Be Back Soon

Well folks, I'm outta here. Off to see the Phillies beat the Cubs in Wrigley Stadium. (Hopefully...) Enjoy this time away, I know that I will. Since there is a group of 30 guys also going to the Cubs/Phils series from this area under the pretense of a bachelor's party, I'm sure I will have no trouble finding something to write about when I return.

Can someone please water my television and computer while I'm gone?

The End of the World

Co-Co Bella!

Flamboyant fashion designer Donatella Versace has checked into a rehabilitation centre to be treated for addiction to cocaine. She loves the cocaine, the cocaine.

This Land Is My Land

R&R

Well, I'm about to head out on a mini vacaton to Chicago with a couple friends. I haven't been on a vacation in about 2 years, so I am very eager to be away from the hustle and bustle of my work/tv watching schedule. But seriously, my batteries need recharging. I'm juicing up the IPod, packing my bags and flying out Thursday night. Since the trip is baseball focused, I hope the Phillies sweep the Cubs. I'll hopefully have many things to post about when I return.

Amish My Ass

amish
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Do any of these people look amish? Rent Devil's Playground to see what teenage Amish truly look like. I'm not saying I'm not gonna watch the Amish in the City show when it airs, I'm just saying these folks look fishy.

The State of Music

So it appears that right now, the 80's and 90's are trying to creep back on the airwares these days. Morrisey, Cure, Pixies are all pumping some new shit out. And I do mean shit. The Cure song blows, it's like goth-emo-light. Morrisey's song has a decent sound to it, but what the hell is he singing about? Is this crap even topical? And then there is the aforementioned Pixies song that songs like a b-52's rip off.

Here's what I suggest if you want to re-live the past in music. Check out Metric which sound very early 90's chick rock, Elastica or Republica-esque. Or how about Scissor Sister a total Elton John from his early days vibe? ITunes them up, biotch!

Found Objects

I've been hearing stories lately about people who are walking down the street and find things. How come this never happens to me? I never just stumble across something cool laying on the sidewalk or in the street. I did see a run over fork today that I guess I could have picked up and actually used (It's hard to ruin a fork, even when you run over it.) but that's not cool. Last week a friend of a friend "found" a 40 GB IPod on the sidewalk. 3 days ago, a chick I know found a 66 Yamaha 90 CC scooter in an alley way.$100 later, she now has a sweet ride. It's not fair.

A thought...

This came up at work today. I have never seen a porn with Jenna Jameson. Ever. It's amazing that she is pretty much the icon that represents the porn industry and I have never seen her naked. I guess I'm so busy downloading movies involving male strippers, glory holes, babysitters and midgets to bother with some blonde bitch giving it up.

The Return of Helmet

Helmet is set to return with the release of a new album, Size Matters, and nationwide tour starting this September. Founder Page Hamilton is the only original member remaining but he's brought out some pretty heavy hitters to round out the lineup: Chris Traynor (Orange 9mm), Frank Bello (Anthrax), John Tempesta (White Zombie). This could be good, or this could be just plain unnecessary.

Love, Love Me Do

Does anyone give a shit about Courtney Love? I was thinking about this as I drifted past yet another so called "news" story adorned with some horrible looking picture of her. I don't even read them anymore. She's so pathetic. And she killed Kurt. Not that I'm complaining, In Utero was weak people. Admit it. I'm giving her about 3 months before a suicide attempt.

Fahrenheit 9/11 Breaks $100 Million

Recognize motherfucker. Recognize.

Got Milk?

Ex-BHG

Alright, so I got myself on the list (sort of) to see the Bloodhound Gang tonight. Against my better judgement, and even with a 7:30 AM call time to work tomorrow, I drove myself there and took in about 40 minutes of the show. All I can say is ugh. I don't know any songs, and the one's I kind of know....suck. To top if off, the crowd is absolutely in love with these "local heros."

