Damn, I guess this blog demonstrates just how life is a series of ups and downs. If I go back and look over my postings since I've moved to Georgia, I can clearly see a man who is struggling to deal with all the shit that is happening to him. I feel as though it's like watching the Titantic a little bit, it's kind of long and depressing. My apologies. I used to be a guy who rambled about entertainment pretty steadily and occasionally I pontificated about the sadness that is my life. Now I feel as though I've reversed that a bit. I'm a guy with a depression blog who sometimes mentions a song or film that is moderately encouraging and then I go back to whining. Fuck. Sorry. I hope that in the past week or two I've spared you any of the downer stuff and managed to get this shit back on track. I've been trying really hard to not get too down about my situation, or at least not go into agonizing detail about it on here.
For those keeping score however, I guess it's true what they say about relocating. The folklore goes like this: Give it 90 days and then shit should be okay. Well, congrats to me. I just made it to the 90 day mark and I'm still alive. And I didn't move back to Philly or have a nervous breakdown. It's been a crappy ride for the most part, but I'm ready to fully embrace the rest of my life now that I've managed to square away a few things. The hardest part of moving was saying goodbye to my friends and family in Philadelphia. I was very worried that I would become a memory to most of them rather quickly, and that scared me. Nobody wants to find out that they were expendable. Since coming here I've heard the words "I miss you" from my brothers and sisters so much that it borders on annoying. But each time I do hear it, I feel able to take another step forward. You dig?
I'll admit that when I first landed in this oasis of the South I panicked. I was scared to death about fitting in, finding friends, adjusting. I freaked a bit. I tried too hard to make some things work and not hard enough on some others. It's a crisis situation, or at least it appeared to be one, and I was ill equipped. I've always been a tool when it comes to dealing with the fairer sex, as some of my readers can attest to first hand. I don't take rejection well, I kind of spaz out for a while and eventually I'm able to be human again. What's ironic is that me moving here was supposed to help me "fix" parts of myself that I didn't like in Philly, and this was one of those. So what do I do when I get here? I repeat the same mistakes again without thinking about it. Classic Skip.
1. Get drunk and hook up with teenage girl. Check.
2. Mistake friendship for something more with good female friend. Check.
3. Piss and moan and refuse to go out and meet people. Check.
I am pathetically predictable to the extent that I sometimes feel cliched. I know I'm a pretty decent friend, I look out for people unconsciously almost. I don't even really care when people take advantage of me, in a sick way I kind of enjoy it I guess. For some reason though, I get really emotionally attached to people that wind up not being able to give back to me what I need that I sometimes retract and decide to forgo even trying to meet new people. And I'm smart enough to know this is counter productive. I always say you have to give to get, but when my ego is bruised I sometimes don't practice what I preach for a little while. It's one of my many, many quirks.
I'm not very good at apologizing or swallowing my pride either. God, the qualities when you add them up add up to shit. But it's who I am. Let me say that on occasion I have said some not very nice things about people on here, and although at the time I write things I fully intend the words I am putting to paper. Hindsight, however, is always 20/20 as they say and I guess in reality if I know who I am, I must accept that other people are who they are. We all can change, but I can only really worry about myself. And I know I need to change. I need to be more outgoing, easy going, fun. And I plan on it. Starting now I'm all about making every day better than the one before it. Fuck all this pissing and moaning shit. I'm sick of being a cry baby. And besides, I want to get laid and nobody wants to fuck a sour puss.
In closing, I guess I will ceremoniously wipe the slate clean publicly and say I am sorry for treating some people like shit either in my mind or in person. An ex-girlfriend used to say to me that she wasn't bad, just drawn that way. It's a dumb Roger Rabbit reference that actually kind of always annoyed me. But I think in some cases it's very apt. These folks aren't bad people. And I know that. I am pretty sure you can figure out who you are.
2 comments:
whose ex-girlfriend told you that?
I've probably mentioned it before, but moving somewhere else to become someone different doesn't work. It's not any easier anyway, or maybe I should say it's just as easy to change yourself where you are than somewhere else. I know I've "put my time in and given up" on certain places I've lived, but it's never been the place that was the problem, it's always been me, and always will be.
Don't worry about sounding like you're complaining too much. Its therapeutic for you, and actually probably benefits others, too. The beauty of a blog is that the reader has total control over whether to go look at it or not. If you were bitching in emails to us everyday, we might have justification to get annoyed, but since we are making the conscious decision to read your thoughts we have only ourselves to blame if we get annoyed.
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