Hermit the Hog

It's not easy being closed off from most of the world all the time. I am starting to realize that I'm shutting myself out intentionally from a lot of human contact. I don't really make much of an effort to go out socially, and I'm always prone to having people come to my place to hang out. Is it agoraphobia? I doubt it since I do manage to make it to work. Maybe it's form of depression? I don't know. I guess I'm just bored with all the shit that is out there. I spend a lot of time in my own head, amusing myself. Or keeping busy watching television or movies. It's kind of sad actually because I used to have a killer personality. I was a pretty fun guy back in the day. The life of the party so to speak. I guess I'm maturing or getting older and realizing just how hard it is to survive when you don't perscirbe to the societal norms like marriage and procreation. I'm not the marrrying type was a handle I loved having, but now I'm starting to think that maybe I used to say such a thing because deep down I just didn't think anyone would ever want to marry me. Sort of a defensive mechanism created by years of low self esteem. Plus I've seen a lot of the bad side of marriage. I can't even fall in love, so marriage is a distant thought most of the time. And the kid thing, well...I like them in small doses, when I can hand them back over to their parents. I guess I could get used to the idea of making a baby if the whole financial aspect of it weren't at the forefront of my mind. I can barely afford my life as it stands now with no kids, no gal, how the hell coudl I afford it all? Maybe that's why most people usually sacrifice entertainment and having money to do the kid thing. Anyone I know with a kid is in debt of some kind. Not sure I want to go back to that place. What is the point to this rambling? Hell if I know. A cry for help? Hardly. Just some thoughts. I wish I had the energy to put myself out there more. Maybe to just secure a confidant, a dear friend. Intimacy is a concept that is becoming harder and harder for me to remember. I've been shit on a couple times, like everyone else, but for some reason I've recoiled and closed up shop. When I do try to make something happen, I fuck it up. It's a weak track record. If I was a basketball team, I'd be like 4-53 on the season. Playoffs, doubtful. I'm not talking about playoffs...how about a fucking win? A couple good games strung together. That's all I ask. I need to be less picky. I need to be more social. I need to stop thinking that life is a movie, that THE ONE will approach me because my fucking killer sense of humor and compassion and passion and concern will MAKE her want me. I need to crawl into bed and fall asleep...I seem to always get the girl in Slumber Town.