Adding to the completely surreal experience that it is everytime I see them play, was that I was footsteps from the Carson Daly of the Philly region, Mr. Bam Margera. No Phil. No Ape. No Don Vito. I didn't even see Rake for fuck's sake. To my right we have Daddy Long Legs, who I guess is going by Puff Daddy now that Sean Combs dropped the name. Mike is still sporting the colorful hair and jersey look, but he looks like the rest of us; a little older, and a little fatter. Behind me we have the most manical BHG fan I have ever met. This guy wanted me to sign 2 vinyl covers, 20 fucking cd inserts, take a picture with him, it was insane. Who are you crazy BHG fan? I guess I'll find out since he persuaded me to give him my email address. Did I mention my next door neighbor from college was selling merchandise and now works full time for Jimmy Pop? What a circus.

To be blunt, I guess I just sound like any ex-band member...bitter. So sue me. I gave 5 long years of my life to the band and even though we probably sucked back then, I still think we were better than the shit they are putting out now. I'm happy I can go see them and shake some hands and see some old faces. But when it comes down to it, I have work tomorrow. Really early.

Comment Away Kids

I figured out how to let anyone comment my postings. Now you don't have to create a blog that you will never update to join in the fun. Awesome!

Click this for Reality TV Boobies!

If you watch Big Brother, here's a more intimate look at contestant Diane.

Sequels

There are two schools of thought on sequels. Some insist that a sequel be strong enough to stand on it's own. In other words, you shouldn't be required to know anything about the first one to watch the second one. (or third, or fourth, etc.) Others believe that the sanctity of the sequel is upheld by the continuation factor, i.e. the movies' flow into each other and carry over plot points and character history.

The Bourne Supremacy plays into the latter dicotomy and truly picks up where the first, Bourne Identity, leaves off. As a movie fan, I like the idea of making the sequel for "fans" only. If you didn't see the first one, I imagine you will be lost as hell and not sure what is going on the entire film. Good for me, not so good for this movie finding a larger audience than the first. Matt Damon is a decent action star. I buy him as Jason Bourne more than I do Ben Affleck as Daredevil. And although the action is less violent in this sequel, I'd still recommend it. I have a beef with the handling of Franke Potente's character and wasn't real keen on Joan Allen's by the numbers performance, but Bryan Cox always plays a really good asshole.

A.C.

I gave great consideration to the idea of heading to Atlantic City on my day off today, but in the end I pussed out. I don't really have money to blow and my plan of attack was shady at best. I figured I would cash advance like $300 from a credit card and let it ride. Try to turn that little bit into a mountain of money playing Black Jack. In the end, I got in the car, got the car washed and then wound up at my Stepfather's house. It's just as exciting as A.C. with all the noises and people coming in and out. Best of all it was free.

Celebrity Teen Slut of the Week

Okay, it’s slut of the week time and I’ll admit Hilary Duff wasn’t my first choice this time round, but I got a great photo (see below) today and was inspired. Let me preface this profile by saying that I can’t recall seeing anything on this little honey’s resume with the exception of Human Nature where in she was playing Patricia Arquette as a child. But should that stop me? Hell no.

Apparently Lizzie McGuire was some tween show on Disney or Nick Jr. or some shit and it made this chick really popular. Anyway, once she tired of the limitations of television, Hilary starred opposite Malcolm in the Middle’s Frankie Muniz as the love interest in Agent Cody Banks. Never saw it. I guess the popularity of this movie gave someone the bright idea to make a Lizzie McGuire movie and I’m assuming it went well since this bitch’s mug has been in my face ever since.

I also recall seeing her in the trailer for that Steve Martin movie about 12 kids, so I guess she was in that. And oh yeah, I think right now she’s like the 1 millionth chick playing Cinderella on film. So there you have it. That’s what I know about her film/TV career.

