Hot Topic, Pouring Rain and Vomit

This long strange trip I'm on gets more interesting every day. My long weekend is coming to a close and today I decided that for some reason I should see what the mall down here looks like. Newsflash: It looks like a mall. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so let me back up to what happened before I actually made it to the mall.

On my way down the front stairs of my building I ran into John (the gay Navy guy who lives downstairs) and another young kid who were frantically preparing for the eating contest that was going down at High Noon in the foyer of my building. John explained to me that Andrew (the young Marine in my building) was called out by a girl for being a pussy because he couldn't possibly eat 36 tacos from Taco Bell in an hour. Word of his challenge spread throughout the ranks at Fort Gordon and before too long people were volunteering to participate along side Andrew by eating other fast food gems like chicken nuggets and pizza. Eventually John became involved as sort of an impromptu host and he even went so far as to design and produce tee shirts for the participants. Glutton on Greene 2005 became the "it" event for a Tuesday at lunch time and I have the photographs to prove it.

4 gentlemen were going to try and eat various pre-determined amounts of fast food items within a window of time of 75 minutes. All gents were officially weighed in prior to the meal, for what reason I couldn't tell. The participants and their speciality item are outlined below.

Andrew - 36 total beef tacos (18 soft/18 hard shell)
Gallagher - 2 large Pizza Hut pizzas (1 deep dish with Pepperoni/1 plain regular)
Huellet - 36 Krystal burgers (imagine White Castle burgers)
Aaron - 75 Wendy's Chicken Nuggets with BBQ dipping sauce

Apparently these guys figured out the basic caloric intake of each and decided based on body size the appropriate amount each would need to consume. Aaron weighing in at 139 pounds only need to consumer 75 nuggets, Gallager was 30 lbs heavier and therefore had to eat pizza. I was in awe of the amount of pre-planning that went into this event. I'm also thankful that I stumbled upon it unfolding, espcially considering that my landlord even popped in mid-event to see what all the fuss was about. Truly a spectacle to behold. A bunch of people sitting around watching a bunch of people gorge themselves while Eye of the Tiger is blasting on a loop in the background. Cleary this event will lead to puking...and oh boy did it.

Mr. Nuggets blew his load at 46 deep and completely unloaded over our front porch. Mr. Taco didn't hit 20 before he was forcing himself to hurl just to "take away the pain." The smartest guy in the room was the Krystal burger guy who showed up late and took his good old time, only putting down about 12 before he called it quits. The clear winner was Mr. Pizza, but if you ask me eating two pies is nothing. If you want to see the tragedy unfold, check out my pictures.

To follow an act like this, I decided I needed to see the mall. After about 10 minutes I had seen enough and made some rash purchased at Hot Topic on my way out. Couple post cards, a Devil's Rejects pin and a Johnny Cash pin for my bag and some black shirts with bands on them. (What else would you expect from Hot Topic?) I'm now officially "that guy." The fat guy in his 30's wearing a System of a Down tee shirt to work. Ha. Anyway, the drive back from the mall was the scariest of my life as it was full on down pouring and the roads were flooded. I couldn't see anything and was scared to death. The rain here is unlike anything I've ever seen. Powerful and punishing....unless of course you are expecting it to wash away chicken nugget vomit.

Summer Cinema - Blowing Chunks

Two significant realizations were made today. One, movies should not be remade. Two, romantic comedies have run their course.

Let me first say that I didn't hate the Bad News Bears, aside from updating it to the year 2005, the script is the same and I loved the original. I rather found it unnecessary. Sure I laughed, but the movie made me think more about the classic version and how it was better on every level. And I'm not sure that's what Richard Linklater was intending. The kids are piss poor actors in this one. The new Tanner is a total rip off. The new Kelly has zero personality. And excuse me for flexing some pervert muscles here, Tatum O'Neal was a foxy little momma in the original, her replacement is clearly heading the way of college softball player (if you know what I mean). Overall, the rag tag squad is just boring in the remake. However, I did enjoy the new angles taken on Engelberg and Hooper. (I don't want to spoil it, but one kid is in a wheel chair and wheel chairs are funny.) The movie is very adult this time round, and Billy Bob Thorton is the man for the job proving in Bad Santa that he can work with kids and profanity just fine. What did concern me is that I'm not sure that Bad Santa and Morris Buttermaker are different people. Billy Bob is pretty much playing the same guy again, which in the grand scheme of things, didn't really bother me that much. I came away from this movie thinking to myself how does Billy Bob in the lead, Linklater behind the camera and a classic sports underdog story add up to just okay? Someone fucked up that's how. Never remake a movie that is already a classic. There is no point.

If you have been out to the theater lately you can't help but see the preview for the John Cusack/Diane Lane piece of shit Must Love Dogs. How played out is this formula? I mean come on now. Diane Lane is making a career off playing this really hot, 30 something who can't get laid and it's just all bullshit. And Cusack is getting puffy looking. I love him, but unless he has Jeremy Piven as his co-pilot in this type of movie, he's dead. Trust me, this movie will fail. And it sucks. You can tell by the preview. Speaking of which, how can you not want to see Reese Witherspoon play a dead doctor who falls in love with Mark Ruffalo from the beyond? Oh, did I mention that it's a comedy? And the ad actually says the following "and starring Napolean Dynamite's Jon Heder." Are you fucking serious? They are trying to use Napolean as a selling strategy for this hunk of sentimental horseshit? I nearly threw up on myself when I heard that. And another thing, Mark Ruffalo is quckly becoming a memory. The guy had such promise and now I'm thinking someone has filled his head with shit. 13 Going on 30 was cute, but dude don't make it your life. Leave that shit to Billy Crystal. Get back to basics and get in a decent movie. And not one where you wear a cheesy mustache.

Peter Jennings - Dead from Lung Cancer

This dude dying makes me feel old. I was never one to watch the evening news, but whenever my family did watch we always went with Peter Jennings. I guess part of that had to do with him being on ABC, since we always watched Action News on channel 6. Anyway, I never got into Brokaw and Rather much, even as an adult. And whenever something tragic or newworthy happened during the day time or night time, I would always choose to watch Peter. I guess you could say I liked him best. And he didn't look 67 at all? I guess I'm saying I'll miss him. So Long Peter!

The Dream

I'm half awake as I write this. Usually I have no interests in transcribing my dreams down, but I've had this same dream for years now and I'm starting to think maybe it means something significant.

The dream requires me to be walking through a vaguely familiar intercity neighborhood. Not quite the Fairmount section of Philadelphia, but more like the chunk of town right to the North of Fairmount. I usually begin the dream already walking towards my destination which is a house that is not exactly familiar to me. I have a sense in the dream of where it is, but my self in the dream never really "thinks" about the house too much. I don't know whose house it is, who lives there, why I am going there. All I do know is that is my destination. When the dream repeats every couple of months, I know right away where I am and what this dream is all about. The locations always look the same, and more times than not I'm running in the dream. The dream me is not more physically fit, and I'm now convinced that the running aspect of the dream has to do with fear of the neighborhood not a fitness program. There I am running through a sketchy area of town and I know exactly where I need to get to, a house located between 19th Street and 20th Street. I don't know the street name, but I'm oddly aware of what hundred block the house I'm after sits on. The thing is that in this dream I never actually find 19th Street, I find 21st, 22nd, dead ends. The dream consists of me just running and running through this section of the city, alone, exhausted and lost. The worst parts are when I make a wrong turn and get to a dead end in an alley. Or when I try to take a short cut through someone's house and they almost catch me. I never see anyone chasing me, but my dream self is convinced that some one is. Every time I wake from this dream I am still running and I never wind up where I was headed. There is no odd climax or happy ending.

So there it is, the repeating dream. I assume it's a metaphor for my life. That I'm searching for something that I haven't found yet in life. Or that I cannot find the destination because I'm trying too hard to find it. I am not one to consult dream analysis books or anything like that, but if you have an opinion to offer, please do. I'm not scared by the dream, just kind of spooked by the repitition of it in exact detail.

Feeling Nostalgic?

I find it funny how spending money on seemingly worthless things makes me feel better sometimes. For instance, I bought a friend back home something that I'm sure will make her happy and the act of buying it for her made me happy. I'm like that, all giving and shit. Part of my nice guy charm that is like Kryptonite to all persons with vaginas. In re-reading the first sentence of this post, I realize that I may have inferred that what I bought this lovely lady is worthless, but that's not the case at all. What provoked this entry was the online purchase I just made of badges, or pinbacks if you will, from a random live journal site I stumbled across. $20 secured me 25 buttons that I will no doubt fasten to my brand new Old Navy courier bag (the one I bought yesterday for $4.97) along side the existing buttons displaying the cast of Ferris Bueller's Day Off and a Billy Idol that have adorned my old bags for the past year. I have no idea why I started putting pins on my bag, I guess part of it was my way of rebelling from being a stock broker. I'm kind of like a 12 year old girl sometimes, in that I buy and support the silliest things. In any case, I'm kind of excited about my new badges.

I think what lead me to even looking for badges online was the reading I have been doing this weekend of the new Chuck Klosterman book. There isn't a passage about badges in it, but the book itself makes me nostalgic and reminds me of my younger days. And in my younger days I wore buttons on my trenchcoat just like any other misunderstood alterna-kid struggling to survive in the waste land known as catholic high school. If you haven't read any of Klosterman's works, I humbly request that you do. It's easy reading, very disgestable and pop culture filled. I'm sure my friends from college would all get a kick out of this guy and his observations on music, drugs and women. Ever since I read Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs last year, I've been touting the good name of Klosterman to all who will listen. For me, reading what he writes is like a kick in the balls. As a journalism student who had ambitions of writing about pop culture as a career, I feel like the ultimate failure. Everything this guys writes about is something that I should have written about. Our style is similiar, our observations are incredibly in sync. I want to be Chuck Klosterman. Anyway, I have thought to myself that this is a guy who went through the same experiences, the same change in tastes at precisely the same time that I did. We both went to high school in the 80's, explored college, grunge and weed at the same time. It's like we have been living parallel lives, orbiting each other. Although I have never met the man, nor do I think I would want to, I was happy to read in his latest book that he spent the summer of 1994 in Minneapolis and frequented a bar there that I know I played in that very same summer. It's entirely possible that a guy who is now a rock critic for Spin magazine was in attendance at one of my gigs, my new literary hero was in the same room as me and I had no clue. I can only hope that he was and he had the ability to recognize how incredibly talentless we were. Maybe one day he'll even write about it.

