Network Television - A Dinosaur

For shits and giggles let's take a look at what is currently being renewed for this coming year on TV amongst the major (UPN included) networks. Let us also disect, and when I say us I mean me, the potential new crop of shit sitcoms that will magically replace Friends, Raymond and the fading Will and Grace. I can't remember the last time I watched a sitcom in prime time. I do enjoy reruns of King of Queens, Raymond and That 70's Show, but I will not go out of my way to watch them religiously in first run. I haven't touched a sitcom since they cancelled Undeclared on FOX. Those bastards!

Anyway, on with the show!

ABC been very sucessful with shows outside of sitcoms, so they look to continue that trend and focus on some more quality dramas. However, they do have some sitcoms on the new schedule that look downright frigthening...

Shows that are returning: According to Jim (Wow...this is still on the air?), America's Funniest Home Videos (wtf? hasn't the internet destroyed this show's concept?) Boston Legal (yeah!), Desperate Housewives, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Grey's Anatomy, Lost, Monday Night Football

What's on the horizon?

Drama Shows:
Commander in Chief, a drama starring Geena Davis as the first female U.S. President - I'm throwing up on myself thinking about this show.

Invasion, a Shaun Cassidy-produced drama about alien happenings in a small Florida town post-hurricane - Might go well following Lost.

Lost and Alias creator J.J. Abrams' The Catch, a bounty hunter drama that costars comedy legend Don Rickles - JJ is gold right now, so this will probably find an audience.

Pros and Cons, a drama about ex cons who work for the government. - Billy Baldwin stars. I give it 3 episodes and it's gone.

Sitcoms:
Crumbs, starring Fred Savage in a comedy about two brothers, one gay and one straight, who run the family business - I have a soft spot for Fred so I would hope this one is okay.

Freddie, a star vehicle comedy for Freddie Prinze Jr. - Kill me now.

Emily's Reasons Why Not, a comedy starring Heather Graham as a self-help author who can't take her own advice - If she's not wearing rollerskates and nothing else, I'm not interested.

Hot Properties, a comedy about four friends who run a New York City real estate office - Apprentice with laughs?


CBS is losing Everybody Loves Raymond which hurst, but they feel comfortable knowing they have the second most watched sitcom as well on their schedule and it is returning. Two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer will take over Ray's spot on the schedule. Wait a second, this show is the second most watched sitcom on TV. Remember what I was saying about sitcoms on TV....well, the defense rests your honor.

Returning shows confirmed: The Amazing Race, Survivor, CSI, CSI: Miami, Without a Trace

Dramas on tap:
Quantico, starring Mandy Patinkin in a drama about the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit - I guess this means that Dead Like Me is done? Mandy is a solid actor, so maybe this one has a chance. My only fear is that CBS is LOADED with cop shows.

American Crime, a Jerry Bruckheimer-produced drama about a prosecutor who juggles work and a new baby - BORING.

Conviction, a legal drama with Sally Field and ER vet Eriq La Salle - Hmmm.

Love Monkey, a male buddy drama starring Ed's Tom Cavanagh and Jason Priestley - Brandon Walsh is back!


Sitcoms on the horizon:
Everything I Know About Men, a comedy starring Jenna Elfman - She makes me cringe.

Flesh & Blood, starring Stockard Channing and Henry Winkler in a comedy about a family of doctors - Rizzo and the Fonz as doctors. Stop.

Old Christine, a comedy with Seinfeld's Julia Louis-Dreyfus as a single mom - I feel sad for those Seinfeld folks. Then I think about how much money they all have and get angry that they don't just retire.

How I Met Your Mother, a flashback comedy starring Neil Patrick Harris- Doogie Howser on the loose....I'm listening.

Fox only needs American Idol and the OC to clean up, but is bring back a ton of shows that have been on TV forever.

Returning shows inlcude American Idol, Cops, Family Guy, House, Malcolm in the Middle, Nanny 911, The O.C., The Simpsons, That '70s Show (minus Eric Forman is a mistake.) No word on 24?

Dramas on tap:
Prison Break, directed by Brett Ratner (Rush Hour), a drama about a man who gets himself thrown in jail so he can help his death row inmate brother escape- Interesting for a movie, but a full season of this?

Deviant Behavior, a Law & Order: Special Victims Unit knock-off-About 5 years too late FOX.

Hitched, starring Zach from Saved By the Bell is a drama about a brother and sister who run a 24-hour wedding chapel in Las Vegas - Prime for a Screech cameo at the Palms.

Windfall, starring Luke Perry in a drama about a group of friends who win the lottery - Holy shit....Dylan McKay is back too? Where am I? 1995?

Sitcoms:
Dirtbags, a comedy starring Melissa Joan Hart - Isn't she like 40 now?

Don't Ask, a comedy about a dad (Spin City's Alan Ruck) who tells his family he's gay - CAMERON from Ferris Bueller as a gay dad? I'm so there....

New Car Smell, starring Brooke Shields in a comedy about a used car dealership - Didn't anyone watch Suddenly Susan?

Queen B, a comedy starring Alicia Silverstone - another show for her? Not fair.

NBC is keeping Joey around. Ah the misery. Good luck with that.

Other returning shows: The Apprentice, Crossing Jordan, ER, Las Vegas, Law & Order, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Medium, Scrubs, The West Wing, Will & Grace

Dramas on the front:
Jerry Bruckheimer's military drama, E-Ring, starring Benjamin Bratt and Dennis Hopper - There's a bomb on a plane Jack. What do you do?

The religious drama Book of Daniel, starring Aidan Quinn - Thanks Mel Gibson you asshole.

Sitcoms:
My Name Is Earl, a comedy starring Jason Lee as a petty crook who decides to make amends when he wins the lottery - another lottery show? Jason Lee is funny though....

Thick and Thin, a comedy starring Jessica Capshaw (The Practice) as an overweight woman who becomes thin and has to deal with the new way people react to her - She was getting chunky on the Practice....so I think this will be believable.

Deal, a comedy starring Janeane Garofalo and based on the life of pro poker player Annie Duke - I love Janeane! I love Annie Duke! This sounds too good to be any good.

Notorious, starring Tori Spelling in an autobiographical comedy - Ok...where are Ian Zeiring and BAG's shows?


UPN is just yucky unless you like hot models acting a fool once a week.

Returning shows confirmed: America's Next Top Model, Veronica Mars

Dramas:
Crazy, a drama starring Lara Flynn Boyle as a therapist - She would make a better patient.

Sitcoms:
Everybody Hates Chris, an autobiographical coming-of-age comedy created by Chris Rock - On no. Not Chris Rock. Why Chris?

Wingwoman, a comedy starring Shannen Doherty as a professional matchmaker - Wasn't this the plot for Alicia Silverstone's last show? And will Joe E. Tata play her boss? Please.

WB is bring back 7th Heaven. OMG. No pun intended.

Who am I kidding? People care less about the WB's fall season than UPN's for fuck's sake. I'm done with this topic.