Today's Shit.

First of all a "good riddance" is in order for Johnny Cochran the scummiest of scum bag lawyers. I'm happy to see a brain tumor was the cause, disappointed it came in 2005 rather than 1995. Or 1985 for that matter. Maybe OJ would be in prison like he belongs if JC died in '85? Nah, Marcia Clarke would have still fucked it up. I wonder if Chris Darden is still up in that shit?

In tragic death news, Paul Hester killed himself in Australia today. I'm sure at this point you are saying to yourself, "who the hell is Paul Hester?" Well, Paul was the drummer for the Greatest Rock Band to come out of Australia ever. No, not Midnight Oil. No, not INXS (although they do have a member that hung himself). Crowded House dammit! I'm a super fan of the House and all things Neil Finn, so I was actually quite sad to hear about Paul hanging himself in the park while walking his dogs. Don't Dream It's Over. RIP.

In movie news, check out this story about the forthcoming documentary on my main man and Texas crazy Daniel Johnston. It won best Doc over at Sundance and I'm sure it's gonna be off the chains. If you haven't heard of Daniel Johnston, Itunes some of his shit and soak up the brillance.

New Surreal Life cast looks like this: The Apprentice's Omarosa, Top Model's Janice Dickinson, steroid king Jose Canseco, Bronson Pinchot, and Salt-n-Pepa's Pepa. I actually feel bad for Balky. Now that we are 5 seasons deep, I think it's scary to think that my dream house of washed up celebs and reality TV whores might actually come true some day. My Surreal Life dream cast looks like this: Molly Ringwald, Coral from The Real World NY 2 and every challenge show but Inferno 2, Rip Taylor, Gene Wilder, Gilbert Grape's movie mom and Kip Winger.

The Philadelphia Daily News reports that MJ Garrett (Real World Philadelphia douche bag) had this to say about my fair city: "Fuck Philly. I hate Philly." Hey Dip Lip! Fuck You Too! Not only do you have 5 fucking brain cells, but you are BORING as fuck.

Pat O'Brien Mania!

So you know this guy is in rehab now right? I assume if you have a computer, you have to know. Well, the whole coked up phone message thing is like the new Free Winona or Waasssup! It's taking over the world.

Sexual Harassment Scoreboard

lookatmeandsayyes.com

Thighs Wide Shut makes half of what I post possible. Cheers.

The Television Medical Drama

It's been quite a while since I gave a shit about a show that takes place in a hosptial. I used to be a huge ER fan back in the late 90's and for a short time l loved the quirkiness of Chicago Hope. I haven't really given any of the recent crop a fair shake to be honest, either the cast doesn't appeal to me or they seem very generic. But for some reason I felt compelled to TIVO the new ABC offering Grey's Anatomy the other night and I just got done watching it. Not bad. I like the characters, I like the pacing, I like the voice over. The show centers around a group of Surgery interns who are starting off the next 7 years of the life in this hospital. The central group is made up of 3 women and a guy name O'Malley. The girl who Luke Wilson romanced in Old School is the female lead and she's pretty solid. Sandra Oh, from Sideways, is the bitchy, go getter and the hot chick from Roswell is the ex-model turned surgeon. Anyway, I think like Boston Legal, this show has hooked me back into watching a decent TV drama. Maybe I'm slowly tiring of the reality TV world and need some "make believe" in my diet?

Summer Movie Preview

Call me a loser, but I've been checking out what's coming out this summer and thought I would share my thoughts. There's no end to the shitty remakes of TV shows and old movies, and it appears as though the Ring derivatives are in no short supply as well. But I was able to scare up 11 movies that look like they will be enjoyable on some scale, either some laughs or some bedazzling special effects. So, take it for what it's worth.

A couple of childhood loves of mine are the Bad News Bears and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I'm eager to see the remake of both this summer, but I'm skeptical on both as well. Billy Bob Thorton is taking over as the hapless, drunk Little League coach that Walter Mathau made famous in the 70's and I'm kind of a Billy Bob fan. I figure how bad could you fuck up a movie about kids who can't play baseball very well? And with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I worry about Tim Burton getting his groove back. Planet of the Apes was a disaster. I'm certain having Johnny Depp in the fold will help, but I have to be cautious. Both of these movies have a special place in my heart and both gave us iconic, signature roles for Gene Wilder and Walter Mathau, so I have my finger's crossed that these remakes will not ruin them for me.

Speilberg has been shakey lately, but I'm willing to hold out hope on The War of the Worlds remake. Tom Cruise always delivers and Dakota Fanning is the new Shirley Temple.

For kicks I'm hoping that the Wedding Crashers with Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn will be more Old School and Bottle Rocket than Be Cool and Shangi Knights. I really cracked up at this preview, but with all summer comedies you have to worry that they put all the laughs in the trailer and you get to sit there like an asshole who forked over $10 to see them again in the theater.

I don't really enjoy many comic book movies, Hellboy is the only one off the top of my head that I do like, but I'm not going to lie the new Batman Begins looks the BOMB and Sin City looks hot too. Maybe it's the casting, as both are loaded with faces or maybe it's the direction...whatever it is makes me excited inside.

I'm so fucking PUMPED to see Rob Zombie's follow up to House of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects! I fucking loved 1,000 Corpses and I have full faith that Rob will outdo himself again and put up a completely gory, homage to the 70's horror/revenge flick.



Other flicks that I've put on the to do list are the French thriller High Tension, the documentary about Paul Green's Rock School the inspiration for School of Rock and a hometown guy for me, The Brothers Grimm by Terry Gilliam and John Tutturo's Romance and Cigarettes which is a musical featuring a lot of people you wouldn't think could sing.

I"ll close with two extra tidbits about summer movies.

1. I'm not sure which movie looks worse The Longest Yard remake or the Lords of Dogtown about the "creators" of skateboarding. Longest Yard is probably just more unnecessary, but Lords looks like Wonderland from a few years ago. All kinds of wigs and fake facial hair, just really sad looking. I'm avoiding both.