Small Step Forward

In case you were wondering, I never made it to Virginia Beach for my rest and relaxation. Nope. Things just don't seem to ever work out like they should for me. It's something I should get used to at this point. I'm not really in the mood to discuss the why behind my not going, but let me say that it was very disheartening to hear from both my Dad and my sister yesterday. They were both quite upset that I wouldn't be joining in the family fun this weekend, and I'm certain they were more upset because they thought I needed it. And I did. Oh well, another time perhaps?

Considering the change of plans, I've been basically bouncing around my city here and trying to remain positive and hopeful. There is really not a whole lot going on here, so I have to constantly lower my expectations. Yesterday I did some shopping at Old Navy for some clothes, toyed with the idea of buying the mini MAC since I have been having so many problems with my eMac down here, got Dad a birthday present that I need to Fedex him tomorrow and finished off a very uneventful day by drinking Heinekens in my lounge chair and chatting online to anyone who would have me.

Today, when I awoke, I was determined to not let another day of misery overtake me and I decided to just grab my camera and get in the car. Destination unknown. How daring! I went down to the Savannah River (a mere 3 blocks from my house) and rolled into the Fort Discovery Center, basically a second rate Franklin Institute. It sucked. Cheesey exhibits, a terrible movie about Space, a total nightmare. But at least I did something. I left the house. Of course, seeing families out as a unit having a good time made me sad. I really wanted to see my niece and nephew this weekend. I think the hardest part of moving away from family is the kids. I can talk to my brothers and sisters and parents on the phone or online, but the kids....man I miss seeing their faces. The way the unconditionally love me is a comfort I have come to rely on, especially when I feel down.

Anyway, I'm planning on keeping this post upbeat, so let's move on. I took some shots today and put together a little set on Flickr, so click the link if you want to browse. I plan on doing some more exploring today, since it's relatively early yet. Maybe a movie, maybe just a nice walk. Keep on moving...that's the way I have to be.

Embarrassingly Awkward

Jessica Simpson singing "These Boots are Made for Walking" is a train wreck. The song has been destroyed and is almost unrecognizable, the video for it is trash and someone please tell me what the hell Willie Nelson mixed with his weed to commit to this abortion? I am honestly scared of Jessica Simpson. It's like a living doll. Like Chuckie. She's not real.

Why do I want to bang her though?

Yank!

So I had my consultation today with the oral surgeon. I'm looking at over a grand to get the fucking broken tooth out. Apparently he wants to remove those 2 remaining wisdom teeth while he's in there fucking around with this broken one. And I have to go under which blows. I'll need to recruit someone from here to sit in the lobby for 90 minutes and drive me home after the surgery. How the hell am I going to do that? I don't know anyone here. The good news is that there is no rush...since the remaining portion of the tooth that is left in my mouth is dead from root canal. I feel like my life here is like Groundhog Day. Every day I get up ready to tackle the world and I walk 2 feet and a piano falls on my head.

R&R

In an effort to cleanse myself of all the worry and stress I've been dealing with lately (see pretty much every post since I moved to Georgia) I'm off to Virginia Beach for the next couple days to see my Dad and my sister Crystal and her family. I'm convinced that those bastard movers are going to call me Monday when I'm in VA and tell me that they are coming Tuesday so I have to hustle back on the fly. Who am I kidding? They aren't calling.

I'm truly hoping that this little trip gets me into a better place mentally. I have really withdrawn from doing anything here, I'm not mentally committing to this relocation thing. I guess the whole bad experience with the punk chick and the constant swarm of creepy dudes that always seem to surround my posse of girls put me off to the idea of going out. Tonight I intentionally avoiding phone calls because I'm just not good company. And I don't want to be like that. I promised myself I was going to make this work and be a different person once I moved. I need this time away to help me refocus on that goal.

Wish me luck.

You're Invited!

Let's have a pity party!

We can all get together and focus on all the shit that is wrong with my life and drink. It'll be a fucking blast!

We can discuss my social anxiety and how it prevents me from doing almost anything remotely social.

We can reflect on how I'm "such a nice guy" and a "genuine" person who always seems to end up on the shit end of the stick with the ladies.

We can dwell on my empty apartment and think of how some family in Mexico is at this very moment going through old Bloodhound Gang memorabilia and sitting on my fucking desk chair.

We can openly analyze how I am underperforming at work to the point of being second choice to a dead beat dad for a job that I'm now miraculously "qualified" to do.

We can think about all the times I should have made a move on the girl of my dreams.

We can talk about my family and force me to think about how much I miss them.

We can speak of my jealous nature, my obsession with my female friends, how I am a complete failure at most of what I try to do, my poor diet, my horrible attitude, my incessant need to "hate" everything, my prejudices towards all people, the way I creepily eye women like some sort of sexual predator, my inability to keep in touch with all of my friends far and wide, my distrust of mankind and my missing tooth.

I'm slipping into madness. And I'm convinced it has everything to do with my inability to coax my moving company to just bring me my fucking shit. I'm like compulsive with thinking about not having my shit here. I am starting to reduce the amount of sleep I get each night and I sit in the dark and ponder strategies on how I can get my stuff. Do I arm myself and drive to New Jersey to fuck some people up? Do I admit defeat and just consider this another blood soaked kick in the face? Do I turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and just keep calling and calling the movers and leaving hatefilled voicemails? God, I just want to move on and try to exist here in Georgia. I feel like my life is stuck on pause...and clearly this is not good. Pause equates to lots of time to think about how fucked up I am.

I'm this fucking close to getting on Zoloft.

Knocked Out

My new role is kicking my ass. I have so much to learn and I'm trying as best I can to learn on my own, but it's been long days, no lunches and neverending thus far. I'm spent when I get home and last night I was asleep at 10:30 PM. I don't think I've gone to bed that early willingly since I was 7 years old.

I am kind of happy with my team now though. I have a ton of people that are career minded and really want to work hard which is nice. I think overall they are starting to respect me and get me a little more each day. My number one star is a lovely young mother of two named Melissa who is so much like my sister Crystal it's kind of scary. Melissa is 5 feet of determination and has one of each at home just like my sis. Working with a clone of Crystal makes me homesick but happy all at once. A lot of my team are young mothers, some in bad marriages or going through divorces, so they are opening me up to a side of life that I'm not used to dealing with. I have to remember kids names instead of boyfriends names like in Philly.

Aside from working until I'm exhausted, I am still attempting to contact someone at the moving company that a) can tell me where my shit is and b) gives a rat's ass about my stuff. Today I talked to a guy who transferred me into a voicemail box. I have been emailing, leaving messages on voicemail and no one is getting back to me. My message today indicated that if I don't hear back by 5 PM tomorrow with a resolution I am taking police action. Which essentially means I'm getting Crystal's husband Jim to call and rattle some cages. Having a cop in the family comes in handy sometimes. Considering I'm planning a trip to visit my sister and her family at my Dad's in VA this weekend, I kind of need to know when my stuff is coming, if it's coming at all. With my luck I'll coax them into rushing shit down here so that they want to deliver it this weekend and I'll have to scrap my vacation.

In closing I want to say that in the midst of all the bullshit I had to deal with today I got a text message from my friend Katie in Philly related to an order she placed with our website. The message read as follows "Get my order to ship and I'll show you my knockers." It was just what I needed. God I miss that chick.

Double Dose of Indie Cinema

The Devil's Rejects is a movie that I had the highest of expectations for and I guess maybe they were too high. Don't get me wrong, I still love Rob Zombie's disgusting and exploitative style of horror, but the movie was very disjointed and a tad too long for my tastes. Sidenote: I'm totally in love with this wife Sheri Moon based completely on her portrayal of Baby in both this movie and the first saga House of 1,000 Corpses. The feel of the movie is all 70's right down to the sweet soundtrack, and I have to give it up to Rob for busting out so many old faces from yesteryear like Geoffrey Lewis (Juliet's Dad and Clint Eastwood's sidekick in the early 80's), Priscilla Barnes (Three's Company), Deborah Van Valkenburgh (Too Close For Comfort, the eldest daughter of Ted Knight), Ginger Lynn Allen (my favorite porn star from the 80's) and PJ Soles (Riff Randell in Rock n Roll High School). The clever casting, and the things he has these folks do, just add another demonic layer to the whole movie for a guy like me who recognized each and every one of these "cameos" if you will. Rob Zombie is a sick fuck and I love him, but maybe he should have focused more on the script and less on the cool factor? I'll give it a B-.

Hustle and Flow triumphs simply because Terrence Howard is amazing as a pimp/wannabe rapper. I'm putting this performance up there as a one of those that takes an actor from here to HERE. Like Ed Norton in Primal Fear or Kevin Spacey in Usual Suspects. People will be seeing a lot more from Terrence Howard thanks to this movie. Although I'm no fan of rap music, at least not the dirty, dirty kind illustrated throughout Hustle and Flow, I wasn't as turned off to it as I would have thought. The movie plays out like 8 Mile in that it's a rapper's struggle story. The authenticity of the pimp and ho scenes are kind of scary and the locale of North Memphis is captured in all it's gritty nastiness. The entire cast really delivers performances that feel completely real. Another concern I had going in was that I wasn't going to buy into Anthony Anderson and DJ Qualls in their rolls as producer and beat maker respectively, but I had no trouble once they committed to their characters. I'll even say that Taryn Manning put herself out there as DJay's number one whore Nola and convinced me that she was above Crossroads with Britney Spears. The film is a little predictable, but I still came away with a smile on my face and a need to listen to some Ying Yangs twins. Let's say B+.

Snapshots of Augusta Living

Everyone has been on me about pictures from the Southland. Well, I am happy to report that I actually busted out the camera today and took a couple of shots. I'm going to be more dedicated to traveling around with my camera and snapping shots here and there...considering it's one of the few possessions I have here, I should probably use it.

