party here on The Ridge, the events this weekend let them empty. Maybe we should have gotten it together and thrown the damn thing again? We went from having Bam Magera and his band of merrymen in attendance two short years ago, to not having a party at all.

I'm gonna watch a movie called I'm Not Scared now in the hopes that it scares me. Afterall, it's still Halloween for a couple more minutes....

NO (fucking) W.

NO (fucking) W.
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter....and Spring

This is a very interesting Asian flick that I watched last night. It's a tale of a Buddist Monk and the art of zen. It's very simple and there is little dialogue, but it's so engrossing and beautiful. The story takes place on a lake throughout various stages of a man's life. In each of the seasonal parables, he learns another life lesson. I liked it.

Welcome to Lameville, I'm Your Host Skip

I couldn't do it. I was almost at the Halloween party tonight and I decided against it. Why?

1) I'm old.
2) I worked today.
3) I have work at 11 AM tomorrow morning and I need my rest because I'm old.
4) I wasn't in costume.
5) I couldn't find a parking spot.
6) I shit blood today....possibly a reaction to what I ate, possibly cancer of the stomach.
7) I am officially manic depressive with anxiety disorder on top.
8) I've been to a million parties and they are all the same.
9) I called ahead to survey the scene and was provided the following quote, "I haven't been upstairs in an hour, but last time I was it was weak"
10) I'm fucking lame.

In other news, my brother Mike managed to purchase a house on his own like a grown up. After all the build up, my involvement in the ownership of the "new house" wasn't necessary. However, at this time I'm officially a border in his Germantown oasis come the winter. The word came in today and I couldn't be more thrilled for the kid. Living in his Dad's basement with his wife and 2 year old has driven him almost to the verge of delirium. It will be nice to have him back amongst the living.

Scratch that bit above. Old Mike realized he was buying a house in the middle of the ghetto and withdrew his offer on the house. Yikes! I thought trying to get laid took a lot of energy....it doesn't compare to trying to buy a house.

And finally, I managed to hook up those $10 speakers I bought to my IPOD at work for after 8 PM listening pleasure. My battery died tonight at around 10:30, but at least I know they work and it makes work a little more tolerable listening to some tunes. Again...read the title of this post....I told you so.

Dropzines Come to Philly

Dropzines Show
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

My old band, the Dropzines (harmony laden indie pop) are coming to Philly and it would be swell if you could show your love. It's on the early side, so no complaining about having to work early the next day. Not sure about Whiskey Dix, but the music I can assure you will not disappoint.

Halloweenie

I have decided that I'm taking a year off from dressing up for Halloween. Chances are that if I just wear one of my normal ensembles, people will think I'm dressing as Michael Moore anyway. So why get all worked up over trying to figure out what to be? When you are my size and haven't shaved off your VanDyke in 15 years, you are very limited in what you can dress as anyway. I'll wait until I get my Extreme Makeover and then dress up as Brad Pitt from Fight Club every year for the next 10 years.

In place of our annual Halloween party that was scraped this year due to lack of enthusiasm, there is a party going on out in Fairmount that is hoping to steal our thunder. Or carry on the tradition? Whatever. I'm working until Midnight tonight and have to be back in work at 11 AM tomorrow morning, so no matter what I'm sure to miss out on the bulk of fun.

Ironically enough, I am out of work at 8 PM tomorrow night and off Sunday, so if the party were Saturday I would probably wind up enjoying it immensely. In any case, I am going tonight and making an appearance. I'm bringing the camera to try and document the remaining bits of goofiness the roommates get into before the walls crumble on this living situation. Plus I have pretty much abandoned the camera for the last 5 months and need to bust it out and use it more often.

Now I do know of a party tomorrow night that I could attend, but I'm not sure I could handle it. A pimp and ho party featuring 19 year old girls from work. I think I may have to avoid this one at all costs. No telling what kind of trouble I could get myself into....

Bid

Monroe!
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

The day has finally arrived. My brother Mike, his wife Deb and I all agreed on a house that we like over in Germantown and a bid was placed late yesterday afternoon.

The neighborhood seems alright, a little lower middle class...just like us. But the place was rehabbed from soup to nuts recently and is currently vacant. 6 Bedrooms, 2.5 baths, backyard, on street parking, couple blocks from train station. It seems to good to be true.

So the picture above may soon reflect my life as I attempt to live with a married couple with a small child. Remember when they made Ted Knight have a small child on Too Close For Comfort? Retirees raising a baby...now that's comedy.

"I'll change your diaper, then you can change Daddy's diaper!"

The One That Got Away

On the verge of 33, I guess I'm at that point in life where you start to reflect a little more clearly on how you spent your twenties. Not a mid-life crisis or anything like that, just some recollections of events and what not. Being single and childless, I have plenty of time to spend on reflection. Not that I want to be married and have kids, I'm merely saying that I bet all bachelor's once they hit a certain age think about what it would have been like if you chose a different path.