Now what I do know about Ms. Duff is that she looked awful cute in those silly music videos of hers. So Yesterday was catchy, but I was mainly looking at her sexy poses and not listening to the lyrics. Then she had some song about rain or something. Again, looking good Hil. I’m pretty sure she is now doing the reverse Simpson sister thing, cause I have seen another Duff with an H first name glued to her hip lately. I’m assuming this is some talent-less older sister leeching her way into the spotlight. However, I was wrong about the sibling leech factor with Ashlee, so I could be wrong again.

Anyway….enough babble, on with the visuals!

"Hey Skip, over here!"

duff
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Hang in there MK!

Teen superstar Mary-Kate Olsen is poised to leave the treatment facility she has been staying in for the past few weeks to return home to her family. The New York Minute star - who alongside twin sister Ashley Olsen has forged a multi-million dollar career - is suffering from eating disorder anorexia but is "doing well" after intensive medical care. Her publicist Michael Pagnotta says, "Her fans can expect her to return home soon. She's doing well." After returning to the family home this weekend, Mary-Kate and Ashley will prepare to begin college at New York University this autumn.

She's sexy, no?

ashleesimpson_l2
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Bubble Gum Art

Click the title and check this mother blaster out. And I just spit my used bubblegum into the street. I have no artistic vision.

Trading Spouses

I watched this show last night and sadly for those who didn't see it, let me spoil it for you. The new mommies don't fuck the existing daddies. Now that would be worthwhile TV. Don't get me wrong, I'll still continue to watch it, but I'll just keep thinking about how much more interesting it could have been.

The white lady living with black folks is kind of comical. Yes, I am legitimizing the fact that I am watching this hunk of shit show. Leave me be.

Vote for Pedro!

I saw a screening of Napolean Dynamite about 6 weeks ago, and I'm happy to report it's going wide this weekend. I don't expect it to beat out I, Robot, Bourne Supremacy and Spidey, but hopefully it will find an audience. It's really quirky and weird with some very memorable characters. It's not Wes Anderson, but it's still worth a visit. Find the time. Or put it on the rental list.

She dumped him?

As reported on IMDB:
Hollywood beauty Kirsten Dunst has dumped her movie hunk boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal, blaming "filming commitments". Spider-Man 2 actress Dunst and The Day After Tomorrow actor Gyllenhaal had been an item for two years before the surprise split two weeks ago. Since they began dating both Dunst and Gyllenhaal have become internationally famous, and Dunst's role in the Spider-Man movies has made her one of the most recognizable actresses in the world. An insider says, "Kirsten and Jake had been spending a lot of time apart because they both had filming commitments. But Jake was totally besotted with her and is devastated that she has broken up with him. Kirsten's career has sky rocketed. She's one of the hottest young actresses in Hollywood right now. She felt her relationship with Jake was emotionally draining and she couldn't cope with it on top of her work. It's very sad for Jake. He is really heartbroken."

Presidential Election

Sorry to get all political on you, but has anyone seen a poll lately about the upcoming election? The latest one I saw has Kerry at 44%, Bush at 41% and 15% a no decision. Can someone please tell me who these fucking 41% are? Are people fucking nuts? Do people even care? I'm scared. I hope everyone who reads this does two things.

1. Get some knowledge.
2. FUCKING VOTE!

Bush is the devil. I'm not interested in bringing back a draft, killing the planet and keeping the poor, poor. See Michael Moore's movie, listen to Al Franken on Air America Radio. WAKE UP!

Chris Hardwick is talented?

You may recall Chris Hardwick as the sarcastic host of Singled Out on MTV. I'm pretty sure that Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra might have overshadowed him, but I thought he had some zingers in there that were funny. Despite dating Jacinda from the worst season of the Real World ever (LONDON), he couldn't help but basically disappear. Chris reimerged a few years ago as a sarcastic host of another reality dating show, the awful yet enveloping Shipmates. (Don't you love when things go horribly wrong on Day 1 and these people are trapped on a ship for 2 more days, forced to continue to be on a "date" from hell with a camera crew capturing every ackward conversation.) The only comment I remember making when I realized that the host of this catastrophe was none other than Chris "Singled Out" Hardwick was "man, he looks puffy!"