2. The weekend of June 24th is flashback weekend this summer. Bewitched, Dukes of Hazzard and the new Herbie movie all come out. It's Will Ferrell vs. Johnny Knoxville vs. Stiffler vs. Lindsay Lohan vs. Michael Keaton vs. Jessica Simpson vs. Nicole Kidman vs. the 60's vs. the 70's vs. the 80's. Yee-Haw!!!

Sarah Silverman Movie

I think Sarah Silverman is the funniest woman around, and quite possibly the funniest woman ever put on the earth. She's edgy and cute and probably attainable for a guy like me considering she dates or did date Jeff Ross and Jimmy Kimmel. And her brand of humor is very much like that of a guy. I do like other female comics, it's just that Sarah is the total package for me. Check out her new movie preview and see what you think.

Easter Weekend

Anyone else find Easter in March strange.

I'm just not buying that it's Easter already.

I've got nothing.

Steph, the Survivor Queen

Steph
Originally uploaded by skipscorpio.

Philly girl and Archbishop Pendergrast graduate, Stephenie is the dominant force on this season's Survivor. She's tougher than all the men on that show and kind of hot. Too bad she is on a tribe that can't win a fucking immunity challenge.

Steph, will you be my reality TV wife?

Parking Violations

Today was my day in "court" to fight my $300 parking ticket from last November. Just as a quick recap, I actually went to jury duty instead of lying my way out of it, check my cell phone because people can't be trusted to shut them off ANYWHERE, left, paid for parking in a lot all day, drove off and forgot my phone. I turned around, pulled up out front, put on the blinkers and ran in to grab the phone and SURPRISE! lovely Rita, the meter maid was on my jock with a $300 ticket for parking in a handicap spot. Anyway, I had my Stepdad work his magic and grease up some Northeast Philly representative so that I could have this ticket squashed. The instruction I was given was pretty simple. I was told to show up for my court date, sign in, plead Not Guilty and the rest would be taken care of.

First of all, parking ticket court doesn't even take place in a court. It's grubby, run down, office in center city with a bunch of closets for offices. They don't even have a working public bathroom! The place was packed when I showed up, apparently they must churn through 200 people a day minimum. Yikes. So I signed in and waited for my name to be called. 45 minutes later, I got my moment in the sun with Renault Simpson (the traffic court case worker or whatever the fuck her was). This guy was like 22 years old, no personality and sounded like a robot. Didn't matter, I was just there to go through the motions right? I'm sure the computer will tell him that this ticket is "taken" care of by some politico up in the Great NEAST. Imagine my surprise when the guy starts to ask me to defend myself for parking in a handicap spot. Before I could digest what he is asking me I start in with the tale about jury duty, cell phone, yadda yadda, and the whole time the guy is like half listening at best. Then he asks me about the other ticket I got last month. What?!?!?! I didn't get a ticket last month. Renault tells me that I did on 2/18 on N. 16th Street. He prints out the ticket and begins to tell me that I'll have to pay for that ticket in addition to my $300 ticket. WAIT A SECOND!!! I start looking over a copy of the latest ticket and notice that it says that my car color is BLUE and I drive a SILVER car. And then I look at the plate and instead of starting with FLT like my plate does, it was FTT. So I speak up and let Renault know that I don't think this ticket is mine at which point he looks annoyed with me. "Why not?" he exclaims. I point out the inconsistencies and he matter of factly says "you are right, this ticket has been removed from your record." No shit I'm right. Now moving back to the real reason I'm there, Renault says he will waive my late fees but that I have to pay the $300 fine and to not park in handicap spots and that's it.

I'm fucking confused. Where was my fix? I thought I was going through the motions? If I had to pay anyway, I would have just paid it and not even bothered with taking off from work and showing up to that hell hole. Clearly I have the money, it's just the principle to me, that I was doing my civic duty and some fucking bitch meter maid busted my balls. Sometimes I fucking hate living in the big, bad city. This is one of them.

Addendum: As of 7:45 PM, the strings have been pulled and I'm good to go. My $300 ticket has been exspunged by Mike Stack, Democrat. Rock on Mike!

Something for Everyone

Today I wanted to address a couple of plain old WRONG things going on in the world.

1. A remake of the show Kojak with Ving Rhames in the lead. USA Network is responsible. Yuck. Kojak with Telly Savalas sucked, why would you ever remake it?

2. Guess Who with Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher. Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn would have died if they didn't die already. Anyone else fucking SICK of Ashton by the way?

3. Listen to some cell phone messages from Pat O'Brien (the host of Access Hollywood) trying to coax this chick into a threesome with "betsy" who may or may not be his wife. Who cares? It's funny as hell hearing that distinctive voice of his say "I want to lick your pussy!"

4. TV Land is moving into the reality TV business with Chasing Farrah. Farrah Fawcet? Who the fuck wants to chase her down in 2005? Maybe 1978, but 2005? Fuck off.

To balance these wrong events out, let's talk about some things that are decent.

1. The Bravo version of Project Greenlight is up and running, and it's every bit as good as it was on HBO. The episodes are an hour long and since they are working on a horror movie this time round, it's more fun than the last 2 seasons based on the concept alone. The director they choose is an absolute FREAK. Tune in.

2. Speaking of Bravo, Project Runway is coming back for a Season 2. Holla!

3. Inferno 2, Good Guys vs. Bad Asses is up and running on the MTV and it's kind of excellent. Beth the bitch is fucking with Tonya the tramp and they got all nutty foo-foo this week. Tune in next week when Beth starts to consider working for the Good Guys just so she can be the EVILEST! Love it.

4. Making the Band 3 with Puff The Magic Diddy is all about a forming a girl group. This works for me since I like girls. And I couldn't understand a fucking word Chopper or Fred said on MTB 2. I just hope they come up with a better band name for this group than Da Band. P.S. Chopper is now a spokesman for a pork rind company based out of Philly and will be dropping a solo album soon. Go Chopper!

Money In, Money Out

Yesterday I was paid back for a loan I made to my aunt to open up a hair salon a couple of years ago. Apparently she took on a partner and they collectively bought me out. The $4,000 felt great getting until I sat down and did my taxes late last night. It appears that I owe the Feds a whopping $1,600! I haven't gotten the nerve to approach doing my state taxes so it can appear that I'm loaded for a little while longer. All hope of paying down some credit cards is lost. I'm still taking one grand with me to Vegas next month though. Oh well. Easy come, easy go.