I Think It's Funny

This has made work more fun than usual. (Sarcasm dripping...)

The Anti-Defamation League has asked retailer Urban Outfitters to stop selling a T-shirt that reads:

"New Mexico, Cleaner than Regular Mexico."

I find this shirt to not only speak the truth, but to be very funny. It's all in the name of humor for fuck's sake. What happened to freedom of speech? We make the shirt, if people don't like it they won't buy it and we will get rid of it. Instead, we cater to these fucking groups that pressure us to stop selling the shirt. Ridiculous.

However, not as ridiculous as the amount of people who have called to complain about the shirt to me. Like I can do anything about it. I find myself actually smiling when people are going on and on about insensitive the shirt is. Why? Because the shirt makes me laugh. I'm sorry. It does.

Walk The Line - Trailer

Holy fucking HOT SHIT! Mr. Phoenix may have just eclipsed his deceased brother River as the finer actor based on his upcoming portayal of my hero Johnny Cash. The voice is dead on, he is actually singing the songs (unlike Jamie Foxx) and Reese Witherspoon doesn't seem too annoying as June Carter. I'm kind of excited about this...

Turn of Events

So things just got interesting in the work world. I am moving over to a new position with a Mon-Fri 8 AM - 5 PM schedule as of this coming Monday. Seems like maybe I'm beginning to actually earn some respect there and might be used to my full capabilities after all. It's gonna be more work, but the people are strong on my team and I'm looking forward to the new endeavor.

Mid Summer Reality TV Update

Okay, Princes of Malibu is cancelled trash...but there is much more out there that should wind up off the tube and with a quickness. Two of the biggest "who gives a fuck" - fests are I Want to be a Hilton and The Cut starring Kathy Hilton and Tommy Hilfiger. These idiots should let their kids do the reality shows and they should stick to doing whatever it is they do. The whole Apprentice routine is old news, so much so that I'm sure the Martha Stewart show coming this fall is going to be a snooze fest.

I really have zero interest in watching that new dancing shit, especially after my man J, Peterman got robbed on Celebrity Ballroom last week. I'm gonna wait for Rize on DVD instead and if I want to see dancing on TV, I'll watch Soul Train and beat off to the hot sistas and asians busting a nasty groove.

A show that I thought was pathetic and kind of exploitative has turned out to be quite enjoyable actually. The whole INXS Rockstar show is a bit of a train wreck, especially considering that Michael Hutchence offed himself in such an awkward way, but I find myself tuning in and actually rooting for a couple of folks. Don't ask me what the fuck Dave Navarro knows about being a singer in a band...he's sort of a bit of a chauvinistic midget too, always calling the gals "sweetheart" and shit...but I'm not sure I understand why they even have women audition to be in INXS. I guess it's in the interest of fairness or ratings, but honestly do you think anyone other than the Black Dude (TY), the Aussie (MIG) or the Psycho from Canada (JD) has a shot? I'd fuck the hell out of Jessica Robinson, but she ain't singing in no INXS. Not in my lifetime.

Big Brother has sucked me back in as usual this summer. Fucking Kayser is the bomb. Nothing beats a ruthless Iraqi beating up on a cocky Firefighter. CBS knew exactly what they were doing with this cast, and I'm loving it. I'm down with the new alliance of 6 and honestly wouldn't mind seeing Kayser win the shit. However, it's early. Too early to tell whether this new alliance can last. But watching them turn the tables on Pappy tonight was priceless. I was actually giddy.

Final TV thought: Andy Milonakis is funny for like 10 seconds. And this little prick gets his own show? I'm way funnier than he is. Seriously.

Rambling Man

It's been a while since I just ranted about various shit, so here it goes...

1) Entourage is the best show on TV. Hands down. However, I thought Mandy Moore looked like shit during her cameo this week. Sorry baby...but I speak the truth.

2) Joolie and I have come up with a strategy to launching our tee shirt company. I came up with a catchy name and we are going to set about creating a buzz in Augusta by plastering stickers up with our logo. Joolie is working on some logo ideas now, but soon enough Poison Scooter will be a reality. Eventually we hope to design, produce and distribute tee shirts online and within some of the local tattoo shops around town. Yet another forray that will most likely lead to zero wealth, but a man has to have a hobby.

3) My ISight camera is up and running, but there ain't no motherfuckers online with a webcam that I know besides Brother Mike who is only online once a millenium. All you fools need to buy one so you can watch me sit in my lounge chair in underwear while I'm chatting with you.

4) Princes of Malibu was cancelled today due to low ratings. I'm embarassed that I actually Tivo'd that shit. No, I'm seriously embarassed.

5) My fantasy football league is looking like it might be an actual sucess this year. I have 12 strong and the transition to an online draft is going rather smoothly. Now if only the Eagles could promise me that TO is going to play...I have the 8th pick and Owens looks good there.

6) Augusta is full of cockroaches. I haven't had to deal with this many cockroaches since I lived with the wacky Japanese dude back in 1994. I fucking hate cockroaches. I bummed some spray shit off Joolie that she says works like a charm. We'll see. Cockroaches are fucking bullet proof.

7) I am so annoyed with myself. Yesterday I was too hung over to go see Devil's Rejects and I heard it was awesome. I am going Saturday afternoon for sure. Might even double feature with Bad News Bears.

Glimmer of Hope

Last night was really the first night I let loose in my new hometown and enjoyed myself. I'm mega hungover as a result, but I'll survive. Augusta is basically a small city compared to Philly, the entire downtown area encompasses about 12 city blocks. Downtown is where the magic happens on the weekends, all the bars are within walking distance of each other and lucky for me, I live only 2 blocks off the stretch. Until last night however, I didn't take advantage of my location and hadn't really spent much time at any of the local watering holes. What drew me out last night was the promise of a Weezer tribute band called El Scorcho playing at a place called Soulbar. Considering my love for Weezer, I figured that even if they were cheesy or pathetic, at least I know that I like the songs. Anyhow, I'm pleased to report that these guys were EXCELLENT. The only guy who really resembles a member of Weezer is the Rivers Cuomo guy and he looks just like him....which is borderline frightening to me. Did he make himself look like Rivers or did he already and decide to capitalize on that? Either scenario is just plain odd to me. But getting back to the music, these guys come out and do the Blue album straight through from beginning to end in the order of the CD. The place was packed, everyone was eating it up, there was even slow dancing during the softer songs...a great time was had by all. Syd and I even slow danced like high schoolers during Say It Ain't So, all spread apart and shit. It was fun as hell to just let loose and get drunk and fucking enjoy myself for once.

Sidenote: I'm not sure if hanging out with a group of really hot girls is a help or a hindrance yet. Sydney, Lindsey and Joolie attract a lot of attention from the guys down here and that kind of puts me this awkward position since I'm platonically hanging out with the girls all the guys want to fuck. Most of the guys seem to envy my relationship with them, so it's not that bad. I'm just wondering if I'm going to be able to find a nice girl for myself if I'm always hanging out with a bunch of cute girls. I was realizing last night after about 8 Stella Artois that I think what I miss most about home is the male camaraderie. I don't have any guy friends down here and I'm not sure I'm going to bond with the guys who I meet that are focused on banging my female friends.

Man Crush

I am going to admit something today that may shock you. I love Vince Vaughn. There I said it. I don't know what it is about him, but I think he is just incredibly likeable. Sometimes I dream that I'm in his circle of friends and we hang out and joke and drink and cruise chicks. And the Wilson brothers are there and so is Will Ferrell. And Ben Stiller will occasionally pop in to quietly observe us all while holding hands with Christine. Usually in these dreams at some point Vince will pull me aside and say something sincere to me like "you are the best" or "you are the funniest guy in the room" and I get a sleep smile as wide as an ocean. I'm not sure that my feelings demonstrate that I'm gay, but I do know that my feelings for Vince are not sexual. I love him like I love a really good movie or a great song.

Wedding Crashers wasn't superb, but it was bawdy and laugh out loud funny. Exactly what I needed today to ease my mind and allow some of the bad energy from work to disappear. Vince's impeccable delivery and style always make the dumb comedy seem that much funnier. I can see myself quoting from this film just like Old School or Napoleon Dynamite, the lines are just that priceless. If you want a good laugh, go check it out.

Not Dead Yet

So my consultation with the new dentist was brief and painless yesterday morning. Essentially I broke a tooth that had a root canal and a crown put over it and now I need surgery to remove the broken "stub" of the tooth from my mouth. Then I'll need a Bridge put in since the tooth in question is a lower right molar and is needed to chew food. Awesome. I'm guessing this will run me in the thousands with my superior dental coverage from work. Yee-haw!!! The silver lining is that there is no rush since the tooth had root canal done, there is no pain and it can stay in my mouth broken for as long as I like. Like the people at work say..."see, you are starting to fit in down here."

Missing teeth. Get it? Fucking hillbilly humor is incredible.

So I finally got my ass to Comp USA to buy another "back up" external hard drive for all my photos and mp3s, but the original Lacie is not working again on my computer. So I may now own 2 external hard drives with nothing on either. I've been trying the same shit that worked last time, unplugging everything and seeing if my computer will jumpstart the Lacie, but so far no luck.

I got into a shouting match with the movers yesterday at work and called them out for being liars and scam artists. Again, the folks I work with that are oh so nice, informed me that now I'll never see my stuff again. They have convinced me that I've provoked the movers into now intentionally dragging their feet, although the guy I yelled out promised me that my shit was going to be on a truck Monday headed this way. Since I have no choice in the matter, I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

My washer has arrived and now I have in apartment laundry facilities. Yeah! I can't wait to do wash this weekend. Pathetic.

Today is my 10th day at work in the last 11 days and I cannot wait to be off this weekend. Even if I sit around my empty apartment and mope, it's better than being there. I do have plans to see a Weezer cover band around the corner called El Scorcho Saturday night that I'm looking forward to. But that's over 24 hours away and a lot can happen in 24 hours.