I think a story I heard yesterday at work put me in this odd state of rememberance. This guy was talking about his high school girlfriend who was really cool and how her sister wound up married to The Edge. He was saying that if things worked out differently, his brother in law right now would be The Edge. That's fucked.

Maybe seeing my buddy Rob's sister last night added to this decision to piece things together. I remember vividly in college of having a huge crush on Beth who was still in high school at the time. Sounds sick now that I am 33, but I was 20 at the time and she was probably 15 or 16 which isn't too bad. I'm thinking she might actually be responsible for my continued obession with young gals. Hogwash!

I can only blame myself for continuing to look at teenage girls as a viable dating alternative. I'm not sure why I do this. I mean the attraction factor comes across as possibly illicit considering my continued maturity. Lolita looks pretty in that two piece...fucking sicko. Maybe it's the uncomplicated behavior of a teenage girl. She's more concerened with material things than procreating. I rule out dating most women in my demographic simply because I don't want kids and I'm allergic to cats. That wipes out a ton of eligible single women.

Whatever the fascination with women 20 and under is, I'm sure it is making me seem more and more like a dirty old man instead of a real person. I'm a bit of a caricature to most, potty mouthed and willing to say anything to make people uncomfortable. But I think there must be a deeper reason for how I act and who I ultimately am. Was it because I wasn't a cassanova in high school? Was it because my parent's divorced when I was 3? Was it because I went to an all boy's high school? Part of me thinks that all of these had an impact on shaping who I am today.

I have spent a large part of my life not having any intimacy with a member of the opposite sex. I have had relationships, but nothing longer than say 6 months. It's odd. Sometimes I am happy to say that and other times I think it makes me seem a bit like a freak. I don't exactly crave a relationship, but sometimes I wonder why I am not more actively looking for one. The older I get, the more distant I am becoming with my friend's who are all grown up. Most of them are married, dating someone or having kids....and here I am doing nothing. I work, I watch TV, I read, I sleep, I blog. I'm not a go getter when it comes to women. Fear of rejection is a huge part of that. It's not just fear, it's actually rejection that I have suffered that beats me back into my shell. Most of my casual hook ups in the past few years have all been a drunken mistake that some girl made. How's that for your self esteem? Mr. Mistake. I'm not saying that these women were cruel enough to refer to me as a mistake to my face, but their behavior the following day says it all. (Ever get the feeling that you are sharing to much? That's where I am RIGHT NOW.)

Is there a point to all this rambling? I guess so. It's just that I wish I could have made one of these hook ups turn into a relationship of some sort. It would be nice to have some experience longer than 6 months to draw on. Even if it's for material to shape my dreams or musings. In college I spent a lot of time being 'the friend' to girls. I should have been more forthcoming and just told them straight out that my angle was to be a boyfriend, not a friend. I've spent the last few years doing just that and as a result I don't have many female friends. Some women look at me like a pig, not just my physical stature, but my personality as well. And that sucks. How do I fix it? I don't know. I remember back in the day, when I had female friends, they would always tell me that I was too nice. Apparently boyfriend's are assholes and until I become one, I won't succeed. I like being nice. I like being concerned about people. And supportive. And complimentary. What the fuck is wrong with that. I think that I get a bum rap sometimes. I'm not a pervert because I like one of my sister's friends. I can't help who I like. If I feel a connection or attraction to someone, I need to act on it consequences be damned. I'm getting to old for this shit. Either I am going to become a hermit who is extremely social at work, but otherwise hides in his room or I'm going to find the right gal to make mine.

Bottom line. I'm currently accepting applications for a girlfriend. Must be between the ages of 18-24, must like attention and pampering, must like movies. If you are a bitch, all the better. The machocist in me is attracted to the bitchy ones.

Oh Crap!

NAIROBI (Reuters) - More than 100 jailed Kenyan street children smeared themselves and their Nairobi cells with feces in a protest Wednesday, leading police to call in firefighters to hose them down.

Now I love a good shit story like anyone, but if you dig past the headlines on this one you get to the real tragedy.

Nairobi's streets are home to thousands of homeless children, many of them abandoned or orphaned by AIDS. Many steal and sniff glue and are regarded as an aggressive menace. They are also often the victims of abuse and violence.

Awesome. Book my trip for Africa post haste. But seriously, American kids bitch when they run out of a PS2 game at Target. Could be worse. Who's with me?

Sedaris, Conference, Long Day

I'm immensely tired at this point. Up at 7 AM, spent all day sitting at a conference about software for workforce management that my company should buy but probably won't. (Workforce huh?) Then over to work for a catch up on emails. Then off to the Kimmel Center to see the wonderfully funny David Sedaris.

My back is aching from sitting prone all day, but it was worth it. Seeing David Sedaris was a delight. (Good job Dan...finally a birthday present that doesn't suck ass.) I ran into my friend Rob's sister Beth there and was able to grab an address from her to start a postcard love affair. Now that Rob has settled down and become a house wife in SF, I need a new postcard buddy.

Anyway, I have to do a weekly recap for my Fantasy Football league (I beat my old man this week...hoo-ha!) and watch Biggest Loser on VHS before I head to slumber land.