End

Today was my great grandmother's funeral. Tillie lived a long and full life, dying at the age of 93, so there wasn't much sadness involved. But death is always an event that makes you take stock of what you've done thus far in your life. Or in some cases, what you haven't done. Considering that Tillie was 60 when I was born, my recollection of her when I was a kid is pretty much the same as it was 6 months ago the last time I saw her. She's been a senior citizen my whole life, so I think I always expected her to die. The fact that she managed to make it to 93, something I'm certain I won't be able to do, is a great accomplishment. And from her actions over the past year, and those of my mother shortly before her death all those years ago, I'm convinced that people sense when their time is coming. Now I'm not spiritual or religious in the slightest, it's just that I think the mind can understand what the body is going through and prepares you for the end. Grandma Tillie told me the last time I saw her that it would be the last time I would see her. Very matter of factly, not at all in a bitter tone or to be shocking. It was as if she was just giving me the heads up. I'm okay with her passing. My family got together today and celebrated her long life and caught up with each other. The whole concept of a post funeral "party" at a union hall's banquet room is a little odd to me, but it was nice to see everyone get along in the same room even if it was under these circumstances. Death is a part of life, and once you experience a tragic death of a dear loved one like I have, you kind of go numb to it. The only time I felt sad today was seeing how my Grandmother, Tillie's daughter, was effected by the concept of her mother being deceased. The finality of the situation, despite Tillie's age, was something I don't think my Grandmother was ready for. I guess as a senior citizen herself, the concept of dying is in her grasp and realizing that your parents are gone only makes you feel one step closer...well you get the idea. What's kind of strange is that the only thing I think I know that my Grandmother doesn't is how to lose your mother. To see her dealing with that situation brought back some memories of what it was like the first couple days when my Mom passed on. It's rough. I did today all that I could do. I told my grandmother that she'll be alright because we love her and we are still here for her. It's something similiar to what she told me years ago when she didn't have any answers for me. Just love. And I'm certain that she will mourn her mother, as I did mine, and then get back in the saddle and press on.

March Madness

Ok, so my alma mater made the NIT this year instead of the tourney. What can you do? At least Crazy John Chaney hasn't been fired yet. But Villanova did make the big dance and has a decent shot at getting to the Sweet Sixteen or the Elite Eight if they play good ball. Which is more than I can say for my tourney brackets. I am a ball hair from last place in the little "for fun" league that I am in. I think I messed up again by picking Gonzaga to do better than they are clearly capable of. It's always kind of disheartening when one of your final four teams goes out relatively early, and you immediately change your way of thinking to hoping that everyone else's picks collapse instead of maintiaining some belief that the rest of your top 4 will make it there. That's the tourney for you...

In other March Madness news, how about today's weather? Yesterday was a joyful looking day, sunny and over 50 degrees. Today it has looked like dusk since I woke up and I can't imagine the sun is going to find it's way out at all. Rainy and gloomy is usually my preference, but for some reason today I'm thinking it kind of sucks. Must be a mood I'm in or something.

I'm over the hump at work with getting all my performance reviews doled out, anemic raise in tow. Most of the folks were borderline disappointed and I'm not sure that they will stick around considering the way the powers that be control the pocketbook. Only time will tell. Myself, I'm resigned to the fact that I'm burned out and tired of job jumping...so even though I get paid peanuts, I'm gonna stick it out some more just to keep things light. I don't like being unemployed, nor do I like clawing my way back up some bullshit ladder that exists in the workplace. I'm comfortable with my station in life. I do what I have to survive. You dig?

I'm in the that movie lull again that I sometimes get myself into with Netflix. I currently have 2 films out with subtitles and I'm not really in the mood for reading a movie. Motorcycle Diaries has been on the shelf for like 10 days and now I have the Blind Swordsman out to go along with it. Where's Raise Your Voice when you need it?

I have 2 days off this week consecutively which normally would be awesome, but this week they both are already earmarked for events that will be less than fun. On Tuesday (day off #1) I have to attend the funeral of my great grandmother who died this past week in Florida where she retired years and years ago. And on Wednesday (day off #2) I have to attend court for that parking ticket I got back in November for parking in a handicap meter spot outside of jury duty for all of 1 minute to fetch my cell phone which I was forced to "check" upon enter the municipal building. Oy vey. I am hoping that my Stepfather can wiggle me out of the ticket mainly because I don't feel like dropping $300 on a fucking ticket. Wish me luck. In any case, I guess I'll have to postpone my plans for world domination this week.

Please Die Already

I saw this movie advertised in the latest Premiere mag with the tag line:

American Pie meets Pulp Fiction with a dash of A Clockwork Orange

Since I'm a fan of all three of the referenced movies, and I can only assume that this movie (a direct to DVD gem) will disappoint greatly...I'm thinking of suing for false advertising!

Quiz 2: More Stupider than Original Quiz!

Crispin Glover: Certifiable or Genuis?

Whiskey, Nikon, Camisole...and Amy.

For those of you who don't know, a recent hobby of mine has been photography. The past 2 years I have been taking shots and trying to get better on my own with no formal training. I experiment with all kinds of styles, but lately I've settled on portraits of people. I have done some work with bands and now I'm branching out to another new arena by having people model for me. One such person is my favorite non-relative in the whole world, Amy. I've know her since she was like 10 years old as she is friends with my sisters. And I've had a terrible crush on her since she was 15. Despite my desire to make her my child bride a la Jerry Lee Lewis and his cousin, I behaved myself last Friday when she sat for me. The resulting photos were a mixed bag. I totally misjudged the lighting situation and Amy was nervous the first roll and then too comfortable and unfocused by the last roll. But considering that she did it for free and I'm nowhere near being an amatuer let alone a professional, I'm satisfied with the results. If you have any interest in seeing the salvagable results, then click the title above and check out my "photo album" on Yahoo. I added some captions to make it bearable for viewing.

