Bunk Beds

So yesterday I went out to my sister's crib in Jersey to hang with my Dad who is in town for a couple days to see some band play down on the beach...whatever. When I do make it out yonder to fair Jersey, I always wind up being coax into sleeping with my nephew in his deluxe bunk bed arrangement. This is funny for many reasons. And by funny, I mean sad. I'm a big guy and bunk beds are made for children. Use your imagination. Secondly, I snore and little kids hate snoring. Or at least this little bugger does and he makes no bones about telling me so. Thirdly, sleep is unnecesary for children yet extremely necessary for my old ass. I went to sleep before 11 PM last night. Why? Because I knew at 7:30 AM a little munchkin was gonna jump on me while I am a state of deep sleep and scream "Uncle Skip, get up!!!"

I know that most of my stories seem to have some element of shitting involved to them and this one is no different. But let me preface this by saying that I have always had a gentle stomach and that this kind of thing doesn't always happen to me. It just seems like it because I share too much.

So last night my Dad suggests we go eat some Hibachi Japanese. I objected on the grounds that I don't eat Japanese food and I wasn't sure how it would make me feel. I had a lot of 7 layer dip and Miller Lites the night before and was kind of worried about what I was going to add to the mix in the ole gullet. I was overruled however since my neice and nephew love watching the chef do his little routine while cooks the meal up table side. Having never seen this whole Japanese Hibachi nonsense in the flesh, I decided that I would let the kids have their way and we were off to Shoguns for dinner. The act was okay, despite the fact that our chef burned his hand very early on in the performance and seemed to be in constant pain the entire time. The food was edible, but as per usual as soon as we rolled out of the parking lot I wanted to jet home to get out the bad if you know what I mean. Of course, the kids want ice cream and their darling mother needs to stop at Walmart to make an exchange (fucking suburbia!!!) so our trip home was anything but direct. Long story short, I had to take a dump in Walmart and the Ice Cream Palour. Awesome. I swear someone is up on high just laughing at my plight. I was miserable and in constant pain. I have sworn off Japanese for the rest of my life. Adding to the experience was the constant taunting from the little ones about me being a PARTY POOPER. They kept screaming this at me while I was writhing in pain on the ride home where I had my third bout of diarrhea in under 30 minutes. If there wasn't laws against hitting kids, look out. I wanted to knock their heads together something fierce.

So there you have it. My last 24 shit filled hours. I'm off to work from 3 to Midnight with a horrible night's sleep under my belt and I haven't tried food since we walked out of Shoguns. Wish me luck.

Oddness

So I woke up this morning and on my floor was a hand written note from a gal that works with me. Apparently she ran into my brother at a party and wound up back at my crib late night. I was fucking dumbstruck by this, I was not expecting someone who works with me to be in my house. I'll deal since this chick is off the chains cool and I wouldn't have minded her coming in a waking my shit up to chat for a hot minute. Anyway, I thought this shit was odd.

Flesh for Fantasy

So tonight was my fantasy football league's draft. For the 3rd straight year I was first pick which is basically the kiss of fucking death. Last year I took Ricky Williams first overall and that fucker quit football and is planning on going to India for a couple months. (NOT MY FAULT!)

This year, I took the Priest Holmes, so I'm all most certain he will get hurt the first week and be out for the season.

Here's my squad:

Priest Holmes, Domanick Davis, Michael Bennett, Darrell Jackson, Santana Moss, Javon Walker, Anquan Boldin, Randy McMichael, Erron Kinney, Matt Hasselbeck, Jack Plummer, John Kasay, John Carney, Philadelphia and St. Lous Defense.

Syncronized Swimming

How did this originate? Who came up with the scoring system?

Annoying

Here's a partial list of the things that annoy me:

Saturday Night TV
Larry King
Junk Mail
Jock Itch
Tipping Pizza Delivery guys
Eating, then immediately shitting
Lending money to people who don't pay you back
People with horrible taste in movies
People who don't clean up after themselves
Annoying drunks
Emails about increasing penis size or How to get a free IPOD!
Roaming Charges on my cell phone bill
Gas Prices
Having to pee while watching a movie in the theater
wmv files
Not getting enough sleep
Feeling a cold sore start
The Phillies
Safe Auto commercials
The promise of "free porn" which always turns out to be a false claim
Liars
Credit Card bills
APR
Cats
Crying babies
Forgetting what I need to buy when I am in the store
Missing the bus
Cute girls with boyfriends
Boy Bands, including New Found Glory and Maroon 5 (yep, they are boy bands people)
Working on the weekends

Psycho Girl Webcam

This is a combination of erotic, desperate and scary. I do have sisters and I would hate to think of how they could use technology in this manner. You have to listen to the commentary to get the full experience.

The Human Shit Stain

Let me tell you, I have been on quite a terrible rental tear lately. Even since I got my Netflix list down to zero, I have been taking chances on movies that I just know will suck. Taking Lives, Sex and Lucia, Dog Soldiers, Secret Window, Perfect Score and the Lindsay Lohan trainwreck that I already wrote about. Anyway...