Shit Parade

Recap of today:

Wake up early.
Decide to go to Best Buy since I have 2 hours to kill before work.
See flat tire on car in parking lot of my apartment.
Change flat tire in 100 degree temps.
Sweat through shirt.
Get tire fixed for free at Firestone around the corner. (Some things in the South are cool.)
Make it to work just on time.
No Best Buy.
Liquid diet still in effect considering missing tooth situation.
Hear from pyscho punker chick who informs me she is running away to Atlanta.
Cut loose punked chick who is too unstable for me to deal with right now.
Actually accomplish some shit at work that makes me feel the slightest bit better about my life.
Drive over to Joolie's after work to lift up her TV from the ground and put it on a stand.
Come home to empty apartment and consider suicide.

That brings us to now...

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

This movie sucked.

Give me Gene Wilder, delightful songs, green Oompa Loompas and 70's technology. Johnny Depp is an amazing actor, but he just isn't able to pull of anything more than a sad impression of Michael Jackson in this film. And why do movies nowadays always have to go the CGI route and do cartoony looking shit? I was so pumped to see this movie and wanted it to be good, but it's just kind of crappy.

Dethroned

I have been really suffering physically lately down here in GA. I'm dropping weight really quickly, but it's more to do with stress than an actual regime. I'm not eating a lot, and I'm constantly on the go here. I've had headaches, diarrhea all the time, my anxiety keeps cropping up....I'm basically a mess. And then tonight while I'm biting into a fucking cookie, a fucking crown in my mouth comes out. What a nightmare. Now I have this gaping, and disgusting, hole in my mouth and I am now going to have to add to my list of worries a fucking dental emergency.

This week has blown and it's Monday night, er Tuesday morning. I have a plumber coming, the cable guy coming back out to see what the deal with me always losing my connection and now I have to arrange for a dentist visit. And oh yeah, I have to work every day until this weekend. And oh yeah, my stuff is no closer to arriving and now my so-called gal pal had her cell phone cut off, so I have no clue if she is alive or dead.

I'm living the dream.

Yahoo's Word of the Day

chaos
DEFINITION: (noun) disorder, confusion, chance
EXAMPLE: The first few moments after the explosion were pure chaos: no one was sure what had happened, and the area was filled with people running and yelling.

SYNONYMS: bedlam, disarray, pandemonium

This about sums up my job. Well, until today. I'm closing tonight and it's been relatively painless. Maybe the staff is coming around and starting to get it? What ever it is, I'm happy to see it.

Define...Girlfriend.

Considering the past week's events related to my personal life I have been trying to determine if in fact I have a girlfriend or not. This may seem like a simple question, but I'm not so sure about my status at this point. I've put together a list of indicators that make me think I do have one and then some that make me think I don't. Have a look.

I have a girlfriend because...

...when I get out of work and I'm driving home, she calls me right on schedule. Like every night.

...that last few nights this call has lead into a "come over" situation that I have complied with.

...when we are at her friend's house hanging out we practically sit on top of each other and are slightly and pathetically lovey dovey at times.

I'm not sure I have a girlfriend because...

...she doesn't want to come over my house to hang out. I assume since she may feel that will lead to sex, even though with my 12 year old like prowess, that is highly unlikely.

...she sometimes doesn't say much in my presence to reveal what she is truly all about. The mystery woman thing is kind of hot, but at the same time it's giving her the upper hand.

...sometimes when we part she says things like "I don't want to hurt you" and "please wait for me", the latter of which is related to her trying to get her shit together before moving into something with me full steam. Maybe this belongs in the list above, but something doesn't seem right about these little asides which concerns me.

I'm not really sure what the hell is going on or where this is going to lead, but I am honestly glad that I have someone that I can unwind with and watch Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Work is sucking my soul out of me and I always feel ill when I'm there. Last night my gums were bleeding and I know my hair is falling out and I had intense bouts of diarrhea all because I am miserable at work. Stressed isn't even a strong enough word to describe what I am right now. But I do know that when I'm around her I feel a little bit better and that's okay for now.

Where is my shit? No really, where is it?

Still no word from the movers about the whereabouts of my entire life. I'm sick of lunchmeat and using plastic silverware. I'm sick of not having a desk and desk chair. I'm sick of watching my flat screen that is propped up on a cardboard box. I want my shit to be here already.

On the plus side, obsessing over my shit not arriving takes away from constantly thinking about how shitty my job is right now. It's seriously like working in a MASH unit or an ER. I'm busy from the minute I arrive until the minute I step outside at 10 PM. If I actually leave there on time that is. And today was just the best. Our building is located in Tornado alley and apparently one was touching down about 3 miles from the place today. We had power outages all day long. Fucking nightmare.

I was so pissed about work that on the way home I called "the girl" to see how she was doing? I guess I was really just calling to see if she was on the junk and I'm happy to say she seemed just fine to me. But I'm a horrible judge of character...just look at my friends. Kidding. Anyway, we talked about getting together on Sunday. I really want to see some boobies again. I'm shallow. I know. Sorry.

Junkie Love

I may be swapping spit with a junkie. Awesome.

A girl who works for me has a baby with the step-brother of my precious and she heard the word that I was messing around with her and decided to warn me. I'm like 2 weeks out from appearing on Springer, aren't I?

For safety purposes, I am pulling the plug on this pseudo relationship. Something is just not right. Either she is an addict and wants to steal my shit or she is upset with her boyfriend and is kissing up on me to make him mad. It's gotta be one or the other...chicks just don't dig me.

It was fun. A lot of fun. Fuck.

Disaster Averted

Big ups to Brother Mike who figured out how to dial a phone and gave me the information necessary to fix my hard drive issues. Ironically enough, unplugging things and waiting five minutes was the "technical support" I was in need of getting. Speaking of disasters, the new Surreal Life and the Austin Real World are both out of control.

Musical Meltdown

Something really horrible has happened to me. I was tugging at my MAC, trying to inch it closer to the outdoor lounge chair that I'm currently using as a desk chair, and my external hard drive fell off the window sill. I guess the Porche design Lacie employed didn't prevent it from knocking something loose in it because it ain't working when I plug it in. What does this mean?

Well, I have 7000 songs on it and pretty much every picture I've ever snapped and all my passwords for websites. Pretty much my entire fucking life is in this little box. The one guy I know can help me isn't calling me back and I'm freaking out. Lacie's website was useless and the original box for the item, which I have, doesn't have a manual or anything. Ahhhhhhh!

Without my Itunes, I'm totally fucked. Down here there is one alternative rock station and that's about all I can stomach on the radio. Thankfully this alt-rock station doesn't have any DJ's, so it's pretty much non-stop music. The downside is that apparently Alice and Chains are sitll thriving as a current band in Augusta. And that My Chemical Romance track is on repeat all fucking day long. So much so that I'm certain I know all the words to it just by happenstance.

Someone send help.

Maybe I Will Make It Down Here?

I think I might have figured out what Darwin was on about with this Evolution ramblings. I've been thrust into this new world and forced to either survive or die and I'm choosing to survive. The Philadelphia verison of myself would always hide amongst the safety of the pack and not really make bold moves, but down here if I don't step up my game I'm going to spend a lot of time alone in my big apartment drinking. So...

I really hit it off with this girl that I met a few weeks ago when I was down here to help with training the new staff. She's a punk rocker chick, piercings and an attitude included, and all of 19 years old. Now I know what you are thinking, Skip's just looking for trouble, but let me tell you a 19 year old in the South with no husband or kid is a miracle. The girls are fucking at 14 and divorcing at 18, so it's not as crazy as you think for me to be into this young thang. Although I will admit that I do have a proclivity for the youngsters that is well documented.

In any case, the old Yankee Skip would most likely oggle this girl while at work and do nothing about it except always consider "what if" scenarios in his head while at work, or in bed at night. Some of that has to do with the fear of romancing someone in the work place, especailly given my position and the other part is fear of rejection, of which I'm a brown belt at. Lucky for me that girl in question decided to quit the job after 4 full days of work and is no longer "off limits" as such.

Again, the old Skip would have probably just let her move on with her life and move onto another girl to crush on from afar. The Southland verison of Skip is completely different. The new Skip is fearless and clawing to survive in this crazy place and he is the guy who immediately saw an opportunity to pursue a girl that is 100% desirable and possibly even attainable. From what I have been able to figure out about the South, things like wife beating and being unfaithful are common place. A yankee like me that has a heart of gold is an asset, even despite my physical shortcomings. I speculated that this would be the case when I was coming down here on visits, but now I can confirm that it's the real deal.

When the word came down that my little punk rock baby quit the job, I immediatley called her and said that I wanted to hang out with her regardless of her work status with my company. I told her the truth and that is I don't know many people here and I don't want to lose contact with the one person I do know and like. What shocked me the most was that her response was "what took you so long to call me" and not "you are kind of creepy". We made some tentative plans for Saturday, of which I mentioned previous to this post, but when the time came for me to step it up I freaked out. Some things about the old Skip are still pushing through....like being scared shitless of being in an uncomfortable situation. My new friend called me at 6 PM to come over her apartment and drink with her and some "friends". From the sound of it, these friends were all male in sex and I wasn't looking to put myself into a spot like that before I really had a chance to know her better. So I blew her off.

Looking back on it, I am guessing that was where I went right. Again, the old Skip probably would have went over to the place, had a panic attack and split early or would have quickly become a center of ridicule by all participants (including the object of my desire). I decided that if she really wants to hang with me, then I'll wait for a better time. One when she and I can get together just to talk. Instead I just stayed in and drank some beer alone wondering if I was making the right move blowing off this one and only new friend I had in town. Thankfully at 11 PM the phone rang and the voice on the other side said in a drunken slur "can I come over to your place and get away from these people?"

Hell yeah! Fast forward a couple hours of talk and flirting and next thing you know I'm making out on my couch (the one I built from scratch earlier in the day) unitl the wee hours of the morning like a high schooler. Naturally I didn't make the first move, since I'm incapable of doing so, but I was quick to participate once the action picked up. I can't beleive my luck. I'm here for a week and I found a girl who doesn't mind making out with me? Will wonders never cease? So anyway, maybe I will make it down here afterall?

Week One: The Highlights/Lowlights

I'm back online for real now, so let's discuss my first full week as a resident of Georgia.