Pinching Pennies and Dashing Hopes

The last 3 days have essentially been a blur. I've been working long days trying to scramble and get through delivery all of my performance apprasials for my staff before Sunday evening. Considering that on top of that we are running a bunch of training classes, answering questions, short at least another manager and don't have enough time in the day, I'm feeling extremely run down and stressed out. Adding another layer to the whole mess is that essentially I'm learning that my company which posted 72% increase in earnings in the 4th Quarter last year, chose not to pass along the wealth to it's employees. Along with my staff, I too received what could be a borderline modest to insulting raise in the 3-6% range. And then they go and prorate it if you weren't an employee for an entire year. Seriously? Total sales last year for the company were 51% higher than 2003, to a record $827.8 million. I am deadly serious. I got only 75% of my raise, but even if it were 100% I'm not sure I would be satisfied. I guess the bottom line is that there isn't any money in retail unless you are the top dogs. It's a killer industry and I must take comfort in the fact that I'm not forced to wear a suit and tie everyday and that I get a meaty discount on overpriced junk that is geared towards soccer moms and stoned college kids in Idaho. No, Udaho! HA!!!!

For my staff, I think the knee jerk reaction is to be angry, but since most of them are 18-24, they will adapt and move on with their lives. Considering the job specifics and the base hourly wage, it's a decent job for a college kid working 20 hours a week. A raise, however small, is more money than they were making yesterday. With me, it's a little different. This is my career, as sad as that may seem, and I have to think about how this job is going to suit me for the next 10 or 20 years. Considering the fact that I'm barely beating the cost of living increase, I don't know how I feel about it right now. I guess I'm just shell shocked and exhausted, a prime example of the old addage of overworked and underpaid. In the coming weeks and months I have a lot of considerations to make that I will no doubt spout about endlessly on this here blog, but for tonight I will just take comfort in the fact that at least I'm enjoying my time at UO. The people are cool, the kids are great and I don't dread going to work all the time.

It could be worse. I could be on a pub crawl celebrating the most pathetic of all holidays, St. Patrick's Day.

Raising the bar? I don't think so.

In another episode of "wait on hold foever" we find our hero desperately trying to wiggle his way through the maze that is Cingular Wireless. I am so disgusted anymore by how long companies let you hold. Maybe it's because I have spent over 8 years in the Call Center striving to make all of my customers not have to wait more than 20 seconds on hold, or maybe it's just common fucking sense that I should not have to wait on hold since I'm a paying customer. In any case, I took Cingular up on this amazing offer to migrate from the now defunct AT&T Wireless and today my brand new shiny Motorola flip phone arrived in the mail. The instructions inside were simple enough. 1. Charge battery. 2. Call this number to activate your new phone. After waiting on hold for several minutes I was greated by a woman who within 2 sentences placed me on hold for several more minutes. Then she came back to clarify what the fuck I was calling about and got me right back to holding. Thanks! When she returned the second time, she explained that she couldn't help me. I asked her what number I should have called and she didn't know, but she said she could transfer me somewhere else. Before sending me off she was nice enough to warn me that the hold time I would be facing now would be 10 minutes. Okie dokie. This is fun.

30 minutes later, I get Heather who asks me the same shit as the first gal and quickly determines that since I didn't come through the automated system and select a bunch of shit, that I could not progress with activating the new phone. Fucking sweet! I politely asked Heather in a not so pleasant tone what number I should be calling in lieu of the one in the fucking box with the phone and she was kind enough to give me a completely different number (that she said may not be 100% right) and then told me the department I need is closed. I didn't ask, but I assume the closed at 10 PM since I was speaking to Heather at 10:01 PM.

I decided to say fuck it and keep the old phone operational for the rest of tonight and begin anew in the AM. I guess the bottom line is that since cell phone companies force you into these 1 and 2 year contracts, they know that you aren't going anywhere without paying and they can making you hold or jump through as many hoops as they like. What a sham. I want to got back to 1987.

The Jacket is Wacket

The Jacket has it all, Kierra Knightly's naked breasts, Oscar winner Adrian Brody, Kris Kristofferson, Jennifer Jason Leigh...so why did it suck so bad? Maybe because it didn't know what it wanted to be when it grew up? Is it a horror movie, a love story, fantasy? I don't know and I wasted 2 hours seeing it today.

My biggest beef, besides the relegation of Roadhouse's Kelly Lynch to a role that has 2 minutes of screen time, is that despite the talent of the cast, the acting sucks worse than the implausible story. And the whole Kierra Knightly/Adrian Brody story line is just fucking creepy. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain. Adrian Brody is put in the loony bin for killing a cop, even though he didn't do it, Brad Renfro did. In the nuthouse, he is subjected to this weird punishment involving a straight jacket and a morgue tray closet. Follow me? The back story has something to do with shit that happened in Iraq during the first Gulf War, Brody is shot there, gets amnesia and winds up a drifter in 1992??? Still with me? He meets this little girl and her mother on the side of the road and helps them get their truck running. The little girl takes a liking to him in the 3 minutes they spend together on the side of the road. Little while later, Brody hitches a ride with Renfro who kills the cop and frames Brody. Ok. Now in the morgue tray closet while in the jacket, Brody somehow can go into the future and contacts the little girl by the side of the road who is now an adult. Within 3 visits from the past, Brody nails her for no reason that I could see other than to show him LICKING Ms. Knightly's breasts. Talk about an oddly placed scene in a movie. I wasn't expecting it at all, but happy to see it nonetheless. Moving on, the story gets more and more hackneyed until eventually Brody slips on the ice and dies? Roll credits. What the fuck? I have no idea why I saw this hunk of shit.

Hey Adrian! You better start making better choices or I want that Oscar back!