The depths to which The Human Stain sucks is remarkable considering the talented cast. Sir Anthony Hopkins is playing an old black dude who has an affair with Nicole Kidman a depressed mother of two dead kids who has attempted suicide who also used to be married to Ed Harris playing a crazy old Vietnam Vet who is delusional. Throw in a voiceover/secondary role by Gary Sinese and you have the makings of utter shit. It's preposterous. Did I mention the back drop is the whole Clinton/Lewinsky saga? It's a fucking mess and I feel dumber for watching it.

However, as a fan of reality television, I was excited to see full frontal nudity by Jacinda Barret. You may recall Jacinda from the Real World London, the hot Aussie chick. Did you also know that she and Chris Hardwick (Shipmates, House of 1,000 Corpses, Singled Out, Rodeohead) were an item for quite a while? Hit up Mr. Skin if you want to see her boobies and bush, cause this fucking movie ain't worth the time.

House Hunting

So today I got up on 6 hours sleep to go look at a house in West Philly. I'm in the process of considering to possibly buy a piece of property with my younger brother Mike and his wife. Naturally when you have to get up early for something, you get stuck at work until an ungodly hour. Or is that just my luck? Some poor girl was stuck on a call with one of Marge Simpson's sisters until 12:40 AM last night. Just enough time for me to miss my 12:30 bus home. Yippee! Anyway, I digress as I am prone to do...

Rolled outta bed and got down to West Philly to see this house which turned out to be super...if you have a severe crack problem and are actually homeless. However, if you are looking to buy something to inhabit in 5 months, this wasn't the place for you. Basically it was a shell of a house. Everything inside it would need to be replaced....down to the beams in the ceilings. And for this lovely fixer upper, the realtor only wanted a measely $160,000. Fuck you. I will say this, you can pretty much wash down any disappointment in life by following it up with a hearty breakfast at Perkins. Which I did. Yum.

So, since I was off today and the whole house thing was a mess, I decided to check out a flick. Open Water wasn't as scary as they advertise, but I found myself enjoying it somewhat. I would have rather seen Hero, but what are you gonna do? Sharks are scary. Period. Especially when they are real ones. I'd probably recommend waiting for the DVD if you are curious.

Owww

My wrist is killing me. I think I may have broken it slightly while lifting crates at my company's warehouse yesterday. Yeah, that's right I was lifting shit in a warehouse yesterday. All day. No breaks. The only reason I went to college was so that I could avoid working in a fucking warehouse and here I am dirty, sweating and surrounded by people with an IQ of 65. We are apparently having some severe issues with hiring our in the warehouse and therefore people's orders are not making it out in 3 weeks. It's ridiculous but the people working in the warehouse don't have the brain power to think of what could happen if this package that is laying on the floor never makes it to the customer who ordered it. Word on the street is that I might be back there again on Saturday at the crack of dawn. It's such a fucking joke. Does anyone know of anyone selling a gun? I think it might be time to end my misery.

Disgusted with Myself.

I have no idea what made me think that Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen would be worthy of viewing. Clearly a man of my age should not be renting any movie produced under the Disney umbrella, but I'll tell you what, that Lindsay Lohan is like crack. I can't get enough of her. It's a sickness. The movie was practically unwatchable since I am not a 12 year old girl, so all I could do was let my mind wander and imagined all these different romantic situations Lindsay and I could share if only she would recognize! It's just plain dirty. I did enjoy the music video of Lindsay singing That Girl that was included on the DVD but that was because she looked like a fucking sexpot lip synching to that catchy pop crap. I shall cry myself to sleep now...

P.S. Did you know that Lindsay's Love Interest (if you can him that in this flick) was played by Stifler's Brother? He's all tall and shit. Weird.

Jon Stewart Rocks!

1991: I'm entering my third year of college and there is some "college" themed thing down at the old Convention Center out in West Philadelphia that I was encouraged to attend by some loser handing out leaflets on Temple's campus. The big draw was some cover band or some old hair metal band or something, but what I noticed was that Jon Stewart was going to do some stand up on the main stage and I was really into stand up at the time. (One Night Stand on HBO was my shiznitch!) Anyway, I was there to see Jon. That's it. I was lucky enough to be standing in the right place at the right time and what do you know I wound up standing 3 feet from him before he was scheduled to hit the stage. He was making time with a couple of young college cuties and I walked up to him all long haired and retarded looking and said the following to him: "you must be swimming in pussy!" If you recall Jon had just been given a show on MTV that was to rival Johnny Carson and Arsenio Hall. Needless to say, Jon said "I wish!" We chatted a bit, I slid him a Bloodhound Gang demo (I figured that while I was down there in College Kid Heaven, I should hand out some demos) and wished him the best.

My point of this story? I just watched Jon Stewart interview Senator John Kerry on the Daily Show tonight. Stewart lands Kerry over all the major shows. It's fucking amazing! Jon is and always was a funny motherfucker. And now that he is doing extremely well (expanding 18-34 year old audience, new baby, new book, etc.), I'm thrilled that I can say I knew him when he was a nobody and he was a great guy.