So imagine my surprise when he shows up as a lead character in the Rob Zombie horror classic, House of a 1,000 Corpses. If you haven't seen this movie, rent it. It's so fucked up it will make you smile real wide. Anyway, besides getting killed in Rob Zombie's slasher pic, what else has Chris been up to? Well, how about making music a la Tenacious D with a guy named Mark Phirman. Check out www.hardandphirm.com and see for yourself.

At the very least, click the title of this post and give the song about 2 minutes of your time. It's Rodeohead. And it's genius.

On second thought...

Blue's Clues Dude is now an indie rocker? And there is a shout out to Montgomery County, PA on his CD. Yikes!

(click title for link)

There Is A God!

NEW YORK -- Paramount Domestic TV Distribution delivered the ultimate thumbs down by canceling its 3-year-old syndicated movie-review series "Hot Ticket."

Leonard Maltin is the WORST. Good riddance.

The Entourage

HBO has done it again. They have by far the best shows on TV. I laughed my ass off at this spoof/memior of Mark Wahlberg's early days in Hollywood. Between Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Entourage, HBO has made laughing with celebrity as funny as laughing at it. If you haven't seen it, watch it. Turtle is hilarious.

Mission Impossible 3

The cast of this sequel looks promising...

Scarlett Johansson, Carrie-Anne Moss and Kenneth Branagh

Another Old Friend's Blog

Meet the Rash. All together now...click the title of this post for the journey of your life.

Pseudo Reality Bimbos

I'll tell you what. I've never liked Paris Hilton, she's a skinny dog in my opinion. I can't stand Nicole Richie. What is her talent exactly? At least some people pay Paris to model or make sex videos. Jessica Simpson makes retarded faces when she sings, is dumb as a post and is a tad overexposed these days. Kelly Osborne's tits are getting huge, but then again so is her ass. So who is there to tickle my fancy?

I'll tell you who. And I'm ashamed to admit this. But I like Ashlee Simpson. I like her music way better than her sister's. I also think she is hotter. And brighter. She's a shining star in a sea of shit.

If you didn't think I was a loser based on these ramblings I post each day, then you absolutely do now.

Great Lyric: Postal Service

You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that i am just visiting
And i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving

Anchorman

Will Ferrell is funny.

Perhaps this movie is just a long, drawn out SNL bit, but I think the chuckles in it make it tolerable. It’s not the funniest movie I’ve seen, but I did love the use of Vince Vaughn, Luke Wilson, Ben Stiller and Tim Robbins as rival anchors in the San Diego area.

Jack Black’s cameo is also quite amusing. But Jack could be sleeping and I’d enjoy watching him. (Not in a gay way.)

New Feature: Teen Movie Slut of the Week

For those of you who know me, you understand my fascination with young film starlets. Well, maybe understand isn’t the right word. Let’s say you are aware of this fascination. For those who don’t, let me explain. If someone who knew me for about 10 minutes were asked to describe me to the police, it would go something like this…

“He’s fat”

“Anything else?”

“He wears glasses.”

“Anything else?”

“He’s into teenage girls.”

There you have it. I’m not shy about admitting that I have a hearty appetite for young females of the over 16 but under 21 variety. Some have argued that the 16 threshold isn’t as firm as it needs to be. And I will admit on occasion, I may have lowered the bar so to speak when I come across a rare talent. I’m a pig. Sue me.

Getting back to the matter at hand, I thought I would share with you a talented teenage beauty once a week as a way of enlightening the world and giving me a much needed outlet. I will profile them, sprinkle in some of my musings on their career, film choice or looks and then give you a link or two to read up further on them.

On that note, let’s go back to where it all started and discuss a little whore I like to call Dominique Swain.