Hermit the Hog

It's not easy being closed off from most of the world all the time. I am starting to realize that I'm shutting myself out intentionally from a lot of human contact. I don't really make much of an effort to go out socially, and I'm always prone to having people come to my place to hang out. Is it agoraphobia? I doubt it since I do manage to make it to work. Maybe it's form of depression? I don't know. I guess I'm just bored with all the shit that is out there. I spend a lot of time in my own head, amusing myself. Or keeping busy watching television or movies. It's kind of sad actually because I used to have a killer personality. I was a pretty fun guy back in the day. The life of the party so to speak. I guess I'm maturing or getting older and realizing just how hard it is to survive when you don't perscirbe to the societal norms like marriage and procreation. I'm not the marrrying type was a handle I loved having, but now I'm starting to think that maybe I used to say such a thing because deep down I just didn't think anyone would ever want to marry me. Sort of a defensive mechanism created by years of low self esteem. Plus I've seen a lot of the bad side of marriage. I can't even fall in love, so marriage is a distant thought most of the time. And the kid thing, well...I like them in small doses, when I can hand them back over to their parents. I guess I could get used to the idea of making a baby if the whole financial aspect of it weren't at the forefront of my mind. I can barely afford my life as it stands now with no kids, no gal, how the hell coudl I afford it all? Maybe that's why most people usually sacrifice entertainment and having money to do the kid thing. Anyone I know with a kid is in debt of some kind. Not sure I want to go back to that place. What is the point to this rambling? Hell if I know. A cry for help? Hardly. Just some thoughts. I wish I had the energy to put myself out there more. Maybe to just secure a confidant, a dear friend. Intimacy is a concept that is becoming harder and harder for me to remember. I've been shit on a couple times, like everyone else, but for some reason I've recoiled and closed up shop. When I do try to make something happen, I fuck it up. It's a weak track record. If I was a basketball team, I'd be like 4-53 on the season. Playoffs, doubtful. I'm not talking about playoffs...how about a fucking win? A couple good games strung together. That's all I ask. I need to be less picky. I need to be more social. I need to stop thinking that life is a movie, that THE ONE will approach me because my fucking killer sense of humor and compassion and passion and concern will MAKE her want me. I need to crawl into bed and fall asleep...I seem to always get the girl in Slumber Town.

Boredom is King!

To further complete my downward spiral, I spent a good amount of time coming up with a quiz that you can take about me. Thanks to my little sister Candace, I'm well on my way to becoming a teenage girl. Question #9 has a typo. My first car had a nickname, what was it? This little jammy is popular with the kids. Nice. So I'm not the only loser out there.

Head Injury, Kiddie Porn and Popcorn

Yesterday was a day off devoted to a whole lot of nothing on my part. I did some surfing (I heart the internet), made that gay ass quiz and random other shit. Eventually the lovely Amy arrived to my place 3 hours late for a photo session I arranged earlier in the week. I'm intent on honing my skills as a photographer and was gracious enough to have Amy loan me her body for some portraits. The idea is that I'll become better at it, have a decent portfolio to share with people and maybe get actual paying jobs out of it. Anyway, in the confines of my place with all the lighting needed, the place was cooking and I become a sweaty mess during the 2 hours we were working. Due to her late arrival, I never did get around to eating anything for dinner...and in the moment I had a couple swigs of whiskey. Long story short, I was planning on going to the Troc to see my friend's band play and meet up with friends and instead I spent the night nursing a head wound. How you ask? Well, I'm guessing not eating, sweating and whiskey made me woozier than I thought I was and I fainted in my apartment. Thankfully I wasn't out for longer than maybe 3 or 4 seconds, but the force of my head hitting hardwood floors was not good. Hurt like a motherfucker to tell you the truth. I got up off the floor, did a little icing up and hit the sack anxious to forget it ever happened at all. I probably should have called my friends to tell them what had happened, but since I didn't and they never called to see why I never made it, I guess it didn't matter anyway.

Today I woke up with a bit of headache, but my swelling subsided and I was good to go. And thankfully so since my Old Man was in town from Virginia to spend some time with me. We hit up the Melrose Dinner in dirty Southy Philly for a late breakfast (2 PM) and then he forced me to sit through Hitch. Ugh. I don't know what was worse, seeing this movie or knowing that my Dad was watching it for the second time. That's right, movies out right now are so awful that he had to see Hitch a second time. It was his dime, so I'll live. But God I just don't like Will Smith. Kevin James was funny, but the whole story line was just so over the top. I'd like to believe that a fat guy can find love, but I've done the research and it ain't possible. Constantine was more realistic. I did however manage to wrangle out of the rest of the plans with dear old Dad which included seeing not 1, but 2 cover bands in the next 6 hours both in New Jersey. Thanks, but I"ll pass. I'm up for a lot of things, but seeing cover bands in Atlantic City is not for me.

Variety, The Spice of Life

So I've made some musical purchases lately that are all over the map. Not sure what is going on in the state of music these days, but I feel like we are in a lull. Not much out there since the whole Franz Ferdinand/Interpol/Killers movement a couple months ago that appeals to me. I did download some tunes thanks to Pepsi lids of some promising offerings, namely Pitty Sing and The Mars Volta, both have decent songs out right now. However, between Best Buy and Columbia House I did manage to score a half dozen full length albums that I've been cranking of late on the old jukebox.

The latest from the Donnas was honestly a tad disappointing. More of the same old same old which works well for the Ramones, but here sounds a wee bit flat. I am incredibly attracted to the lead singer of this chick band, but I'm not sure the music is doing it for me anymore.

Moving on to a chick that is doing it for me, let's discuss the splendid Loretta Lynn comeback album Van Lear Rose. This collaboration with Jack White of the White Stripes is on par with the very first Johnny Cash American Recording with Rick Rubin. It's amazing to hear a legend contemporized (is that a word) and my God the Coal Miner's Daughter sounds not a day over 55. I'm not sure about today's country, but the stars of classic country are alright by me...so I hope Willie and Loretta and Dolly keep pumping them out.

I grabbed a couple classic Greatest Hits collections that peaked my interest as well. Fleetwood Mac was playing in a bar I was in the other day and I've always been oddly infatuated with Lindsey Buckingham's fey voice, so I grabbed a hits collection. Man, back in the 70's these fuckers had some hits. And Stevie Nicks was a fox. Great record to drive to. In a totally different direction, I also got the Four Tops Greatest. I guess American Idol is the blame for this one. Sugar Pie Honey Bunch and Baby I Need Your Loving are like 2 of the best Motown songs ever, so I consider this a wise purchase even if Simon Cowell is somehow behind it all.