Poor, but Happy?

I had managed to convince myself that you don't need money to be happy, but lately I am starting to re-think this philosophy. There is a ton of music I want to buy, but I can't. I eat pretzels and ice cream 3 nights a week to cut down on expenses. Expansive waistline be damned! I play Powerball twice a week, but that's more habit than pipedream at this point. I pay $500 a month for a car I barely drive. I pay for two phones I don't use. I'm not making nearly enough money for the work I do each day. (Who doesn't feel this way?) It's all so pathetic. I'm just so fucking tired of worrying about money, making money, spending money.

Did I mention I am trying to buy a house? I guess that's why I'm all focused on money these days. I've always put my money towards entertainment and never worried about the bigger picture. I resisted the car/driving thing until I was 25 and now look at me? I barely drive the damn thing!! It's tough realizing that you have to put your money towards debt, bills and responsible shit and cut out all the bullshit. On the bright side, I guess most folks come to this realization at 24 years old and I'm almost 33.

Tarantino's Blog

Rumor says that this could be a fake blog....but I read it and I'm guessing it's real.

What Happened?

There once was a time when I had real men for friends. I cannot believe the amount of pussies I am currently surrounded by. It's August people. And August means two things are certain. 1) You are gonna sweat. 2) You need to think about your Fantasy Football drafting strategy.

I have been running a fantasy league for over 10 years now and many men have come and gone, but this year astounds me. I'm losing half my league! 6 guys are bailing on me. Everyone is crying about money. It's ridiculous. You have 6 fucking months to save up 150 bucks. Do I need to break this down into the pennies a day analogy? Not to mention the fun you will have for 16 weeks...a little over $9 a week to make Sunday a whole lot more interesting.

The only thing worse than dropping out of a fantasy football league are those fucks who say they want in and then bail on you the week of the draft. What kind of man is that? "Oh man, it's this Sunday?" or "Wow. $150 is pretty steep." It's a sad state of affairs when you can't find 12 guys to come together and gamble on football.

Fun with Banana.

I love webcams! And the song is a nice touch. Guys, enjoy...

Weekend Off

For my first weekend off in about 2 months, I managed to do absolutely little and that was just fine with me. I did the family thing today, sat poolside and watched people in bathing suits empty my aunt Marie's pool of water. So many kids I wanted to pull my hair out. Yesterday partook in the First Birthday celebration of Maxwell, my buddy's kid, while completely hungover from the beer mixing incident on Friday night. Last night I lost $10 playing poker and tried to comprehend how unfair it is that you can't pick your in-laws. Max's Daddy brought his brother in-law from hell who besides annoying everyone in attendance, remained sober all night so he could pick clean all the drunks who didn't walk away from the table when they should have. Not my favorite poker night, but whenever you can hang out with the boys and drink a few, life is okay.

Time for some Ice Cream and a few cheese pretzels. It's Sunday night, and that means Ali G, Def Poetry Jam and Entourage.

Respekt!

Mixing Beers....Not Good

Take it from a man with a gentle stomach, you cannot mix PBR, Stella, Amstel and Harp without causing serious damage to your colon. I'm dropping bombs that stink worse than Brideburg today and I think it may be the PRB that I guzzled down early last night. Ugh.

Anyway, last night was kind of odd. Went out straight from work to grab a couple with some friends, met up with other friends for a b-day get together at a shitty bar and wound up discovering that a girl who works with me is somehow swinging in the same social circle that I am. In addition to that, found out that another friend is dating a chick who's best friend also works with me. The world is a small place after all.

I guess I had fun. Bounced on the early side as usual since my tolerance for binge drinking only goes so far these days. I was kind of disappointed about seeing a couple friends who are now a couple interact socially for the first time in my presence. I had heard stories of wild PDA and lap sitting, but I saw none of this. Secret Lovers....

Angelina Jolie, Always Naked

Is Angelina Jolie talented? I ask this because I can't fucking tell. I usually can't stop focusing on her gigantic lips when I see her in a movie. And then there is always the gratuitous topless shot that further annoys/distracts me. Don't get me wrong, I love nudity, but with Angelina it just seems so pointless. It's almost like she insisted on having her character take off her shirt. Is she proud of her tits? I mean they are nice enough, but I still don't see why I needed to see them in Taking Lives. Now I know what you are thinking, why in the world would I watch this piece of crap? Well, I don't know. I guess I wanted insight on to why Ethan Hawke left Uma Thurman while making this flick. Or I figured it couldn't be as bad as people said it was. In the end, it was merely a waste of time and even seeing boobs didn't make it any better.

And what's up with a fucking 2 line role by Keifer Sutherland?

Wonder Bread Sandwich Container

Wonder Bread Sandwich Container
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Do I ever pack sandwiches? No. Then why would I buy this item? Because it was 40% off dammit!

My Job Has 1 Perk. That's It.

So working in retail in any capacity kind of blows. I get it. However, emloyee appreciation in the form of 40% off anything in the store kicks ass. I'm gonna go broke buying shit I don't need, but I'm going down with a smile on my face...