In 1997 at the age of 17 Dominique was cast as the pre-teen nymphet Dolores Haze in Adrian Lynne’s remake of Lolita. Was it the pigtails or the retainer filled smile that captured my heart? Who can say? All I know is that her performance was intensely sexy and complicated. Unfortunately, this is where she was at her best. She peaked at 17 and hasn’t reached much success since despite churning out a film a year.

Maybe I’m being harsh, but in 1998 Dominique landed the role of Angela in an adaptation of a book I thought was really solid called “Girl.” As I waited, and waited, and waited for this film to be released, I got the sense that it must suck. What I was saddened to find out once I actually rented this straight to video clunker was that the reason it blew so hard, was Ms. Swain was terrible and on top of it horribly miscast.

Soon after the failure of Girl, Swain wound up in a bunch of low rent teen films that are on constant rotation on cable. The Smokers, The Intern and Tart all have 2 things in common. They all feature Dominique and they all suck. However, it was at this point in her career that Dominique was entertaining the idea of showing some skin, something that she wasn’t able to do in Lolita. I waited long and hard for the time to come for Dominique to try and save her career by taking it off on camera, so I was frantically renting all these crappy productions she was turning up in. Little did I know, that when the time came I would be more disappointed by her body than I was by her body of work. New Best Friend came out in 2002, well after her teen years were behind her. Although the promise of a lesbian encounter between Dominique and Mia Kirshner sounds exciting, it was uneventful and rather disappointing. And to top it off, she was looking a little saggy for a young woman.

So there you have it. Dominique peaked at 15, but it was a classic role in a classic movie. Could be worse.

Garden State

I can’t figure out why I’m mesmerized by this impending film release. I’m not a Scrubs fan, so the fact that the dude from that show wrote and directed it isn’t a draw. Maybe it’s the music in the trailer? Maybe it’s Natalie Portman dancing? It can’t be the lure of New Jersey, cause Jersey sucks. I have no idea why I really have this need to see this movie. Perhaps even love it. I can usually spot a good movie by the trailer and this one looks magical. Trust me.

Princess Diaries 3: Yum

Best Performance By A Dead Sitcom Star

The Emmy nominations were announced today and the list below is for Lead Actor in a TV Comedy:

Larry David, "Curb Your Enthuasium," HBO 
John Ritter, "8 Simple Rules," ABC 
Kelsey Grammar, "Frasier," NBC 
Matt LeBlanc, "Friends," NBC 
Tony Shalhoub, "Monk," USA

Ok. So your telling me that a dead John Ritter is a better actor than Kevin James in King of Queens? Frasier!?! Is that asshole still on the air? Tony Shaloub? Who watches Monk? If I find you, I'll kill you for having no taste. That show is unbearable. In any case, the point I'm trying to stress to the members of the voting academy is that Larry David is the man!

The Butterfly Defect

Ashton Kutcher blows. There, I said it. He can't take all the blame for making the Butterfly Effect a really long waste of time, but he certainly didn't add anything to it. The plot intention is one that is very intriguing. I love the idea of being able to rectify the past with knowledge you obtain in the future. However, this idea gets so outlandish in the B.E. that your mind starts to focus on the implausibility of what is happening. The idea behind these types of movies is that they have to be executed perfectly to pull it off. Or at the very least, keep you entertained a la Back the Future. Why I think that this movie had potential is because the writers have worked in all kinds of creepy shit like pedophilia, death and dismemberment. But the utter lack of an explanation as to how this "effect" really works and what it all means makes this one steamy plate of shit.

I will give props to that fat kid from American History X and Remember The Titans for letting them make him up like a goth who is pulling ass at like 4 bills easy. That's gonna be good for his self esteem. Not to mention mine.

Ode to Lindsay's Almost Totally Viewable Nipple

If these pictures were taken before she turned 18 does that make me a pervert?

Click the title if you dare!

Weezie!