Next up we have Chevelle's latest, which is pretty good. This is one of those bands that I think people would be surprised to find out I'm a fan. I really loved their first disc and this one is just as solid. I don't like much rock much harder than this, and I kind of like the fact that these guys are lowkey. You never hear anything about them, and that's fine by me.

Finally, I may possibly have dethroned my Mandy Moore Coverage CD as "most embarassing" album in my collection. But I don't fucking care because the new Kelly Clarkson jawn is HOT. I think she has finally moved on from being the winner of a karoake competition and come into her own. I know it sounds a lot like a Sheryl Crow/Avril Lavigne tribute album, but I don't care. Some of the songs are just immensely catchy and she has an incredible voice. I'm certain that this will solicit some less than encouraging feedback, but who cares. I'm an ecletic fan of music and I like what I like. Don't be hating on Kelly...she's got a J Lo ass, no boobs, a wide nose and chubby cheeks. And I love her. You go girl.

Greatest News Ever!!!!

There is speculation that Paradise Hotel may return to TV this summer. That is fucking awesome. As a self proclaimed reality TV show junkie, Paradise Hotel was my absolute guiltiest of pleasures. It certainly can't compete with Amazing Race or Survivor, but it's got the greatest mix of drama, back stabbing and slutty behavior. The best part of the story I heard was that they are trying to bring back the original cast!!! How fucking hot is that? Tony! Charla! Dave the Weasel! All your favorites. I'll keep you posted on the possibility of this actually happening.

Odell Looks Really Concerned

Suicide

Been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Whoa...easy...not like I'm considering it or anything. Hunter S. Thompson offed himself last week, a very Hunter way of doing things I must say, and I am trying to figure out how I feel about that. I think controling your destiny and chosing your fate is commendable, but at the same time I wonder if it wasn't selfish of him to do it. Maybe he still had some thoughts yet to spread to us through his writing? The man was always kind of an ornery, prick like kind of guy, so it wasn't any surprise to hear about how he went about ending his life. I wasn't shocked or anything. In fact I was really shocked that it took me a couple of days to hear about it more than anything. Mostly my fault, not watching the news, reading the paper or having the internet at my disposal. I guess I'm also thinking about my fish Madonna who was found dead in the tank a couple days ago. Living alone for me has been an adjustment, and I'm sure Madonna and Johnny Cash have been having a hard time going from 50 gallons to 5 gallons, not to mention that they probably miss their buddies the Kois. I'd prefer to think that Madonna took her own life than to think that my "parenting" was not up to snuff. Yeah the tank was cloudy and could have used a cleaning, but I doubt it contributed to her death. Why would Johnny not have died as well? He's still in there. At least I think he is. I really should clean that tank. You would think with all this recent death in my life I would have realized that yesterday, March 7th, was the anniversary of my Mom's passing. I honestly didn't remember until about 10 PM that it was. Is it because I'm busy? Overworked? Distracted? Depressed? Or is it because I've accepted it? Death is a part of life. I try not to dwell on it to begin with, so I'm not surprised I didn't realize it was the "anniversary." I never was one for visiting the grave and all that. I'd prefer to take 5 minutes, think of something nice involving me and my Mom and then get back to whatever I was doing.

Constantine

I don’t see why people knock Keanu Reeves as an actor. I’ve been defending him since Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and I am delighted that he has managed to find another niche that he is good at. Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s he was the best there was at playing the borderline retarded surfer/stoner guy. Over the last few years, I think he has ruled the land in the action/sci-fi genre. I can honestly say that a big reason that I enjoyed Constantine is that Keanu was in it. But I’ll tell you what…the supporting cast didn’t hurt either. Just like the original Matrix that featured Joey Pants and Carrie Anne Moss in supporting roles, Constantine has some very strong secondary characters played by very capable actors. Tilda Swinton plays Gabriel the Archangel, Djmon Hissou plays Midnight a voodoo witch doctor who hasn’t chosen sides between Angels and Demons, Peter Stormare gets creepy as Lucifer, Pruitt Taylor Vince as the alcoholic priest and even Gavin Rossdale, the guy from Bush, is capable as a henchman for the Devil. My one complaint is that Shia LeBouf doesn’t get enough screen time and unfortunately isn’t going to make it into the sequel. (Sorry to ruin it, but he dies.) I’m not going to recap the story line since I think the trailer did a pretty good job of letting you know that Hell Doesn’t Want Him, Heaven Won’t Let Him In, Earth Needs Him, yada, yada, yada. What’s cool about this concept is that it’s a comic book movie that plays like a movie instead of a cartoon version of a movie. What always bothers me about comic book heroes brought to life are the silly costumes and over the top villain antics. Constantine basically wears a white shirt, black tie and trenchcoat, no capes, no color, nothing extra. There are some cool special effects, interesting interpretations of what Hell is like and a lot of moodiness and rain. The look of the film is perfect and it adds another layer that is usually missing in films of this nature.

Storage

Here are some reviews of shit I got on Netflix while I was out of commission.

Mean Creek

In the spirit of River’s Edge or Bully comes this haunting look at what happens when a group of kids get together and decide to teach the school bully a lesson. What makes this movie slightly different from Bully is that the bully in Mean Creek doesn’t come across as an aggressive asshole (perhaps more or less a kid that is in need of some serious love and attention and maybe some therapy/medication) and the kids are of a younger set. Rory Culkin stars as the lead and continues to show that despite all we hear about the personal lives of the Culkin dynasty, they are a talented bunch of kids. I was impressed by the moodiness and the realism of the situation, it begs the question of what’s right and wrong.