Make it stop.

fat albert
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Horrorific

I can't say that Freddy vs. Jason was exactly what the world was waiting for, but for the genre it was okay. Not great, not super bad. However, I was hoping to God there would NOT be a sequel to this film. I mean really, how far can you go with this shit. Neither of them ever die. We get it already. But....

The news out today is that Sam Raimi is considering blessing the production of a sequel called Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash. I know Bruce Campbell is popping a wood right this fucking moment. Could be a mess, could be kind of cool.

Slut

MTV has hit a new low in reality television. I didn't think anyone could top Trashelle from Real World Las Vegas, but on tonight's Road Rules some chick fucked the Ivy League Road Ruler on her first night! Jillian you are a whore and your parents will be so proud of you.

P.S. Call me.

Sad Song Karaoke

I like karaoke. I know a lot of people cringe at the idea of performing in front of people, and I myself need to be buzzing a bit to get up there, but I love captivating an audience. Especially when people don't expect me to be able to sing and then they hear a voice of an angel as my Grandmother used to say. What I don't like is that the song selections pretty much blow at karaoke nights down at the local watering hole. I would love nothing more than to be able to sing Lover, You Should Have Come Over by Jeff Buckley to share the magic of this incredible song with people who could use the diversion from the duet of Summer Nights butchered by 4 drunk sorority girls that is sure to be happening at a karaoke night at this very moment.

Two mentions of this song in one day. And the lyrics posted no less. What will you do next Skip?



Lover, You Should Have Come Over


Looking out the door I see the rain fall
upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
as their shoes fill up with water
Maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

I'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, you know how much I need it
Too young to hold on and too old to break free and run

Sometimes a man he gets carried away,
when he feels like he should be having his fun
And he's much too blind to see the damage he's done
'Cause sometimes a man must awake to find that really he has no one

So I'll wait for you and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made,
the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams
he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

Sometimes a man he gets carried away,
when he feels like he should be having his fun
And he's much too blind to see the damage he's done
Cause sometimes a man must awake to find that really he has no one

So I'll wait for you and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late
'Cause it's not too late

Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs

Chuck Klosterman is a writer that I just discovered. The guy is so dead on with pop culture observations it scares me. He may be my new hero. Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs is chock full of short "observations" on subjects such as Guns and Roses cover bands, The Real World and Pam Anderson. Buy it. Read it. Love it.

Annoying Search For Music

So today, on my day off, I was planning on getting some things accomplished that have been lingering on my to do list for a while. First up was take back a pair of defective eyeglasses. The useless coating that is apparently anti-reflexive (whatever that is? Salesmen just make shit up to overcharge you, I swear), had a big smear on my 2nd pair that I just purchased. I was really not paying attention to them upon the inspection I gave when they came in so I had to lug my ass all the way back out to King of Prussia from Philly. (Sidenote: What the fuck is going on with the turnpike? I jumped on at KOP to cruise over to Plymouth meeting, a 5 mile drive, and the ride cost me $1.00!!! When did this happen? Fucking Bush.)

Good news is, the return of the bum pair was hassle free. I'll get a call in a week to go pick up another brand new pair of shades that are hopefully 100%.

Back to bad news. I was hitting Best Buy to grab the Garden State Soundtrack and perhaps the Snow Patrol CD for cheap and low and behold, Garden State isn't out yet?!?!? How do you realease a movie and not have the soundtrack in the fucking store? Poor marketing decision. So I picked up Jamie Cullem's Twentysomething for $7.00 in addition to the Snow Patrol disc. Cullem rocks! I have been haunted by the All at Sea track that XPN keeps playing, but I was surprised to see that he does a ton of covers, some of my faves actually. Radiohead's High and Dry and Jeff Buckley's Lover You Should Have Come Over are stand out tracks. Best 7 bucks I ever spent. He's kind of like a young, alternative (I hate that word), Harry Connick...so if that sounds appealing, download or ask me to burn it for you.

Moving on, I broke my self imposed ban on fast food today. I was starving and about to hit Target when it occured to me that I should eat something at the "food court" thing at the front of the store. My choices were Hot Dogs, Pizza Slut and Taco Hell, so I cracked and grabbed 2 Chicken Quesadillas. Fast forward 10 minutes and there I am dropping a deuce in the men's room at Target. Will I ever learn? I think my body rejected the concept of fast food since it have been 8 1/2 months since I ate my last Wendy's double w/cheese. Oh well, I guess it's better to fall off this wagon than the smoking one.

Target is heaven. I defy you to challenge me on this. They have everything you need, as I'm sure K Mart and Walmart do, but their shit just looks cooler. I'm sadly enticed into buying all kinds of shit that I think is marketed towards a 14 year old girl too. Fucking Target. I was in there to grab poster board for my upcoming Fantasy Football draft, but you can't just grab stuff in Target. Well that's not true, but when you have the Taco Bell RUN FOR THE BORDER, you have time to wander/shop in between visits to the potty. When I finally hit the checkout I had managed to score 2 sets of sheets, something I don't replace often enough like most men. I decided to grab a comforter to match for 17 bones, some underwears (another item that was much needed) and a can opener since ours was fucking useless.