Isabel Sanford, who played Louise "Weezie" Jefferson, died Friday at a Los Angeles hospital of natural causes, her publicist announced Monday. She was 86. Are you kidding me? She was 86 and still pitching Old Navy in TV ads? I guess she done spent all her Jeffersons loot back in the 90's on grundge music and flannel shirts. I know I did.

True Story

I talked with a couple of super cunts today at work. Women and shopping is just fucking evil. In case you don't know, I am a supervisor for a catalogue and web company that deals with two basic groups of people. Stoner college kids who want their Von Dutch hats and bitchy, snobby rich bitches who love to overpay for crappy clothes made in India by little kids for a nickel an hour. I digress. Anyway, this woman had the audacity to pitch a fit over the fact that it has been a week and her boss hasn't received the HUMPING DOG (click the link for a visual) that he ordered! Are you kidding me? You want me to try and research why a $12 humping dog that you strap to your leg hasn't left our warehouse yet? It's probably because the fucker who's job it is to pack the box is busy laughing his ass off still. You paid $8.50 shipping on a $12 doll that is a hunk of shit.


SHUT THE FUCK UP!

See these movies...

City of God (2002)
The Magdalene Sisters (2002)
In America (2002)
The Fog of War (2003)
Whale Rider (2003)
Dirty Pretty Things (2002)
Pieces of April (2003)
Capturing the Friedmans (2003)
The First Year (2001)
Owning Mahowny (2003)

My Dad Rocks.

So the old man is bailing me out on the tax situation. What a guy.

Web Porn (How I spent a whole Sunday surfing...)

So at the party last night the fellas were explaining to me that there exists video footage from bachelorette parties that is naughty as hell. So dirty that it may make you not trust a woman who says she's going to bachelorette party again. I was fascinated by the concept of this material and sought it out today. All I can say is HOLY CRAP!

There is no sight like that of a 45 year old woman licking whip cream off some Chippendale's donger. I am forever tainted.

Let me also add that in my research for this posting, I discovered that the act of participating in this ritual, as either the stripper (man) or licker (woman) is a fetish called CFNM. I defy you to place that acronym into Google! It's Clothed Female, Naked Male. Go figure. They got a fetish for everything these days.

Click the title of this post if you want to see your girlfriend or mom acting a fool.

Karaoke Smackdown

Last night was my friend Shawn's 40th surprise birth party and the entertainment lined up by his lovely gal pal Rosemary was none other than the rage of Japan, karaoke. Now if you know me, you know that when I get loaded, I have no shame or inhibition. And I have a decent singing voice. So clearly I had no choice but to dominant the festivities with a show stopping, latently gay duet with my married friend Gabe of Come What May from the movie Moulin Rouge. In case you are wondering, I took the Nicole Kidman part.

Anyway, the party was out in Dallastown, PA, which is a hike from Philly, so we had to sleep over. By we, I mean us Philly people. I got to sleep in an RV for the first time. (Cool!) I also woke up and immediately threw up the red wine and margarita that was at the top of my stomach while I slept. (Not cool!) The ride home was a bear and I'm still not feeling right but that could be from the rest stop Pizza Hut I consumed for breakfast.

Japanese Are Crazy

Do yourself a favor and watch Visitor Q and Suicide Club back to back and tell me the japanese aren't absolutely nuts. These pictures have some of the most over the top gore I've ever seen in a movie. They are pratically beyond description.

Suicide Club plays like the Ring meets Seven meets Hedwig the Angry Inch. And it's the better of the two.

Visitor Q is a disturbing look at reality television and includes such favorites as milk producing nipples, whipping, incest, lolita fantasy, necrophelia, sodomy and humiliation to name a few. You will never see another film like this. I promise.

What did we really do to them when we dropped the bomb?

Pixies

I waited 10 years for a new song. 10 long fucking years. And the best you can do is sound like a B-52's cover band? Ugh.