Battle Royale

Based on a recommendation from Mikey Drumsticks, the king of gory movies, I rented this Japanese import that is set sometime after the new millennium (I’m assuming present day?) and focuses on a law that was put into effect by the adults to deal with unruly kids in their early high school years. Unemployment in Japan is at an all time high, 10 million people are without jobs, suicides increase, children are orphaned, some kids without parental guidance stop going to school and eventually become a menace to society. BR #5 is a law that states that every year (?) a particular class of freshman students are randomly selected in a lottery drawing, taken to a remote island and are forced to kill each other until there remains only one student who is then given their freedom back. No joke. The movie plays like a gory twist on Lord of the Flies, some kids decide to kill themselves, some band together and try to survive as best they can and others try frantically to plot against the military presence that monitors the action on the island. The 13 year olds are given 3 days to exterminate each other at which time if there is not a clear winner, the necklace/sensor/microphone/monitoring device will become a bomb and all remaining contestants will be destroyed. This tidbit of information gives some kids the needed push to become killing machines. I can’t say I was disturbed by this movie, I’ve seen way worse Asian cinema with lower production quality and tasteless scenes, but this may not be for everyone. I enjoyed the psychological aspect over the blood and violence, but I still would classify this as a decent rental. 0


Love Me If You Dare

This French film is a couple years old, but I came across a preview for it attached to one of my recent rentals and was mildly intrigued. It appeared to be a non-traditional love story set in a whimsical, fantasy like reality with lush colors and vibrant details, much like Amelie. Well, it was definitely visually stimulating, but I’m not sure what the hell it was about. Seriously, I fancy myself a pretty smart fellow, but the ending of this movie left me completely in the dark. Maybe it’s the language/cultural barrier? Was it just too French for me to get it? The plot that I could make out concerns a young boy and young girl who befriend each other at 7 or 8 and bond by playing a game of dare. This game, much like their love for each other, continues to intensify and develop over a period of the next 20 years. Along the way, they both tempt each other to do some horribly wicked things to each other and to those around them. Some of the dares are funny, some are just evil and some are just too confusing to understand. This wackiness ends with both lovers being set in concrete in each other’s embrace for eternity? Or is this the end? Who the hell knows? I like French movies on the whole, they sometimes push boundaries that American cinema cannot…and that is kind of cool. I find French women attractive, and the lead in this film is no exception. I also think the sound of the French language is very soothing to the ears. But did I like this movie? I’m not certain that I did. I know I didn’t hate it, but the confusion the end left me with is enough to detract from the overall impression it left me with. Let’s say that if you like French cinema, you might like this and call it a day.

P.S.

Most guys under 40, if you asked them who they thought was a gorgeous actress would probably rattle of a very familiar name like Angelina Jolie or Nicole Kidman. These women are very attractive, but for my money I’m looking for a little more substance. I’m going through a Kate Winslet phase right now and I always find myself drawn to Cate Blanchett, both extremely talented actresses who are among other things mothers, married and British. (Not exactly attainable for a slightly overweight 33 year old hermit who lives in Philthadelphia, USA) But for the last few years I’ve always had a soft spot for Laura Linney. Ms. Linney has managed to quite quietly piece together an impressive resume, and is in my opinion that most rare of flowers, a strong female character actor. Many times the term character actor is universally applied to men. Actors such as Philip Seymour Hoffman, John C. Reilly and until recently Paul Giamatti fall into this category of actor. When a woman is a strong actress, more or less she is just the lead, or female lead if you want to get technical. To me the definition of a good character actor, man or woman, is the ability to play a variety of roles and seem completely convincing and natural as that character. Laura Linney can play a mother, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a lover, a divorcee, someone from the 40’s, someone from the future. She is a chameleon, and if you don’t believe me try this little test. Try to think of 5 movies you have seen her in. Now I know some of you are probably saying at this moment “Who the hell is Laura Linney?,” and if that’s the case, you can still kind of play along. For those who try to name 5 movies, I bet you will have trouble. Once you rack your brain, slide on over to IMDB and plug her name in the search bar and check out her filmography. Not only has she been in a bunch of movies that you probably have seen, and a bunch that were highly regarded by movie critics and fans alike, but she is fucking really good in almost everything she is in. Now I’m getting way off topic here and need to get back to my main point and that is I totally want to bang Laura Linney. Always have. I find her to be stunning, and not just on a purely visual level. She seems really smart, and funny in addition to being attractive. Now I know this might sound stalkerish, and perhaps way out of character for me since she is older than me, but I’ll be damned…she’s my movie star crush. You can have your Julia Roberts and Jennifer Lopez crushes, I’ll stick with Laura. That being said…

P.S. is a quaint little movie starring Laura Linney (surprise!) as an Admissions Director at an Art school who becomes fascinated with an MFA candidate who looks like, talks like, seems like her dead high school boyfriend. The movie isn’t as creepy as it sounds, since the story is really more about Linney’s character’s lack of development from her high school years than it is about reincarnation or something just as silly. Thank goodness! This movie had all the potential in the world of derailing in the last 20 minutes and getting all cheesy and Hollywood…instead it settles down nicely into a very upbeat and non-traditional ending. Topher Grace is good as the young art student seduced by Linney, proving yet again that he is more than just Eric Forman from the 70’s Show. Even Paul Rudd and Gabriel Byrne are strong in very small supporting roles. But the movie is all Linney’s, and she owns it. And she manages to look sexy as hell while doing it. Maybe I’m just so enamored by her that I thought this movie was better than it was, but I liked it.

My Architect, A Son’s Journey

A fascinating look at both a master architect and his bastard son’s yearning to know his deceased father, My Architect is one of the better documentaries to come out in the last 5 years. Louis I. Kahn was a Philadelphia based architect famous for his work on the Capitol of Bangladesh building that took 23 years to make. Kahn, who despite his impact on the world of architecture was broke, died mysteriously in a Penn Station bathroom at the age of 73. Nathaniel Kahn was 11 when his father died and having been the product of an affair, never had a real relationship with the man. And apparently Nathaniel wasn’t alone as Louis had not one, but two children outside of his marriage with two separate mistresses. Nathaniel travels to all of his father’s completed buildings in an effort to connect with a father who he really didn’t know and has been deceased for 25 years. This personal story is well executed and beautifully filmed, an excellent exploration of a true artist and complicated man.

Tear Filled Double Feature (from 2 weeks ago...)

