Dear Holden

Sorry it’s taken me so long to write you. I think it’s been like 12 years since we’ve talked. I felt odd calling you after such a long period of silence, so I am writing you this letter as a way of breaking the ice. The way we left things has been banging around in my mind this whole time and I thought it might be time to rectify the situation. My only hope is that you are still at this address or at least having your mail forwarded and that you actually get this letter. However, even if you don’t, I’m sure I’ll be a better person for writing it. Exposing the demons will help me move on in my life. At least that is what my therapist keeps telling me.

So, let me first tell you a little bit about where I’m at right now in life. I live alone. No wife, no kids, none of that stuff. I do have a job that I hate, so it’s not all bad. (Ha.) I’ve tried to improve my situation, I’ve taken up some hobbies, but mainly I just work and sleep. I’m basically just a boring guy with no friends who constantly gets beat back down to the ground every time I try to right the ship so to speak. This is really the point of my letter actually. I’ve been trying to trace back to the beginning, the very point in my life when things appeared to steer off course. After many months of careful consideration and expensive therapy bills, I have discovered that my life began to suck the moment you fucked my girlfriend behind my back. Using the phrase behind my back seems silly, since it almost implies that I would have let you fuck Becky in front my eyes, and clearly that wouldn’t have happened.

Do you remember what was going through your mind when you decided to stick you dick in my girlfriend’s ass? I know we briefly discussed it once when I was drunk, but the details are sketchy. I do recall you offering up some line about how Becky seduced you that I dismissed at the time. A lot of time has passed and I have had many more experiences with women, so I’m a lot less resistant to the idea that she was in control of the situation. As you know, I pretty much considered you dead from the day this whole event went down, so I have no idea if you are a total asshole today or if this was a one-off type of experience. Maybe you were the victim of unwanted sex with my beloved, but I’m pretty sure that you got off a little bit. I’m not saying you enjoyed the fucking more because you knew it was another man’s love that you were violating, but if she came on to you like you described that one time in your back yard before I feebly attempted to throw a couple punches at your smug mug, then I can only assume you must have been “extra hard” while pounding her asshole to shreds.

I’m sorry to be re-hashing all this nonsense all these years later, and I’m kind of getting off track a bit here. Anyway, at the time I put a lot of blame on you for what happened. I considered you to be a gigantic asshole that had no concern for my feelings, when in fact I later learned that Becky was the one with no concern for my feelings. I’m sure you have no idea what happened after the day you beat me up in your backyard, since are paths never crossed again. So let me fill you in. Becky cried a lot, begged me for forgiveness, and told me she loved me and that it was all a big mistake. She visited me in the hospital daily, always crying about how it was her fault that I was there and how she was an idiot for messing up what we had. I tried to ignore her whenever she came to the hospital, the drugs made that easy for the first couple of days. As an aside, I want to say that I hold no grudge against you for the beating you applied to me that day. I was out of line for coming over to your house and making such a fuss about how you fucked up my life. Knowing what I know now about the real Becky, I basically consider my actions ill advised. Becky went on to worm her way back into my heart, but cheated on me again 2 months later with some other asshole.

Anyway, I have been struggling to trust women again since Becky ripped out my heart with her teeth. I don’t have much trust as you might imagine. But since Becky has moved to Montana and took out a restraining order against me, I’m not in a position to address my issues with her anymore. I’ve had some breakthroughs in therapy this week and I wanted to make amends with the people from the past that have contributed to my lack of self worth for the last decade. And since you were a major player in all this, I figured I’d drop you a line and ask you if you are free to meet up for a drink.