Taxes Suck

So here's a funny story for you. This past year I ran into some financial troubles and decided to basically not pay my state taxes. I did the return and saw that I owed $750, so I did what any normal, broke-ass individual would have done. I put my return in an envelope, affixed the sticker that said "check enclosed" to the outside and mailed it off. Did I mention that I never did write out the check?

I was kind of hoping the state would open the envelope, think they misplaced my check and then just say, "oh well, I guess we should just credit him the amount." Now since I mailed this return off in early April, I assumed that my plan had worked. It's July 8th already and I ain't heard shit from old Pennsylvania. In fact, I was just talking to a co-worker the other day about how smart I was to pull this stunt and how it appeared to work.

Well, you can tell where this is going...

I came home today and there was a nice fat envelope from the State of Pennsylvania. It seems they want my tax money from last year. And oh, there's a penalty, so that $750 is now $836. And oh, if you want to pay by credit card, there is a 2.5% processing fee to contend with.

So I'm doing what any self respecting 32 year old, employed tax dodger would do in my shoes.

Dear Dad,

I hope this email finds you doing well. I need a favor....

An Old Friend's Blog

Click above and prepare to be overwhelmed.

Not Everyone Feels The Way I Do

Kirsten Dunst Has Hit The Wall

I saw Spiderman 2 today. It's cheesy, like any popcorn movie is these days, but I guess overall I liked it. I'm not much of a Tobey guy, but I have always had a soft spot (or hard on) for Ms. Dunst. I guess my love affair with her began with Virgin Suicides, a brilliant film despite the fact that Josh Hartnett is in it. I have often thought of her in a dirty, lolita kind of way. I've gone so far as to be really jealous when I hear that some Hollywood loser is getting on her, i.e. the aforementioned Tobey and most recently Jake the Snake Gyllenhall. Like I ever had a chance with her. Anyway, as of late I am beginning to think she is already coming down the hill. And at a young age. She was super sexy in Crazy/beautiful, and I will admit that her breasts should have gotten billing in Spiderman, but I'm not so sure she does it for me anymore. I thought she was okay looking in this latest superhero installment, but not drop dead gorgeous like I had thought in the past. Perhaps I'm just moving on? Or perhaps she is too old for me now? I tend to like them on the young side. Oh well, at least I now have Lindsay Lohan to ogle for the next couple of years. (I have Confession of a Teenage Drama Queen on my Netflix list....is that wrong?)

Ridiculous

You know what is pathetic? The amount of junk mail I get geared towards consolidating my student loans. I literally get a piece of mail per day (including weekends) from Nelnet, CFS, etc. all promising me that I qualify to reduce my student loan payments by 55% per month if I act now! What kills me the most is that I don't actually qualify for this consolidation. I have pursued it with at least 3 of these so called saviors over the past year and all of them said the same thing, "we can't help you." So if you can't help me, why do you keep sending me your crappy invitation to contact you? Probably for the same reason that I continued to get credit card pre-qualifications when I was an absolute credit risk who couldn't even pay for a credit card. There's gotta be a law against this shit.

Without support like this, I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning.

This is what my brother has to say about my blog....

"what a cool way to satiate your need for self-importance or attention from anyone or anything...it's worse than your internet dating files....it's worse than friendster....It's one giant ego massage with a pity-party invitation into the unhappy and mundane life of skip."

There was a time when he respected me. I swear.

The Station Agent

Being a dwarf must suck.

Dear Holden

Sorry it’s taken me so long to write you. I think it’s been like 12 years since we’ve talked. I felt odd calling you after such a long period of silence, so I am writing you this letter as a way of breaking the ice. The way we left things has been banging around in my mind this whole time and I thought it might be time to rectify the situation. My only hope is that you are still at this address or at least having your mail forwarded and that you actually get this letter. However, even if you don’t, I’m sure I’ll be a better person for writing it. Exposing the demons will help me move on in my life. At least that is what my therapist keeps telling me.