Hotel Rwanda was first up on the docket. There’s nothing like a tragedy of the human spirit to lift me out of my lull. All joking aside, I hate seeing movies that expose me for being a stupid American. I’m sitting there while this movie is revisiting 1994 in Rwanda when over 1 millions lives were lost to genocide and I’m thinking, “why didn’t I know about this?” I had a similar feeling when I saw Black Hawk Down, which explores another African situation that I knew nothing about over in Somalia. Unlike BHD, Hotel Rwanda is from the perspective of the victims and the heroic actions of one man played by Don Cheadle. The true story shows how a hotel manager of a 4 star hotel in Rwanda turns the hotel into a refugee camp during a battle of rebels vs. military over ethnicity. The movie does an good job of showing the evils of genocide and the inability of the world to intervene when such atrocities take place. The performances of Nick Nolte and Joaquin Phoenix were low key but poignant. However, this movie is all about one man and that man is Don Cheadle. In a year of breakout performances by actors, see Paul Giamatti or Jamie Foxx, Don gets his shot with this movie and hits it out of the park.

Speaking of Best Actor nominations, I know understand why Clint Eastwood bumped Paul Giamatti from contention this year. I would argue that Leo probably doesn’t deserve to be on the ballot, but I haven’t seen Aviator to fully comment. Million Dollar Baby was my follow up feature, and lest I spoil it for you, I will merely say that this movie may appear to be about boxing, but it isn’t. Clint Eastwood gives his best performance in the past decade and has a great cast in Morgan Freeman and Hilary Swank. This movie plays a lot like Mystic River, in that it’s long and very depressing with stellar performances. I’m very happy to see Hilary Swank back in top form. I’ve always been oddly attracted to her and think that she is an extremely talented actress. You get sick of seeing the same pretty girls like Renee and Nicole always up for awards. Hilary is doing it for the regular looking ladies out there. In this movie she plays the trashiest white girl from the trailer park and is completely convincing. And she has boxing skills to boot. The boxing scenes are very formulaic, but like I said the boxing is merely a backdrop. The movie is about relationships and life and death.

Our House. Is A Very, Very, Very Fine House.

I don't pretend to know anything about buying a house nor do I profess to know about remodeling a house. All I can assume from being at Brother Mike's house yesterday is that I'm definitely glad I avoided home ownership thus far in my life. Let's face it, unless I win Powerball I'm not going to be in a position to build a house. Therefore, I would have no choice but to do what Mike did and that is buy someone else's dump and try to patch it together into a livable space.

I truly believe that there are people who are gifted enough to work with their hands, backs, knees, etc. and those who are good at sitting at a desk and barking orders. I'm cleary carved from the ilk of the latter. And I'm damn good at it. I believe there are people who you should pay to do the physical labor on a home remodel, not just because I'm lazy, but because I'm not sure I have any idea what I'm doing. I did what I could to lend a hand, sadly I missed the bulk of the panelling dismantle, but there were plenty of rug tacks to remove tediously from the staircase heading upstairs. Plus that panelling glue wasn't going to remove itself from the walls. All in all, I'm sure many others that were there did more and are capable of more than I ever will be. And good for Mike that he has brothers, cousins and friends that are willing to lend a hand to help his family begin their life together as a real family with a house and all. It looks like a big fucking money pit/mess to me now, but I'm sure Mike feels essentially like this, "IT'S MY MESS!" And he should. It has been a long, exhausting battle to find a house and it appears as though finding it was the first of many more battles to come to get it operational, however I'm happy that he is on his way.

So no matter how much my arms ache and my back throbs today, I know that I did what I could to make his and his family's life just a tiny bit better. To share in this new beginning is a thrill, even if the place needs way more work than I think anyone expected and there isn't enough money to make it happen. Fuck it. At least it's a start.

Michelle Branch

I was reading EW and came across this little announcement that Michelle Branch is with child. Congrats babydoll! Upon further inspection, I saw that her husband is a bass player and his age is 40. She is 21. God Bless America.

I Am So Fucking Back Online

Apparently Verizon' installation disk is not MAC friendly, so we had more troubles getting this shit operational the last 2 days since I got my modem jawn at work. Thankfully I went out last night to brew it up at Grape Street and see my brother Dan's band play some good old timey music instead of trying to figure out my internet troubles. That's right, I actually went out socially last night. It was refreshing actually. Leave it to Dan to bring all kinds of fuckers out of the woodwork. Even my Granny and Grammpy were there rocking out to little John Mayer. Or should I say BIG John Mayer? Dan ain't no slim chicken.

Good to see so many peeps from my college days. Er, I mean Dan's college days. My second 'stay' at college during my early 30's was a fun one and last night put into perspective just how much fun these people can be. We danced, we drank $2 Bud Lights, we caught up with each other...very nice. I didn't bitch once or want to leave to go home. Of course, when you start drinking at 7 PM, you have to expect that it may be an early night, so I was home by 11 PM with a decent buzz on. I made brother Dan a little meal for his tummy, put on the Unrated Dawn of the Dead remake and watched Dan drift away to slumber land on my couch.

All in all a good night.

So, just to bring people up to speed. Brother Mike does in fact own a house now, albeit without me in it. Settlement went down yesterday, I think he mentioned having to evict the 88 year olds that were still there, but he now needs to get that place in tip top shape before he moves in. Therefore, today my agenda includes shitting out Bud Light in between trips to Toys R Us looking for a My Little Pony set for my baby sister who is 3 today and helping Mike with tearing down some panelling. I'm not the most handy of hands, but I'll definitely "oversee" the operation. Now that I've turned my back on strictly working 3 to midnight, I am being punished by the schedule maker and have to be in work @ 7:30 AM tomorrow morning. Yikes. It's been awhile since my ass has seen anything prior to 9 AM, so this should be fun.

It's good to be back. I'll never leave you again. I promise.

So Close, but yet So Far Away

Today I got my confirmation email that my DSL is ready to rock. Now if only I was home when UPS tried 3 times to deliver the modem needed for me to get this shit operational. Since I moved back to semi-normal hours this week (I no longer work more than 7 shifts a month 3 to midnight) I wasn't around like I normally am to receive the UPS man and hook my jawn up. I did manage to make a rather impressive quick call to 1-800-PICK-UPS to reroute my modem to work, so I should (fingers crossed) be up and running as soon as tomorrow night. Oh goodie! I can't wait to use all my free ITunes bottle caps from Pepsi that I have been collecting over the past 3 weeks. I can't wait to use instant messanger again. I can't wait to read my daily websites to find out what is going on in the world. I'm almost there people...