An oh yeah, I bought fish food. Speaking of which, our tank is looking very green these days. I think someone may be "feeding" algea chips to our algea eaters and they didn't read the package on dosage and feeding instructions. It could be the reason behind the immensely cloudy water? I can barely see the fish in there. Guess I'll clean the tank tonight.

Snow Patrol is tight. Listening to it now. Irish dudes I think.

Define Pathetic?

So after I decided to go the sober route last night, I watched another wasteful hour of Big Brother (The Cowboy dude has a picket fence for teeth...ewww.), about half of Dog Soldiers on DVD (sucked), ate a bowl of ice cream which made me violently ill. I'm assuming that America's Choice Cookies and Cream doesn't go well with the Champange of Beers. After I exhausted all my options on television, I did what any normal 32 year old single male would do on a Saturday night. (Not jerk off you pervert...)

I put on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory from On Demand and lulled myself to sleep to the strains of Leslie Bricusse's score. That Pure Imagination number by Gene Wilder is intoxicating.

COME WITH ME
AND YOU'LL BE
IN A WORLD OF PURE IMAGINATION
TAKE A LOOK
AND YOU'LL SEE
INTO YOUR IMAGINATION

40 oz.

I drank a Forty tonight. It wasn't as fun as I remember it being. The fact that is was Miller High Life, the Champange of Beers, didn't really make much of a difference. Saturday night and I'm drinking a 40 oz. at 7 PM preparing for a night of sitting in. I have no idea what has happened to me, but I have no desire to spend time with people or go out anywhere. I'm content reading, watching television, listening to music and being silent. People just bore me anymore. You spend time with people, invest in them and they wind up just disappointing you anyway. It's easier to cut yourself off from any type of contact with people.

I'm not lonely, just alone.

Not to mention broke. Chicago + Strippers = Broke Ass Skip. My forty is gone and I'm at that point in time where you either make the turn and get more alcohol in your system and get fucking wasted or you just give up, drink some water and sober up. I'm probably headed toward the latter since drinking is such a waste of time these days. It's takes so much beer to make me drunk that I wind up feeling bloated. Maybe I'll just do shots and blackout and shit all over the house....

No Kilby, Don't Go.

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Craig Kilborn has decided to quit CBS' ``Late Late Show'' after five seasons, leaving the network to find a new host for the hour that follows ``Late Show with David Letterman.''

"It was easily the greatest job I've had, and CBS was very generous in their offer to re-sign me,'' Kilborn told Daily Variety. "But I simply want to try something new. I can now focus on writing and producing different television projects I haven't had time for.''

Not one to pass up a gag, Kilborn added: ``And this is cool: I will continue to wear makeup in my everyday life.''

Kilborn had drawn solid ratings for CBS since he took the time slot over from Tom Snyder. Since 1999, the audience had grown 34 percent to this season's average of 1.7 million viewers.

He likely will wrap up his tenure by within a month, according to a source close to the production, Variety reported Friday. The program is produced by Letterman's company, Worldwide Pants.

Sniffle. I liked Craigers.

First Bob Ross, now this? What will PBS do?

In "I didn't know she was alive?" news, Julia Child died at age 91.

It's Not Fair!

Comedian Andrew Dice Clay is shopping a series, the Daily News' gossip column reported yesterday. The series "could star him, his wife and ... his girlfriend." He explains, "I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them."

I can't find ONE woman, and this asshole has a wife AND a girlfriend AND possibly a TV show. I'm going to kill myself...

I'm Seriously Considering...

Can you imagine real stamps of Lindsay Lohan's nipple slip? Or how about mailing a letter with a stamp of your own ass affixed to it?

Teen Movie Slut of the Week

Michelle
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Michelle Trachtenberg. Do you know the name? Probably not. If you are a dork and watched Buffy, you would. I never saw the show, so I have to dig back into the children's fare that she was in to place her face. Michelle was Harriet the Spy and the little girl in Inspector Gadget. Now does she ring a bell?

Why did I select Michelle as this week's slut? Because based on her most recent screen performance as the hot twin in Eurotrip, it is my assesment that she has potential. Eurotrip wasn't exactly the best comedy I have ever seen, but I did laugh a bunch. And Michelle was hot. Seriously hot. Michelle was born in 1985, so she won't be a teen for long.

What's also cool about my selection this week is that all three of my selections thus far are all filming a movie right now called Vinyl. In addition to starring Michelle, Thora and Dominique, there are a ton of young talent casted. Check it out on IMDB.

Michelle is also making a figure skating movie...which depending on the direction they go with costuming has potential for camel toe. First camel toe, then topless. I love it.