My apartment is very spacious and I like that. I live in a big old mansion that has been converted into a bunch of apartments. I've met most of the residents and for the most part I'm surrounded by military guys. John is the gay Navy Arabic translator who works nights, Andrew is the 21 year old drunk in the Navy, then there is mystery Navy guy who splits town on the weekends to visit his family somewhere not in Georgia. The chick next door is MIA thus far, probably home for the summer since she is in college. The guy upstairs is older and moved in a couple days after me, goes by the name Matt and has Florida plates...not real sure about his deal. John went to Temple Bucks and lived in PenDel, so we clicked right away. In fact my very first night I was on the roof of the building next door drinking beers and lighting fireworks with both John and Andrew. Our schedules don't line up very often, but when we are here in the house/apartment building everyone is kind of social.

I've spent a lot of time here shopping for shit. Target and Walmart are like my only friends. And oh, the movie theater has seen some of me lately as well. (War of the Worlds was good, Mr. and Mrs. Smith was too long) But getting back to shopping, I'm realizing that I should have probably just rented a Uhaul and drove my shit here since my movers seem in no rush to actually deliver my possessions to me. Last check I received a very luke warm "possibly Wednesday" from the guy in charge. I've been purchasing little things here and there to get me by...and the amount of little shit that you realize you need really can add up. I also went a tad crazy at Best Buy on Sunday last and grabbed a flat screen HDTV for a grand. I'm considering it a moving away present to myself. I'm propping it up on a cardboard box at the moment, so it doesn't seem all that flashy...but just wait until I get this place up to snuff....PIMPING is gonna be the word du jour my friends. To make it without cable I've been plowing through Season One of Scrubs, a show I never watched once and apparently really like a lot. And I also bought Monty Python and the Holy Grail to occupy my free time.

Which brings me to my next point...this week sucked. Flipping the switch on Tuesday to an entirely green staff was a big mistake for my company. I've been working crazy hours, no lunches and I'm on my feet all fucking day long answering the same questions over and over again. The staff are slightly less educated and it is completely apparent to our customers. Instead of the usual escalated calls from customers to complain about not getting their order in a timely fashion, I'm now having to listen to women tell me that they think they just spoke with a retarded person. The sad reality is that I'm not sure that she didn't just speak to a retarded person. Everyone is either lazy or obnoxious or chock full of drama that it's pissing me off. In fact the few people that I would consider smart or kind of cool have already walked off the job this week. I'm basically running around all day that I haven't really had a chance to reflect on the whole mess, but I can say this...I'm not going to be friends with my staff like I was in Philly. I will basically be a teacher, grading and taking roll each day and failing the dummies. I was hoping to maybe find a couple folks to befriend at work, but that is looking slim...and without friends here, I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I'm about to have a 3 day weekend, one that thankfully contains cable and internet, a bed, blinds and a sofa that needs to be constructed in the morning. I have a shitload of wash to do and need to locate a laundry mat which should keep me busy. I'm also planning on seeing Land of the Dead with Joolie on Sunday. Joolie appears to be making the best of the move and has met some people that she is hanging out with pretty much every night. Sometimes I wish I was more trusting of people I don't know or more outgoing like she is. I don't want to wind up always tagging along with her to shit like her mongoloid brother or something. The one person I did meet at work that I planned to hang with quit today before I even got in. Although she rolled, she has my cell number and says she is gonna call me to hang out this weekend...but I'm not banking on it. If she does call, I'm sure you will hear all about it.

Deep, Dark South

I'm not going to lie, it's been rough. I'm lonely, very tired and hot all the time and I don't have a bed to sleep in, blinds on my windows or any of the comforts of home like internet, cable TV or food in the fridge. But I'm surviving...

I'm almost able to get around the area without getting horribly lost. And I should have cable installed Friday morning. I'm hoping I have blinds in the windows tonight when I get home from work. And maybe, just maybe my movers will call me tomorrow and tell me that my entire life will arrive before Monday of next week. I'm dying to get organized since I suffer from OCD and until I do I'll be unsettled.

I hope to be able to blab all about the crazy south this weekend...stay tuned.

Unplugged

I am about to unplug the computer and I'm not sure when I will go live again. I'm heading out tonight or tomorrow for Georgia and at this time I haven't yet lined up the whole internet thing. Enjoy your holiday weekend! My plans include watching Season 1 of Scrubs on DVD and hitting up the movies for at least War of the Worlds and Land of the Dead. Look for future reviews!

Georgia here I come!

Well, That Was Fun...

Burned a vacation day to wait 13 hours for my movers to show up yesterday. Fun times. When they arrived at 9 PM, it took them all of 75 minutes to load the truck since I'm a professional packer. Moving basically every year since 1989 will teach you a think or two about packing up your shit.

As I was drifting off to sleep on my mattress in my barren room it occurred to me that I actually had the movers take part of something that should have stayed behind. Fuck me! I'm so out of it anymore with all this moving related stress. I just want it to be over already.

I'm Not Ready!

Back to work at Philly today which was a joke. Nobody wants to be there and I literally did nothing all day. Well, that's not entirely true, I managed to call and disconnect/connect all my utilities for my apartments. A little snafu with my Dish Network is still lingering and until that is resolved, I'm not sure what's going to happen with getting some internet hooked up down in GA. I can either kill Dish Network, pay $240 and climb up a ladder to remove some part from the dish over my apartment now OR I can petition my new landlord to allow them to mount a dish on a pole outside my new apartment building. The lease states no dishes can be mounted to the house, so I have a call in to clarify what the deal with the pole is. I kind of want to keep the service because I don't want to climb a ladder or put out the disconnect charge, even though I can get reimbursed for it. But I don't want to call Comcast for internet and then have to call them back for cable until I get the word from the landlord in GA.

Everything was moving right along until about 5:30 PM when a call from the movers has put me into full on panic mode. The guy in charge very nonchalantly says that tomorrow morning is my pick up date. Thanks for the fucking notice! I was expecting them to come on Thursday as requested, so I'm basically ill prepared and I'm currently frantically packing. I was scheduled to work tomorrow and had to burn a vacation day to deal with the movers. Sidenote: My friend Joolie used the same movers and they said they would deliver her shit anywhere from 5-14 business days from the pick up date. Huh? That's a great target range isn't it? So I guess the earliest I can expect my shit to arrive will be 5 business days from tomorrow which puts me well past the 4th of July. Sweet. This is gonna suck...

Tragic

It appears that Nike has run out of original ideas for promoting their sneakers and have decided to rip off Minor Threat. I wonder if Ian McKaye isn't raking in some loot for this? That would be ironic to say the least considering that Minor Threat basically only released one EP while they were together and the guy has literally gone out of his way to not make money from his music.


I guess if the Beatle's music can be used to sell sneakers, then so can some old ass album cover art from a band that not many kids today even know. (Gumsoles Gabe dropped this bomb on me. Cheers!)

Real World Austin

Please tell me you watched the first episode of the new Real World season? As much as I hated the Philly cast and season, the Real World is back in all it's sad glory with this Austin cast. In episode 1 you have female roommates making out, two females hooking up with the same roommate and a total brawl with broken cheeks! And did I mention this episode unfolds over the course of 2 days? From the preview of the season that followed the first episode, it appears as though this cast might rival Las Vegas as the most intoxicated and sexually adventurous ever.

I thought maybe there was a shark jumped last season, but I think I might be wrong...

Fond Farewell

I've been reading over my last two posts and I'm all over the place. Let me put this out there, I'm a tad frantic about this whole situation, but I'm not going to allow myself to be too upset over something I cannot change. I'm moving to Georgia and I'll be starting a new chapter in my life. Although things might not be comfortable or how I would prefer them to be, I'm dedicated to making sure I survive this transition and I am focused on maintaining a positive attitude about it. Maybe my concerns are really just excuses? I'm going to be missing a lot of people that mean the world to me and maybe this is my way of trying to sabotage myself so I don't have to leave them? In reality, the situation is the same as it was 2 months ago, this is an opportunity for me to explore something different and make some money while doing it. As it creeps closer and I start to realize the gravity of this decision, I'm allowing that to enter my thoughts and it is clouding my judgment a little. Was it as bad as I thought down there? Probably not. I have a way of embellishing things, a poetic license if you will, to make this blog more interesting to you all. Yes the people talk funny, and yes they are kind of poor and uneducated, but that doesn't mean I'm going to hate it.

Last night was my brother Dan's graduation party (and kind of my Bon Voyage celebration) and I was surrounded by the people who mean the most to me. Seeing what I am going to miss on such a large scale is frightening. For the most part, people are supportive. At least it appeared that way. I was very drunk from the onset, so a lot of last night is fuzzy to me. Spending some time just relaxing and drinking and celebrating with friends and family was just was I needed after my last week down south. My batteries are re-charged and I'm now certain I can do this. What I have is a group of people who want to see me succeed and support me no matter the circumstance. I know that if I decide to come back in a year, my family and friends will welcome that decision as they have accepted me all these many years. I'm not one for goodbyes, especially tearful, drawn out ones, but I want to at least acknowledge some folks for their support and good wishes last night.

Brother Dan gets a nod for allowing me to share his spotlight last night. This kid is talented and going to make something of his life and I'm happy that I had something to do with shaping who he has become. (Even if he wants to deny this very fact.)

My boys The Weasel, Gabe, Jared and JV not only came out to show their love for me, but they were willing participants in celebrating Dan's graduation. I'm lucky to have a great bunch of friends. Although we don't hang out as often as we would like, we are family and I know that I got four motherfuckers who got my back.

The Ridge Boys for whom I had some tee shirts whipped up as a memento of our time together on the Ridge. I was lucky to have met Myers, Jeffs and Larry when I was down on my luck and in need of shelter a few years ago. They got an old man for a roommate and I got some more younger brothers to cheer on and try to help as best I can.

Since I'm not dying, merely moving to another state, I'll try to wrap this up...

Audrey used her talent to make me a wonderful gift that I will cherish for a long, long time. I'm going to miss both her and Noele immensely when I'm gone. Their words inspire me. Their generosity impresses me.

I'm a lucky fucking guy. That's all there is to it.

What am I doing?

I'm just about to leave SC for home and I'm thinking to myself, "do I want to come back here in a week?"