So, let me first tell you a little bit about where I’m at right now in life. I live alone. No wife, no kids, none of that stuff. I do have a job that I hate, so it’s not all bad. (Ha.) I’ve tried to improve my situation, I’ve taken up some hobbies, but mainly I just work and sleep. I’m basically just a boring guy with no friends who constantly gets beat back down to the ground every time I try to right the ship so to speak. This is really the point of my letter actually. I’ve been trying to trace back to the beginning, the very point in my life when things appeared to steer off course. After many months of careful consideration and expensive therapy bills, I have discovered that my life began to suck the moment you fucked my girlfriend behind my back. Using the phrase behind my back seems silly, since it almost implies that I would have let you fuck Becky in front my eyes, and clearly that wouldn’t have happened.

Do you remember what was going through your mind when you decided to stick you dick in my girlfriend’s ass? I know we briefly discussed it once when I was drunk, but the details are sketchy. I do recall you offering up some line about how Becky seduced you that I dismissed at the time. A lot of time has passed and I have had many more experiences with women, so I’m a lot less resistant to the idea that she was in control of the situation. As you know, I pretty much considered you dead from the day this whole event went down, so I have no idea if you are a total asshole today or if this was a one-off type of experience. Maybe you were the victim of unwanted sex with my beloved, but I’m pretty sure that you got off a little bit. I’m not saying you enjoyed the fucking more because you knew it was another man’s love that you were violating, but if she came on to you like you described that one time in your back yard before I feebly attempted to throw a couple punches at your smug mug, then I can only assume you must have been “extra hard” while pounding her asshole to shreds.

I’m sorry to be re-hashing all this nonsense all these years later, and I’m kind of getting off track a bit here. Anyway, at the time I put a lot of blame on you for what happened. I considered you to be a gigantic asshole that had no concern for my feelings, when in fact I later learned that Becky was the one with no concern for my feelings. I’m sure you have no idea what happened after the day you beat me up in your backyard, since are paths never crossed again. So let me fill you in. Becky cried a lot, begged me for forgiveness, and told me she loved me and that it was all a big mistake. She visited me in the hospital daily, always crying about how it was her fault that I was there and how she was an idiot for messing up what we had. I tried to ignore her whenever she came to the hospital, the drugs made that easy for the first couple of days. As an aside, I want to say that I hold no grudge against you for the beating you applied to me that day. I was out of line for coming over to your house and making such a fuss about how you fucked up my life. Knowing what I know now about the real Becky, I basically consider my actions ill advised. Becky went on to worm her way back into my heart, but cheated on me again 2 months later with some other asshole.

Anyway, I have been struggling to trust women again since Becky ripped out my heart with her teeth. I don’t have much trust as you might imagine. But since Becky has moved to Montana and took out a restraining order against me, I’m not in a position to address my issues with her anymore. I’ve had some breakthroughs in therapy this week and I wanted to make amends with the people from the past that have contributed to my lack of self worth for the last decade. And since you were a major player in all this, I figured I’d drop you a line and ask you if you are free to meet up for a drink.

Dreams

I just woke up from a strange dream. I was at a random emo band concert, perhaps New Found Glory, who were playing on a stage connected to a restaurant. In the restaurant, there was a bar that you could sit at to eat. At the bar was Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker and Kirsten Dunst dressed as a nurse from WWII era having dinner side by side. Perhaps this dream demonstrates the power of advertising? Or could it result from drifting to sleep while listening to both stars talk to Oprah? In any case, a couple dining behind them both slipped on spilled water and I was the one to react fast and help them up from their fall. Not Spiderman. And then POOF...I had the urge to pee really bad and had to get up.

Time Flies

I opened up an invitation to my 15 year high school reunion today. Fifteen years has gone by already? Trust me, I'm not going, as I absolutely hated every day of high school. I wasn't cool in school. I'm sure you don't remember me. Wallflower power!