Fuck New York

Random Rolls of Film

Did you ever come across a roll of film that looks like it just slipped through the cracks? It was clearly used to capture some priceless moments, but the intention of getting it developed past and you wound up with a finished roll of film buried amongst the ruins. Something like that happened to me today. Well, actually it happened the other week when I went to Chicago. I decided not to take my $700 camera on the trip for fear I would break it or the airline would break it or lose it....I have trust issues. Anyway, I found my old crappy 35 mm from yesteryear and low and behold there is a roll in progress with about 10 exposures available. So I threw it my bag and brought it along for shits and giggles.

So today, I decided to get the film processed, along with another roll that I was unsure about. I popped it in 1 hour at CVS, headed to the movies to see Collateral and swung back around after the movie to grab the developed film. My curiosity was driving me nuts. I did recall taking a few shots in Chicago, mainly miscellaneous hotel room shots of us drinking beer. (What makes us think this is going to make a good picture? I have a ton of shots of my friends just randomly holding up a beer to the camera with a smile...how creative!) I had no idea what else could be on Roll A. Now Roll B, I was sure I recalled taking a picture of Noele (a friend of mine) but otherwise that roll was a mystery as well.

Drum roll....

So Roll A turns out be at least a year old, maybe longer and involves a lot of drinking and fraternizing at parties up on Temple's campus. Could be right before I moved in with the young ones here in Manayunk, could be right after. There is one telling shot of me and baby brother Dan in which we are both a lot thinner. (He's gonna cry when he sees them.) Some girls, guys I don't know, people who don't hang out anymore. It was all very nostalgic. It was a time when a lot of people who no longer spend time together basically never left each other's sides. It's odd to be part of another transition into adulthood, you know when you just basically get a life and put your friends at reach. They will always be there when you need them, but you are getting some distance from them. It happened to me around 1994 the first time, when I pursued being a rock star (Wink) and couldn't make time for my boys. Everything works out, friendships shift, things get easier. But it's weird being a part of that or at least around a group of guys where that is happening. Deja Vu?

Roll B was the bike race a few months back and an odd night of drunken dancing with South African folks. Oy vey. This captured the same group basically at a different point in time. Fun was being had by all, you can see the bonds between people, but everything looks different. Everyone looks older, wiser, more mature (except for Dan doing the Hawaiian shuffle) and in my case, larger.

The one thing that put this in perspective for me, the passing of time that is, was that each roll contained a picture of Jamison, the dog of the house and one of my dear friends. In Roll A she is a puppy, in Roll B full grown. Dogs grow fast, but when you are around them everyday you kind of don't notice it. Seeing her transformation made me think about good times here, the fact that we all get older and move on, that I may not see Jamison every day soon enough. Looking back is good sometimes. I think about how I may be fatter, but I did quit smoking. I have slowed down my drinking, but I did have some great times while drunk. I think about new friends and old friends. (Some of Roll B contained wedding shots from my buddy Jack's wedding a while back...) I think about challenges that I faced the past few years; being unemployed, being employed at something I hated, finding a job that suits me. I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel comfortable in who I am and how I have lived my life thus far. I'm old but I'm young. I didn't do things the conventional way, but I feel that makes me richer some how.

Take time to look back, you might enjoy it.

Pervert Quiz

Clearly I did poorly on this quiz....

Deleriously Bored

Things on my desk right now:

$12
nail clippers
a middle finger notepad
cell phone
2 Ron Burgundy temporary tattoos
Windex
soiled napkin
1 imodium tablet
negatives and rolls of undeveloped film
4 eyeglass holders
my ITrip
ticket stubs to aforementioned Harold and Kumar and Garden State
pens
muppets mousepad
a teletubby doll
2 rocks from the pacific ocean beach in Cali
lots of bills and shit I should be filing or paying right now

Shaun of the Dead

I saw a preview for this movie...what an odd premise. It's a british zombie comedy? I guess the whole 28 Days Later phenom inspired some of those wacky brits to come up with this gem?!!? I did see the receptionist from the Office in the trailer, so perhaps this has promise? Click the title and see what you think...

Pearl Jam May Record A New CD

NEW YORK (Billboard) - After Pearl Jam reassembles in early October for its first live shows in nearly a year, the Seattle rock outfit will get busy on its eighth studio album.

Who fucking cares? These guys haven't been relevant in like 10 years. Eat shit Pearl Jam.

New Jersey

So I made it a double feature on my day off today. Tomorrow I am going to a warehouse to count clothes in boxes (don't ask), so I figured I'd make the best of this day. I love the inside of theater. No one knows me, no one talks to me. It's awesome. Anyway, ironically enough I went to see Garden State and Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle in New Jersey. This is ironic because both movies take place in NJ, the latter of which ends in good old Cherry Hill, where I was partaking in this cinema double shot. The Loews in Cherry Hill ain't too shabby by the way. Not very 2 for 1 friendly, but clean, reasonably priced concessions and they show some art flicks on ocassion.

But I digress...

Garden State is that rare gem that comes along only so often. I loved it from start to finish. It's like a chick flick for guys. You know the type, Beautiful Girls or Life Is A House. It's the kind of movie that I'm not sure girls will appreciate, but it's definitely better than 90% of the shit that comes to a theater near you. Soundtrack was dope, performances strong, great balance of drama and comedy. Go fucking see it.