The people are friendly, but very different. I'm wondering if I can maybe find a wife down here? The girls are kind of cute with their short skirts and southern accents, but it seems like if the girl is attractive and made it out of high school she already has a baby or two and possibly an ex-husband. I'm talking about the 21 year olds too, not the over 30 set. It's quite the culture shock to be honest. Good news: The young ones like to fuck! Bad news: I'm not sure I want to be a stepfather.

The job is the same. I'm not doing anything more than I was at my old job, which is okay. I'm getting a decent schedule and the opportunity to just come in and do my job and go home. Suits me fine now, but long term I'm not sure what the point of moving is if I don't have any opportunity to grow. All my new co-workers (fellow management folks) know each other either professionally, personally or socially which further intimidates me. And demographically they are all older than me and have families of their own, something I don't have. In Philly I have peers and employees that I can get along with based on common interests, whether it be movies or music or humor. Down here, it's going to be a struggle to get people to even laugh at my jokes or know what I am referring to half the time. Good news: I'll be the guy who knows the most about everything! Bad news: Will I find anyone to have a conversation with?

At this point, it's too late to back out...so I'm coming down for a year no matter what. I'm trying to remain optimistic. I'm looking forward to coming home today...

Hell Trip?

Things started off really rough on Sunday. I worked 7:30 AM to 3 PM and then rushed to the airport in Philly only to wait at the gate for 4 hours. Apparently this delay would cause me to miss my connection in Charlotte, so I wasn't going to arrive in Georgia until midnight. Fast forward to more delays, being on standby, almost not getting the rental car because Alamo in Augusta's airport closes at midnight, the airline losing my luggage and then the hotel being closed when we arrived at 2 AM.

The topper was then having to be called into work at 10 AM with no clothes to change into and little sleep only to organize some binders and meet only 1 new supervisor at the new location. Huh? Day 1 ends angry. Day 2 ends angry and smelly. Although my luggage did arrive at 4 PM Monday with nothing missing. We have been having major systems issues in our new site in SC, so training has been getting pushed back and everyone was given Monday off for us to regroup. Except for the guy who just worked, traveled for 11 hours and has no luggage. Nah, he should come in to organize shit.

I'm happy to report that yesterday went a little smoother. I met about 90 people and they run the gamut from dense to interesting. The crowd is certainly WAY different than I'm used to, but I'm embracing it. I'm the kid on the leadership team now. Figure that one out. When Joolie shows up, she will hold that title thankfully. All my new peers are 40+ and appear to know each other from either the neighborhood or a former place of employment. It's slightly intimidating to be honest. I'm anxious to carve my mark out here and establish myself. I did have the opportunity to give the entire new staff an overview of my life from birth to last week which had them all in stitches. I guess if nothing else, they laugh at my jokes which is comforting. I was afraid that Southern folk wouldn't get me....but the do.

I have so much more to discuss, but my hotel doesn't even allow you to rent a movie, let alone have internet. No cell signal either. I had to squeeze this in before work starts @ 8 AM, so I have to be brief.

Real World Austin, Wonderland (the book) and various other musings will be forthcoming. So hang in there and chew on this until I get back.

Falling Into Place?

This week has been kind of productive I guess. I've manage to pack up some things, downsize a bit and get my belongings itemized. I've also worked through some issues with the costs associated with my new apartment, i.e. I'm using my relocation allowance towards my rent for a while until I locate a suitable area to consider "buying" a house. (God forbid) And just today I've figured out what shift I will be working in South Carolina. A big part of my decision to go was that my job was going to shift from being so all over the map with hours to something more consistent and normal. I'm pleased to report that this is in fact the case and I'm very happy that I'll be working 1 PM to 10 PM steadily Monday-Friday. Every month I will have to give up a weekend and that's alright by me considering that I'm very happy with having a steady shift, and one that I prefer no less. My new peers in SC actually allowed me and my cohort Joolie to get first pick on what shift we wanted to work which was not only surprising, but a tad exciting. Finally I feel like I have some seniority in life!

I'm still not sure what the hell to expect when I do move, especially with regard to my job, but I'm getting more used to the idea of moving. There are a ton of things that are flat out getting on my nerves anymore, and I'm eager to make a change. I have big plans to get my life together and try to break out of this shell I've created around myself. All that I have left to worry about now is getting through the next week of traveling down to SC (hotel living sounds nice....HOT SHOWERS!) and squaring away things with the movers. I'm flying solo on my drive down, which is actually preferable....a clean break if you will. Along the way I'm stopping at Dad's house to visit for a hot minute in VA.

I wish I had more time to spend with people that I'll miss. The way my schedule with work bounces up against my employees, I've been having to say goodbye to people (or forgetting to say goodbye to people) that I'm not going to see again. Just today I realized that I wouldn't see a chick again based on my trip to SC and her getting her shifts covered during my last week. And then of course I totally forgot that I was not going to see someone again and wound up not even saying goodbye to her. It's all so complicated. And since there doesn't appear to be any farewell party afoot, I'm trying to strum something up with a few choice peeps for the 25th of June, aka MY LAST SATURDAY here. I'm sure it will be half assed, but I'm very eager to spend at least one night letting loose with "my kids" from work. Considering this is the night after my brother Dan's graduation party, the last weekend in June is quickly aiming to be a lost weekend.

Plus/Minus - Philly

Things I Will Not Miss About Philly:

1. Living across the street from the biggest loser bar in the Roxborough area.


2. Traffic. Everywhere. Kill Me.


3. Not having Hot Water for the last 5 weeks here.

Things I Will Miss About Philly:

1. Snow.


2. Knowing that if I wanted to, I could do any number of things of a cultural nature.


3. Seeing people bathing in the fountains like that ain't nasty as hell.

Freakier Sight of the Night?

Christian Bale bone thin in The Machinist or Wang Chung belting out Nelly's Hot In Herre on Hit Me Baby One More Time?

The Machinist is classic De Palma with it's slow unraveling and twists and turns. I was enthralled by Bale's performance and not merely because he looked like the "new" Lindsey Lohan throughout. Remember Guy Pearce in Memento? On par with that. Eerie as fuck with one hell of a pay off at the end. Decent ride.

How I managed to watch Hit Me Baby is beyond me. Let's call it a need for me to be in the know on all things kitsch. Tender moment for me was seeing Howard Jones, a guy I loved when I was in 9th grade, belt out his classic No One Is To Blame. I even thought his version of Dido's White Flag was pretty solid too. Fucking Cameo is a mess. Odd moment of the night was remembering a Sony industry "party" I attended back when I was a pseudo rock star for the release of Sophie B. Hawkins album. I was sitting poolside and she was playing acoustically for industry folks barefoot and stoned out of her head. From the looks of it tonight, she's still a fan of the pipe.

The Heart of Rock N' Roll Is Still Beating.

Huey Lewis is a genius. I downloaded his Greatest Hits and took a trip down memory lane tonight. Good times, good times. I remember when my Dad bought Sports on vinyl, he had such a hard on for Huey Lewis. I'm sure he made me go see them more than once when I was like 10 years old. But I'm not sure I was complaining....because the songs were incredibly catchy.

If you didn't watch 30 Days on FX tonight you missed out. Morgan Spurlock, the guy who made Super Size Me, now has a TV show that is kind of good. Tonight's episode exposed the horrors of minimum wage in the USA. Both he and his wife lived solely on two full time minimum wage salaries to see if they could make it a month. Guess what? They didn't. Watch this shit and get educated and stuff.

Things continue to fall into place with the move much to my chagrin. I'm actually pulling this off. Ridiculous.

Ah, Sisterhood

Today I saw Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with my friends Noele and Audrey. I feel like a loser, so lay off. It was worse than I imagined and I wanted to laugh a lot. Thankfully, the beers and conversation following the movie made up for it.

To my sisterhood sisters, not to be confused with my real sisters, I present this homage to today's movie trip.

TomKat

I'm not going to lie. I was a huge fan of Dawson's Creek, mainly because of how hot I thought Joey Potter was. Pacey's witty dialogue was that little something extra that made it okay for me, a man in my mid-twenties, to enjoy oggling Katie Holmes for 46 minutes per week. I can remember the day I heard about The Gift being filmed and how Katie was going topless....one of the happiest days of my life. Actually, I guess technically the happiest day was when I went to see The Gift and saw those melons in the flesh on the big screen. Oh wait, actually, come to think of it, I guess renting The Gift on DVD and being able to pause on that particular scene in the film, yeah that was the happiest day. Not of my life....but it's in the top ten.

And I'll also admit that I probably like Tom Cruise as an actor. The guy has made cheese that I either have seen and hated (Top Gun, Cocktail) or didn't bother seeing at all because it looked so bad I couldn't bear it (Days of Thunder) but if you look at his resume as a whole, there is some quality work there. The Firm, Minority Report, Mission Impossible, Risky Business, The Outsiders, Taps, The Color of Money, Young Guns, Rain Man, Born on the Fourth of July, A Few Good Men, Magnolia, Jerry Maguire, The Last Samuri and I'm sure War of the Worlds are all very likeable movies and his presence in them is vital to their success.

Here's the rub. I'm not sure that this relationship is fake and I'm not saying that I think Katie needs to be freed. If Katie has decided to convert to Scientology, so be it. Not my business. And Tom Cruise being a looney now isn't because he is a Scientologist or a delusional Hollywood figure, it's because he's scoring a hot chick half his age. All I'm saying is that it just doesn't seem right. Katie seems a little more unattractive to me in Tom's arms and that's really the bottom line people. Given that 94.67% of all Hollywood hook ups end tragically, I'm certain that this is a summer fling which will all but be forgotten by 2006. The fact that right now this romance is inescapable says more about us then it does about TomKat. Wouldn't you agree?

Who's Bad?

When will California actually hire lawyers that can convict someone? Michael Jackson was found not guilty on all charges of child molestation today. I would be willing to bet that if they found him balls deep in the ass of a 10 year old, he still would have been found not guilty. Why? Because California is fucked. OJ got off. Robert Blake got off. Phil Spector will get off.

The only people who get found guilty are the poor.

Sometimes I wish that we could cut California off from the US and let it float out into the Pacific. Especially when I see The Pacifier make 100 Million at the box office or hear Arnold Schwarzenegger giving a speech. But then I see something like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting down with L. Ron and I feel better.

