Horrible Week

This is hell week for me. The push for holiday gift cards for the entire Urban Outfitters website and catalogue divisions across all brands falls on my shoulders. I'm so tired and stressed out that I'm pretty much an asshole to be around 99% of the time. I've never been more anxious to get a holiday over with than I am with XMAS this year. I've managed to get most of my shopping done via the internet, but I've got a couple more things to grab before I can officially say I'm done.

To make matters worse I'm trying to figure out the situation with Punk Rock Baby. What I've learned in the past couple of weeks is that yeah, I like her and yeah, she likes me. And this is all well and good, but I'm concerned that she is super instense about things one day and the next day she is very standoffish and distant. Granted, I'm pretty intense myself, I am more than willing to take things to the next level rather quickly just to see if this can work, so I can't really blame her for being hot and cold. It's just that when I'm with her, man, it's just so good. I want to just stay in those moments for days and enjoy the hell out of it.

I guess I'm just expecting too much too soon. Afterall, she is living with her ex-boyfriend at the moment. The same guy that she was cheating on with me. I know that most folks would say that this is a recipe for disaster, once a cheater always a cheater, and I'd be lying if I said I don't think about that. And when she is cold instead of hot, my mind goes right there. The girl is very friendly with many, many guys, so it's hard for me to imagine that I'm only person who is interested in her. I always tell her that I'm not concerned about her talking or hanging out with other guys, which is partially true. I'm kind of confused about where my boundary is with that anyway? I'm not her boyfriend, so why should I get upset? But at the same time, I really want to be with her and when she says she wants to take it slow, I immediately think that it means "I'm not done weighing my options" and that she is getting ready to just tell me that she's done.

The last week or so we've been discussing the concept of her moving in with me. Mind you, this was her idea. And I've really got zero problems with that situation mainly because I feel great when she's around and if she's around all the time, then maybe I'll be feeling great all the time. Her living situation is not exactly the best in my opinion, the ex-boyfriend, the insecure best friend, dirty living space, and she is about to go to school in the Spring, so I'm thinking living here would be a help to her. Financially she is having some struggles as well, and I know first hand how financial troubles can fuck up your life and make you lose focus. So after some back and forth, I've come to this realization. When she's drunk living with me is the best solution. When she's sober, no way Jose. Now I don't care one way or the other, but when you go down the road of discussing living together before you have even defined what you relationship is....well, it just seems like there is work to be done. I'm fully committed right now to building a future with this girl, and that's a bold statement for me, but I want to know that I'm not wasting my time. I want to feel like I'm working towards something. Maybe I want to take things faster than she does and that is why I'm feeling all weird about shit? Like I said, I have a tendancy to move into the "relationship" stage very quickly. I know the right thing to do is to give her time to deal with her break up, focus on herself, allow us to develop organically as best friends first, but when I come home from a shitty day at work, I selfishly want her to be here for me. Maybe this just proves that I am insecure and in dire need of affection?

I sincerely hope that things with her and I move into the right direction. I feel as though we compliment each other and that we are good together. And I really think "we" can work. You can't rush greatness, now can you? I guess I need to relax and just remember to breathe when the shit gets to thick. Tomorrow is a new day...