Now Harold and Kumar on the other hand...Ugh. If you liked Dude Where's My Car and Half Baked, go see this hunk of crap. I'm not a real fan of stoner humor, but I started hearing people I respect say this movie was funny as hell. (I know better now...) Everything was obvious funny, not clever funny. Stick to Road Trip, even the pot humor in that movie is funnier than this one. Although I did think the scenes involving Kumar marrying a giant bag of weed was priceless. The rest was just pointless. You live, you learn.

P.S. This rarely happens, but every single preview before Garden State looked good. Sideways from Alexander Payne (Election, About Schmidt, etc.) looks tight. I was dreading Finding Neverland, another Peter Pan movie, but it looks decent and Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet are both swell actors. Even Motorcycle Diaries looks interesting.

Counterstrike Support Call

I don't know if I find this funny because I take these types of calls at work or because I know grown men who play games like this and can just imagine that Andrew is an alias for one of them.

Hungover

Got in from stripper insanity @ 4 AM, up at 11 AM and in work by Noon. Lager farts, topsy turvy stomach, beer sweats, the whole nine. Right now I'm sitting in air conditioning watching the TV and trying not to use my brain because it hurts. Congrats Matt! Your bachelor party was the bomb! And now I must shit mud...

Boobie Khan

There is no feeling like licking whipped cream off a stripper's landing strip. Like always, I was looking for a girl I knew to be working there, no luck.

How Far Will A Man Go To See Strippers?

Let's put it this way. I am about to head out to work from 3 PM - Midnight tonight. I get to come home, place my head on the pillow, get back up at 6:30 AM to head back to work so I can get out tomorrow at 4 PM. Why? Because I'm going to DayDreams tomorrow night to watch naked ladies giggle. It's my buddy The Blank's bachelor party, and since I am unable to attend this wedding in Colorado next month, I have to make a strong showing for him. Yeah, that's it...I'm only going to be a good friend. The boobs are just an extra. Like ketchup.

Real Time with Bill Maher

Do you watch this show? Well, you should. It's a very entertaining talk show about politics. This week's guests were Michael Moore, Kim Campbell (Former Prime Minister of Canada) and some asshole Republican Congressman who walked off the show during Bill Maher's hilarious "New Rules" segment. And oh yeah, Ralph Nader was on and both Bill amd Michael Moore got on there knees and begged him not to run for President.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that Michael Moore said something interesting about the polls we keep seeing that show Kerry and Bush as neck and neck for November 2nd. Moore says that the formula that media outlets use to conduct the polls are no longer an accurate barometer because they only poll would be voters based on those who have voted in the past. This election will dramatically different due to 911, both the event and the movie. Tons of people who never voted are fired up about politics. The youth of America is going to make a play in this election and I for one am excited to see so many people taking an interest in the direction we go as a country. Is Kerry the messiah? Hell no. But he ain't Bush. First things first people....let's get Bush out and then stay on Kerry's dick like herpes.

Kerry/Edwards 2004!

XXX brown bunny XXX

Community leaders in Los Angeles are fuming after a giant poster was erected in Hollywood showing Chloe Sevigny performing oral sex on Brown Bunny co-star Vincent Gallo. The 60 foot poster has appeared on Sunset Boulevard next to the exclusive Chateau Marmont Hotel - to advertise the controversial film which stunned viewers at this year's Cannes Film Festival and will hit limited cinemas in America this month. But local activists have threatened to tear the raunchy hording down. The movie has provoked outrage because it features a graphic ten minute scene in which Sevigny actually performs fellatio on Brown Bunny director Gallo. But Sevigny recently defended the film's use of graphic sex: "There are a lot of misconceptions about the film. Most of the people who have been writing about it haven't even seen the film. When people do see it, they will realize that the sex in the movie is not in any way gratuitous, that is a truly heartbreaking movie. I am proud of it."

What kind of mind control does Vincent Gallo use? To be honest though, I was convinced that Casper was really fucking Chloe in the movie KIDS. Maybe I was right?

Revenge is PRICELESS

I know this link is like a hundred years old, but it's quite enjoyable. Click away perverts!

The Power of Flash Animation

Teen Movie Slut of the Week

Thora Birch and her Friends
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Thora Birch starred in many dumb movies as a child. Monkey Trouble with Keitel, All I Want For Christmas, Hocus Pocus are all movies that I haven't seen, and since she wasn't a teen when they were made it would be creepy for me to even comment on this section of her body of work. It wasn't until she stole the show as one of the 12 year old girls in Now and Then that Thora began to be noticed as a seriously talented actress. Her character name was ironically enough, Tina "Teeney" Turcell in Now and Then. Little did anyone know at the time that soon after the release of this movie, her career as a child actor would come screeching to a halt due to her development of Size DD boobs.