Broken Back, Breaking Balls

Today was 'move out' day for Brother Mike at his storage facility. Mike is one step closer to actually moving into his home that he purchased oh, like 3 months ago. I was along mainly to break everyone's balls and keep things light. Comic relief if you will. Not that I'm not dog fucking tired and writhing in pain from lifting shit...

Since I'm in the process of moving myself, I can honestly say that I never want to become the pack rat that Brother Mike is. I know for a fact that I just moved trash, actual trash from one place to another. And I was part of the crew that moved this same trash into storage like 2 years ago. Fucking nuts. I'm down sizing a bunch due to the big move and I made it known to Mike that he needs to do the same. Clutter is terrible. Having shit in boxes in your garage is a waste. Keep it light...that's my new motto.

Musical Family

I was out drinking with my brothers a few weeks ago with Brother Mike's fellow tech support dudes and the question came up about whether or not "the brothers" ever worked together musically. Considering my musical past, opera singer/death metal singer/white rapper; Brother Mike's forray into Space Rock as a guitar virtuoso and Brother Dan's ability to play drums, bass, guitar and sing, one would think that somewhere along the line we would have put together a family band or something. Well, we didn't. Here's why. About 2 years ago my brother's (then calling themselves Tom and Vince for some unknown reason) decided to work together and results were less than positive. Click the link and see what I mean.

Milestones

Well tonight was my sister Malia's 21st birthday and the family celebrated by going to dinner at a little place called Chickie's and Pete's. If you know me, then you know I loathe this place because it usually contains all the people I would rid the world of and tonight was no different. But I put aside my disdain to help celebrate with baby sis and tried to have as much fun as a could surrounded by retards. Didn't get too drunk and wasn't really in the mood to make it a crazy night, I guess I'm too in my head over this move to really let loose. In any case, Happy Birthday Malia.

MTV Movie Awards

Trainwreck. That about sums it up folks. Jimmy Fallon is just not funny enough, even though I really like the guy. Most of his jokes were really corny and he seemed to be on stage too much....like helping people present things when he should have been working on funnier jokes. The best thing I can say about him was that he at least looked like he wanted to be there, unlike most presenters and winners.

The cast of Fantastic Four and their scripted banter was mindnumbing. Ryan Gosling is a weirdo as proven by his "acceptance" of best kiss. Rachel McAdams, who won 3 trophies, almost seemed embarassed to be associated with the show and these movies she made before she was a somebody. The only actually winner that seemed genuine was Jon Heder (Napolean Dynamite) and good for him!

Highlights

The Revenge of the Sith spoof between Natalie Portman and Jimmy Fallon as Anakin.

The presentation of a big Silver bucket of popcorn to the cast of The Breakfast Club. The janitor guy should have been allowed on stage though....especially if Emilio doesn't bother to show up. And where was John Hughes? I could have done without the Yellowcard cover of Don't You Forget About Me however.

Eminem pretending to be Triumph and insulting Lindsey Lohan.

Lowlights

Katie Holmes is a total freak now that she is banging Tom Cruise. I heard about his shenanigans on Oprah, so I guess they are both freaks now. It was mega awkward having a chick that everyone knows you are banging present you with a life time acheivement award. Not to mention that you are like 40, so your lifetime is still kind of happening.

Dustin Hoffman winning for best comedic performance and then instead of "connecting" with the MTV generation, he acts like your Dad who is trying too hard to act like a youngster. Dustin, you are a good actor, but come on dude....less is more.

Eminem performing that terrible song with all the Crank Yankers puppets.

Even the "fake" movie that Vince Vaugh has been good for in the past, and Ben Stiller has done for MTV, was very weak. Essentially is an extended promo for the Wedding Crashers that just wasn't funny at all.

Daily Affirmation of Why I'm Moving

What's worse then being stuck behind some Jersey asshole, while having to take a monster shit, who doesn't understand that where Main Street and Ridge Ave split the constant fucking GREEN turn light means that you can fucking go?

Deciding to go around him after honking at him 3 times and then getting pulled over for crossing a double yellow line, forced to sit in pain while your shit keeps trying to force itself out while two cops take their good old fucking time issuing you a $115 ticket for unsafe driving.

That's what.

The irony of the story is not that I ultimately shit my pants, no I managed to keep it tucked until I was able to drop it in the bowl. The irony was that I eventually pulled over at the top of the Ridge Hill, which if you know where I live you will understand that I was fucking 30 yards from my toilet as I waiting 20 minutes to be issued my ticket. Ha.

I can't wait to leave this city behind. I'm considering not paying the ticket just so I can tell chicks in Georgia that I'm a fugitive with outstanding warrants.

One Last Time At The Art House

With my impending move approaching quickly, I took the last two days to say my goodbyes as it were to a couple of places that have a special place in my heart. Ever since I discovered the Ritz Theaters in high school, I have frequented the place as much as I could. On Fridays in the summer, my friends and I would see 4 films in a row between the two theaters (now 3) in the Old City area. My college years were spent learning about indie cinema in those very plush and comfortable seats. Reservoir Dogs, Clerks, Naked Lunch, movies that changed my life were first digested in those hallowed halls. Over the past couple years, while in the Manayunk area, I've grow attached to the Bala theater about 10 minutes from my house. It's an old time Main Street cinema place that specializes as much as it can in showing movies of value and not just popcorn fair. Both institutions will be severely missed since I've already seen the movie scene down in Georgia and it's multiplex junk.

Moving on, here's what I can offer about my final films at each theater.

Kung Fu Hustle 9:50 PM at Ritz at the Bourse

My expectations for this movie were about as high as could be for a kung fu movie. I'm a huge fan of not only Jackie Chan and Jet Li, but the recent "artistic" chop sockey's like Crouching Tiger, Hero and House of Flying Daggers (alright maybe not Daggers). The trailer for this movie made it look like Snatch meets Kill Bill meets Dogville, but instead it's Naked Gun with karate. And I'm not a fan of movies that are over the top with slapstick and sight gags. The special effects were hokey, as I've mentioned many times on this here blog, I'm not into making shit look like cartoons. What this movie did do by accident was reaffirm my love for Jackie Chan. You may not get much plot, but at least his action is real. If I want to see Mummy shit, I'll rent Mummy. If I want to see fight scenes where people are clearly on wires, I'll rent Crouching Tiger. I could go on and on, like this movie and it's rambling and confusing plot, but I'll just say that I wish my last experience at the Ritz was a better one.


Layer Cake 4:30 PM at the Bala

You may have heard about this one. It's directed by the guy who produced Guy Ritchie's movies, back when Guy made movies that didn't suck. Oh wait, this guy produced Swept Away too. Oops. Anyway, it's kind of the same British look at the underbelly of gangster life but minus all the clever and funny Guy Ritchie parts. It's more subdued and noir than flashy and coy, and I'm partial to the flash and witty dialogue. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy this flick. Very well crafted, strong actors, good use of music....just not all that exciting. The cliche of "one last job before I retire" is fucking done. Please find another set up, but I will admit some of the triple crosses keep you guessing which is always nice. I hate movies that you can figure out in 10 minutes and it becomes an exercise just to get through 90 more minutes.

Already Gone

I'm sitting at home, doing laundry today, and I started to think about the reality of my timeline. I'm literally gone already considering that when I'm not down in South Carolina working, I'm working here. And if I'm not working, I'm doing something either related to family or to moving. It's beginning to sink in and make me somewhat unnerved.

I just got word that I'm needed from June 19-24 to help with training down in SC, further limiting the time I have to spend here with friends and family. I'm looking forward to spending time with family at my sister's 21st birthday on Saturday night, and then I guess after that I pretty much will be flying back and heading directly to my brother Dan's graduation party on the 24th. And then I head out the following Friday to my final destination of Georgia. Wow. It's coming to a quick close...

Celebrity Endorsements 2020

I was thinking today while watching Judge Shows, how there a ton of commericals featuring washed up actors/actresses pitching medicaid, life insurance and diabetes testing supplies to old folks who are retired and most likely watching TV during the day. Lou Rawls wants you to get "quality life insurance", Delta Burke and Wilford Brimley are pushing the testing supplies from Liberty Medical, Bernie Koppel from the Love Boat is shilling some prescription plan for old heads, it's a circus out there.

Considering that these has beens are all over the TV in 2005 ptiching products to the senior set, I was thinking about what the future holds for us when we hit 50-60 years of age. Who will be hawking old people junk to us on the tube? Okay, we have Lou Rawls now, so maybe we'll get R. Kelly to inform us of our life insurance options in the future. Kellie Martin or the girl from 7th Heaven that isn't Jessica Beil can push diabetes supplies. Maybe Dawson Leary's Dad could help out with that. Data from Star Trek the New Generation will inform us about prescription plans. Can you see it?

Cinema Palooza!!

Ah, the joys of hotel life. Since finding an apartment went rather smooth in GA, I turned my attention to other pursuits the last couple of days. Namely, renting movies in my hotel room and even venturing to the theater once I signed my lease. And naturally after a day of travel today, that included a 7 AM wake up call, a car ride back to Columbia, SC and then a 2 hour flight delay, I turned my attention to my neglected Netflixes that had been waiting for me to return. Here's my assessment of what I've watched over the last 48 hours or so.

Night #1 in hotel - National Treasure

Where else could I have seen this hunk of shit without being completely ashamed and embarrassed? I'm in a shitty hotel in Georgia on a Thursday night digesting my Waffle House dinner and looking for some mindless entertainment...enter Nic Cage in a horrible hair piece to brighten up my night. Now the problems with this film are too far to name, but let's look at sheer geography for starters. There's a critical chase sequence that takes place in my fair city of Philadelphia and the characters are all over the fucking place like the Reading Terminal Market is in Old City and the Liberty Bell is near City Hall. Come on now. My work place was even featured prominently in the movie when Nic and his band of treasure hunters need to change garb. Again, I hate to knit pick, but if you are featuring Urban Outfitters in Philly in a movie, why not actually film the scene in the Philly UO instead of the one in whatever city this movie was really filmed in. What is even more disturbing is that the movie was filmed in Philly, just not that scene at Urban Outfitters??? Wait a second, I'm trying to make sense of what these filmmakers were doing when in fact the movie centers around a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence that leads to buried treasure. Forgive me. This is Disney drivel that is trying way to hard to be Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Post Lease Signing - Crash

Possibly the best drama I've seen in 2005. Very strong script revolving around racism in all it's many forms, with a very talented cast. The guy who wrote Million Dollar Baby is behind this directing his own script with some on screen and off screen help from Don Cheadle (slowly becoming a powerful Hollywood player) as an actor/executive producer. Matt Dillon gives a very understated performance as a racist cop who is caring for his elderly father. Sandra Bullock plays against type as a WASPy bigot married to Los Angeles DA Brendan Fraser (who didn't annoy me at all....shocking!). But the strongest performances come from the faces you may not recognize in this one. The Hispanic locksmith, the Persian shop owner, the TV director and his wife...this is a great ensemble piece in the tradition of Altman's Short Cuts. The script is drenched in authenticity without becoming overly preachy. All the characters flaws are on display, and redemption comes for some, but not for others. A real winner of a movie.

Night in hotel #2 - Assault on Precinct 13

I've an Ethan Hawke fan, as I've probably mentioned in the past, but even good actors take what is referred to as a paycheck picture in the movie business. This mess is a remake of a movie, apparently. I can't seem to figure out what was so great about it that it screamed to be remade, but oh well, it was better than National Fucking Treasure. Larry Fishburn plays a mob guy who teams up with some crooked cops....wait a second, who fucking cares? This movie was shit. Drea D'Matteo from Sopranos I'm convinced is a tranny, and Maria Bello who has a pretty busted body (see The Cooler) loves to flaunt her tiny breasts to ad nauseum in this movie. The action was yadda, yadda, paint by numbers....and Ethan looked bored as hell.

Tonight - Netflix presents Overnight

Really good documentary about the writer/director of the cult favorite Boondock Saints and his rise (not quite) and fall in Hollywood. The back story on this guy is incredible, Harvey Weinstein fronts him 300K, allows him direct his own script, buys him a bar and even helps the guy's band get signed to a record contract and then it all goes horribly wrong. This should be shown in every film class in the country so that these egomaniacal pricks about the roll out to Hollywood can see what they really look like. The dude is a 100% asshole with a GOD complex and it's riveting to see how many guys he has under his power. He's preaching the word of fame, money, the future....it's nuts....and eventually things break down. My only complaint is that no one really stood up to him, or at least it wasn't captured on film anyway, the way that you want it to happen. Very engrossing look at the evil side of Hollywood.

Hit Me Baby One More Time

This has got be the most evil and horribly executed reality TV show I have ever laid eyes on. Much like a car crash, I was unable to avert my eyes. Even when Flock of Seagulls (well, one pathetic, puffy and barely recognizable Seagull anyway) was covering Ryan Cabbrera; I couldn't look away. Of the acts that were officially "bands" I'm not sure any had more than 3 original members performing like seals for a completely paid studio audience and overly enthusiastic and annoying Aussie (?) giant named Vern who was the "host" of this trainwreck.

I can say that I must thank Tiffany, she of mall singing fame, who did help me coin what I think is a relatively unheard of term I am now copyrighting. Tiffany looked like a MILNTF, Mom I'd Like Not To Fuck, with her jumbo boobs resting atop of her 40 inch waistline and her nasally, whining voice. The bitch had the audacity to butcher Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway. if I was there, I would have stabbed her in the boob. Apparently there are 2 more episodes on tap featuring some more artists in need of ridicule like Tommy Tutone and Haddaway. NBC is fucking lost man. Friends! Frasier! Someone help!

I'm an Urban Outfitter!

Once I touched down on Thursday evening into Columbia, SC, I rented a crazy sharp blue Pontiac Sunfire 2-door to make the journey to Augusta, GA. The hotel I was booked at was the very same one I stayed out the last time I visited the area to determine if I could live here. I was pleased to find out that Columbia, SC was a very quick drive (an hour) from Augusta since not many bands pass through the Augusta area anymore. Since I was starved and the hotel is located just steps from one of the half a million Waffle Houses in the area, I figured "why not?" A little Smothered and Covered never hurt nobody. Did it? In any case, I grabbed an Augusta Chronicle to scour the classifieds for apartments during my meal and right there on the front page was a little blurb about my company moving to the area. I turned to the business section and came across a front page story detailing the ribbon cutting ceremony that took place on Wednesday at the new facility with a picture of my old friend the governor of South Carolina. Come to think of it, I am pretty sure I never did blog about my last trip down to the SC/GA area in great detail. Let's just say that I rode down on a very tiny plane on loan from the Governor and was wined and dined enough to say yes to the prospect of moving. (Clearly) The reason I mention this now is that the story about the ribbon cutting event started off with a couple quotes from the Governor and it appears that my compatriots and I made quite an impression on that old Southern Boy....

100% Fit to be an Outfitter

Web posted Thursday, June 2, 2005
By Betsy Gilliland | South Carolina Bureau
TRENTON, S.C. - Several months ago, Gov. Mark Sanford saw the most oddly dressed group of people he had ever seen at Aiken Municipal Airport. Little did he know that he was getting his first glimpse of his new neighbors.

The young people, sporting tie-dyed skirts, crocheted vests and multiple body piercings, were the advance team for Urban Outfitters, a Pennsylvania specialty clothing and accessory company that announced in May that it was moving to Trenton.

"It is stuff that I would never buy and my wife would never wear," Mr. Sanford told about 200 people at a ribbon-cutting ceremony Wednesday. "And it hits me how great that is. ... There is a whole big and growing market of folks who do and who will.

I've linked the entire story to this post so that should you wish to learn more, you can. What I find funny overall is the amount of inaccuracies contained in the story, especially relating to our encounter with the Governor. No one was wearing tie-dye or a vest, but I guess these were the closest items the Gov could think of to describe our style of dress in the wackiest possible way. I'm not going to lie, Joolie does have some peircings, but the horror tattooes that cover her arms completely and the tats on her neck should have at least got a mention. Mr. Sanford also must not realize that Urban Oufitters is the company behind Anthropologie, a store that I'm sure his wife shops at. But again, to make us seem like crazy Yankees, this kind of zany quote plays better for the locals I'm sure. The state of journalism in this region is severly lacking, but I guess I shouldn't complain too much since I use my degree in Journalism to assist women with their clothing and accessory needs.

My New Apartment

I'm so fucking sick that I am currently in a Fedex Kinko's paying for the internet to blog this shit. Let me tell you, now that I have an apartment here in Augusta, GA there isn't much to do until my flight leaves tomorrow morning....and the hotel is beat. Anyway, back to the apartment situation.

I hooked up with this really cool chick Tiffany at this realty company run by a Yankee from New England. The realty company shares office space with the Democratic Party's headquarters in downtown Augusta, so there is some Blue in this here Red State. Two houses down, in the heart of the city (which means within walking distance to all the night life options this town has to offer), my realtor is in the process of restoring this old mansion place. Eventually it will be 7 fully rented apartments of varying size. I managed to grab #4, a 2nd floor, 2 Bedroom/2 Bathroom unit that is divine despite it's unique layout. All I can say is claw foot tubs are hot looking. Now the price was a bit more than I want to spend, but the accommodating Democrat landlord threw in a washer and dryer for free to secure me as the next tenant. So I'm now paying $695 for a nice two bedroom located in the heart of Augusta. The spare room will be up and running for all visitors...so book your slot early. If shit gets bad, I'll grab a roommate is how I'm justifying it. Plus my dollar goes real far in this place. $6 movies, $1 PBR's all the time, internet/cable/phone bundled for $60 a month...why not splurge a little on my digs, right?

I have much more to tell about this little journey down south...trailer parks, bad TV, horrible newpapers, etc. It will all be revealed. Hang on tight.

The Move Report

This installment of Skip moves to a God forsaken Red State is sponsored by an illegal download of the new Coldplay album X&Y which is yummy as all hell. The same cannot be said for the move situation. In fact it's giving me indigestion. A lot of indigestion.

So as of today I haven't heard from the so-called realtor that was appointed by my "relocation expert" to assist me with finding an apartment in the Augusta, Georgia area. I kind of sensed that shit wasn't going to go well when I spoke with this woman once about 4 weeks ago and she indicated that she wasn't all that familiar with the loft apartment scene in the area. In fact, she had me email her all the links I had come up with on my own online. She never did reply to that email....oh well, as usual I digress.

I wouldn't be that worried about not hearing from her, but since I'm heading down to the Augusta area TOMORROW, I guess you could say that I kind of expected to hear a little something from her by now. Wait, that's a lie. My friend Joolie, who is also moving down and is at this moment wandering around Augusta trying to find a place on her own, gave me a head's up last week that she talked with our "realtor" (apparently we were assigned the same lady) who seemed completely unaware that she was looking to rent as opposed to own. Our realtor then pawned Joolie off onto another realtor who deals with "rentals" who unfortunately wasn't available the times that Joolie was in the area. What a joke! I'm already looking to skull fuck these Southern Belles in slacks and vests who call themselves realtors. Face it bitch you are a wife. Not a realtor. If you were, you would fucking hustle for clients. Did that come off as too angry?

So here I am, spending Memorial Day weekend attempting to contact realtors and apartment complexes on my own a few days shy of rolling into a new town where I know nothing and absolutely MUST find a place to live. I only have this one shot to find a place, otherwise I'm either living in a hotel with all my shit in storage or I'm staying put here in Filthly with no job. Who is around Memorial Day weekend for me to contact you ask? Well, nobody. At this point, I have basically two leads on places and Joolie in the trenches calling me each day with a progress report on her findings. After her first day, my voicemail went something like this....

"I can't find shit for under $600 anywhere and I can't reach any realtors on the phone. I drove by Aiken which closes at dusk, Augusta looks a little better. I'm going to die down here. I just know it. I'm tired and need to go to bed."

Doesn't sound too promising.

So I'm going to need all of you lot to suck it up and talk to God for me. Ask him to help me find a place. I would ask myself, but he and I aren't really on speaking terms anymore. Thanks for helping me out.