Which gets us to the heart of the matter. Thora was swell in the finely acted and Academy Award winning American Beauty. Not only did she bang some weirdo who loves floating plastic bags, she flashed those gigantic meat balloons of her's for the world to see. Good bless her parents for signing consent, as Thora was only 16 when this scene was filmed. Oh my! (Sidenote: Mena Suvari trying to get Mr. Spacey up in her was kind of cool too.)

In 2000, Thora played the graphic novel character Enid in Ghost World. This movie is significant for a couple reasons. One, Buscemi is super as a nerdy record collector. Two, without nudity and despite changing hair colors, Thora manages to look like a hot chubby girl with problems. Finally, we are introduced to another babe actress by the name of Scarlett Johanson who plays Enid's best friend.

Of course, I was convinced after seeing Thora in both American Beauty and Ghost World that she was going to become a very strong leading lady a la Scarlett has, but this wasn't the case. I think Thora messed up by playing a significat role in Dungeons and Dragons the movie. (Ugh.) You know what I say. Whip them out Thora and get back your career!

Downer

I was feeling good today. Got my new glasses, ate a hearty breakfast a Denny's, read the Philly Weekly and took a long drive. And then I got online and whammo! an instant message from someone that I was not eager to speak to. What is it about girls who fuck you over and then constantly crave forgiveness? Isn't life too short to keep going backwards and trying to sop up some mess you made? You dicked me over! I dealt with, I'm over it. Don't keep trying to get me to be your friend. Here's how the male's mind works.

You rejected me.
I hate you.
You want to be friends.
I can easily reconsider hating you and go back to thinking about fucking you.
(Stay strong dude...)
No, I hate you.

It's simple people. When you find someone that you think has all the qualities that you want in a partner, you do stupid shit. It's better to go out, drink your face off, make sure she did too and lay a smacker on her lips. No fucking waltzing around shit. No pining. This ain't a Shakespeare play, it's a game. Romance and honesty are dead. It's about small talk and flirting.

I'm cool with this person reaching out to me. It's just that now I'm in a lousy mood. I don't get off on telling people that they just weren't the person I thought they were. I don't like causing people pain. I wish I could be friends again. I'm just a weakling...a coward. I'd rather put up a fence than eat shit stew. If I'm your friend again, you win. Not only did I make an ass out of myself, but now I get to be your buddy! A friend with no benefits! You can tell me about your latest crush, or which emo band you are listening to these days! And I get to constantly remember how I felt on the day I opened my mouth every time I look at you or see your messages pop up on my Mac or hear your screeching laugh. I'm weak. And now I'm down. Again.

Reality Television Whore

My Tuesday night consisted of watching Big Brother, Amazing Race, a taped episode of Trading Spouses on FOX and then I popped in the second disc of the first season of The Joe Schmo Show. (I never watched Spike TV, so I missed this one when it was on...) I'm exhausted right now, but I don't have work until 3 PM and I just fucking love television. I'm so glad I volunteered to write a column about reality TV for a new website that is launching in October. I needed an excuse (or justification?) to watch more television.

Time for bed. Tomorrow I get new shades from America's Best. I'll be rocking like Dokken!

Doppelganger

I forgot to mention this tasty tid bit from Illinois. Some fucking loser Cub fan walking past me outside the game yelled in my face the following: "Hey Michael Moore!" I was thinking to myself, do I where my politics on my sleeve or what? Did this jack off think that I would be offended? I hadn't shaved in a couple days, so I guess I brought it on myself. The stunning part of this exchange was that the tool bag was holding some chick's hand while he berated me. Even a fucking loser like that has a girlfriend. Pathetic.

From the Desk of Rivers

O'Reilly....watch your ass!

Starting Sept. 7, Sundance will package the best of Al Franken's three-hour weekday radio program into a one-hour telecast of highlights that will air at 11:30 p.m. the same night, with repeats at 2:30 a.m. and 7 a.m. the next morning.

Nice.

Home Sweet Hell.

I'm back from Chicago. Things I want to talk about (and some I don't.):

1. Phillies lost 2 of 3. This sucks. To add insult to injury, they lost on Sunday and Maddox didn't win his 300th game. Seeing that feat might have taken the edge off the loss.

2. I shared a full size bed (Lenox Suites claims it was Queen Size) with a grown man. And he attempted to cuddle with me one night while he was asleep.

3. I ate like a king at ESPN Zone across the street from my hotel and pulled the old Dine and Dash. (I was drunk obviously...)

4. Saw that black dude from the Practice outside my hotel.

5. Drank a malt liquor/energy drink called Sparks that a co-worker of mine has raved about for weeks. It was quite delicious...thanks for the tip Joolie.

6. Found a 40+ Midwestern woman mildly attractive while the Phils were leading on Friday.

7. Found same woman unbearably annoying once Phils were losing on Friday.

8. Watched Myers and the Weasel get schooled in pool by 2 dykes.

9. Saw the Village shitfaced. Not sure if I liked it. At one point I was snoring so loud Myers had to smack me to wake me up. Apparently I was disturbing the audience from waiting for what M. Night will do next. That crazy Indian has done it again.

10. Didn't shit myself or throw up at any point. God I'm good.